So just got home and omg I hadda get up and go cuz what was on TV there was this chick talking about doing something that I like to do and honestly if I'd have stayed 5 minutes longer I wouldn't have been able to stop what I've been dreaming of doing for so long and that's naughty... naughty .. naughty me. And worse is standing there after those thoughts saying goodnight yet it's the furthest thing from your mind.. and talking of dreams they fit into mine all the time.. and even fade into when i am awake.. or just pleasant daydreams. I like thinking about them/things/times from the past when I'm trying to fall asleep.. makes me feel good... and puts me in a good dreamy state to fall alseep. crazy huh??? And then what's wrong with this but J talks about dreaming of another j and I think I get a bit jealous.. what's up with that??? and sometimes talks about K or others and usually didn't bug me but kinda does... ok that's got me confused.. but nothing major.. maybe I just wonder and should just ask.. "SO you ever dream of me???" lol just cuz I'm so darn curious.
Just now I want to slap myself Wake up silly girl. you know to be a friend is to be just that for them whatever they need and yeah I can pop those thoughts outta my head like that... but that doesn't mean I want to. Big difference. Say we talk about a road trip to the store next town west.. oh yeah only I'm fantasizing about a time where we could make a lil detour off a farm road .. or have an awesome time under the full set of stars with that warm breeze in the field leaving our panties in the wind or just being in the truck... hehehe omg.. or how about that one thought/time omg nope no .. see.
*So if at this very moment They stood before me, I'd have to do all I desire at this exact time.. I wouldn't deny it or hide it right now. Starting with just a touch... and a deep look into them to make sure it's ok of course but I'll assume it's a go.. and then I'd smile and just yell out I want you soooo bad.. no, I need you I have to have you. .. yeah.. and take them by the hand to somewhere comfy beautiful and perfect and shhhh whisper to them.. hush.. no more words... just smells and tastes and lots of touching... playfull kisses. gentle movements and so so soft .. my body aching to be with them totally.. unlike any times b4. To freely give all with no reserves or after thoughts, And to freely express such intense feelings.. ohhh omg. Full total hot passion that burns inside me exploding 2 be one with them.
But ya know.. they'll never be here at that very moment.. looking out into the night sky with my puppy hearing a car drive by daydreaming again the what if's of that being them... and thinking all that... it's always such a nice dream.. but one I want again proably too much huh? One i sometimes wish I just could be myself with and go with.
Ohh it's not always like that I can snap outta that and tell myself to be good and I will be and shake it all off... LOL I should talk to them about it huh not that I am afraid it will hurt our relationship I don't think so.. I wouldn't let it. I truely would hate to lose the friend I feel I have in them. And if I ever had the chance to do more for them I would if asked or if able... I'd go outta myway to make their day if they needed it:) Remembering a few weeks ago when i was so down.. they tried to cheer me up and listened how nice that was.. and how I wanted to just stop at the door.. and hug them.. hold them and tell them how special I really feel they are to me..
So I feel at times I must leave the situations ... turn down the offers of the trip outta town.. go home.. when I really DO NOT want to and want to stay and be with them.. .. and cuz it takes all to hold me back again and for the most fear with me is just a touch... cuz that would rip through me like lightening. I out streched my foot 2nite playing and it pointed up toward them my eyes followed up with the realization even then, it was time to go... for my thoughts are so deep.. and that ache.. yearn. Shake it off once again.. concentrate on the game... I try to tell myself.. mesmorized even deeper I watch them... closing my eyes a moments imagine .. standing behind them rubbin their shoulders to relax.. .. bending down whispers... your awesome.. then slip-slap wake me up again...
Must be my mood I guess... And omg not every moment is like that.. but sure seems like it latley.. It also seems like I've probably been thru this b4 .. almost makes me come to some other realization. Sure I'll delete this post tomorrow huh but feels good to write again or dream. It's been awhile since I've spoke my mind. Especially bout somethings .. personal stuff and feelings. And why I don't know I'm not ashamed of myself or my feelings.. they just are.. !
LOL I'm crazy I'm so sorry. I do know if it comes to all of us going out I want to make a toast!!! To friends !! May lifes laughter engulf us and make us all giddy!!! I just made that up since I'm in such a darn good mood.. another thing a few weeks ago I was so sad and down.. I'm so glad to be outta that! I wish I could call J right now. I wish I could flip back time a couple hours.