Bad At Bloggin
I just can't blog for anything these days.. not that I don't want to or have a ton to write about just bombed with things to do when I sit down at my desk and by the time I'm done with those It's time to get off n do other things. Maybe it's that I quit smoking now I don't find sitting at the desk relaxing where I used to sit smoke n write creativly and now I am antsy and figetty and still kinda scattered in my thoughts almost like I can't concentrate or remember things correctly. Books say normal side-effect and a main thing of the withdrawl process but kinda sucks. Oh well I'm just thrilled it's been over 10 days now and I havn't had a puff! YEAH Kinda sad for a co-worker who tried to quit too same day as me made it til yesterday but then said to hell with it and started up again. Oh well I told her great of her to just try and takes a lot.. and to not give up or beat yourself up.. someday! Gotta really want it I know n takes a lot of mental strength too I believe at least for me it did/does.
Anyways. What's new here. So last night I get invited up to my bosses place. Felt a bit funny as I felt she wasn't into me being there as much as I'd have liked as I felt would make me more comfy cuz kinda makes me nervous yet although he reassures me it's all Great. So then I think Oh yeah.. silly me just be myself yet it's still a little nervous to me.. but at the same time was thrilling all at the same time which intensifies it even more. And thinking back like 2nite OMG.. whoaa baby. yee hawww.. yippiee yeah! LOL... So T this friend of mine calls me like 3 times last night to come over n all missing me on the phone and wants to run out n get me all these things so I'd come by. I'm like you don't need to buy my friendship your cool n just love to be friends n would really rather you didn't... cuz I'd be your friend regardless or whatever.. and he's like pouty the 3rd time like well fine then you just don't want to come over n I'm like well not when you act like that. I didn't say that but him implying i didn't care .. was totally wrong cuz I do.. think he has some to drink also probably. But all funky on the phone with me. OK last time he called I got outta it all cuz I got to pass the phone around.
Then 2nite he calls 2 times again. 1st to say he was sorry as he always tends to appologize.. and I'm always like it's OK really.. no biggy on anything then has to warn me his cousin is full of stories yesterday n how pissed he is at him.. OK sooo... then he's like all he can think about it me. OK Whatever.. Don't go there.. although you gotta know this guy is always saying that to everyone just his way i think.. n used to make me uncomfortable then it didn't but still sometimes kinda does. So after 2 min I gotta go.. Then B4 I close up 2nite he calls again. Hey I'm going crazy here I need to see you I feel like your mad at me??? HUH now where the hell did that come from??? I reassure him NO... thinking I will be if you don't quit.. LOL nooo but said No not at all.. and he's like he I can't stop thinking about you.. please tell me a bedtime story so I can go to sleep. Huh??? I always try to laugh it off. Then he's like all I can think about is you and I don't know what's wrong or going on. OK it's just T and that's normal but to call me 10 times in 2 days n we talked a couple times earlier this week n nothing major until 2nite seems funny then he's like Can I meet you b4 work to talk quick.. don't understand the urgency but said yeah he'll see me at 415ish waiting in line to get in to where i work till i'm there.. lol whatever OK T. Yeah it's just silly.
Then I try to analize our relationship. I analize everything too much. I analized to death my feelings thoughts with my other friend and just when I have it figured out I don't.. but pretty sure now 99% sure of all that. So that's a dead subject at least for the night. So what about T? Hummm Maybe it's him and I have shared things n I find confiding in him so nice. He's almost a teddy bear type.. where you need a real friend/shoulder to cry on you could call him up or pop by his house and he'd be all out for you.. I'd do same for him of course.. any of my friends.. but he's so sincere n i believe intentions are truely friends n nice to really feel and know that... so unlike with others. Makes me feel good when I'm down.. like my pep talker.. find myself calling him whenever I'm upset n even 2nite driving home I felt bad about earlier converstation n like I should've called him back.. Then it hits me.. his comments on how he can't clear him mind of my thoughts.. and can't sleep cuz needed to hear my voice n how he just wanted me to tuck him in. Hummm ...
Can't say I think any of that.. but do know whenever I'm down or stuck on something bad in my life or with my thoughts I can talk to him.. cuddle up n that teddy bear huggy n feel a million times better. It's nice having friends like that isn't it. And ya know he'd never really hurt you or put you in a sticky situation specially with me being married you could really trust him I think even being opposite sex. Always respectful of that. :) Wow just thinking don't think i've analized him this way b4. And I just love the friendship attention he adds to our relationship. Like when were all out.. he's always coming over and saying How are you.. or do you need anything or like when he calls he's always like How are you.. and seems so sincere and seems to almost always know when somethings bothering me .. maybe it's just nice feeling like someone out there notices n even if they don't care that much they act like it and that makes ya feel better just thinking that. LOL.
Whatever just left me feeling werid 2nite when I hung up I've just been having this guilty feeling all week over him. Maybe it was after I jumped in his truck last weekend n he was all nicey n don't leave.. and when I got out he just laid there saying tummy hurt and didn't want to go with us really till we talked him into it for like 10 minutes.. got the feeling then he didn't want to .. then in the room alone later when was just him and i together i stopped it and made up some excuse and his comment was I just wanted to be with you.. OK so guys specially drunk say things they might normally not say and for his case he's always saying things like that to everyone but then ya gotta wonder how about the times he really means it... how would you be able to tell the difference.??? Whatever LOL just know tomorrow when we talk I'm going to ask and he's going to say exactly what I know he'll say and I will never know LOL.. and really do I care.. no but kinda.. cuz I like him as a friend and don't want him feeling more cuz would ruin that .. but I'd hate to lose that closeness we have too.. or the way i feel i can talk to him.. and so understanding and seems so concerned. Too bad he can't find a nice gal.. but think he gets too nervous. There is like 2 sides to him too.. is there 2 sides to everyone? I know there is for me.
Ok so my plan of thought is to probably go along with him when he wants to get together tomorrow nite and talk n hang out.. i'd like to do that enjoy that with him he's fun n doesn''t ignore me or leave me hanging alone if I am. And as far as this talk he wants to have with me and the things he's been saying alone to me I'll just let him talk. And just go wtih the flow... I have no plan nor do I really know what the hell is going on anyways.. do I care.. yeah as a friend of course.
Why am I going on about this.. at least I'm talking again about something.. T is cool.. and a good friend.. n I think i find myself longing for his friendship cuz of the way he makes me feel inside. So then that just blows all that other shit outta the water.. about how we don't have a mental thing going 2gether at all cuz we really do more then ever.. sopose that scares me.. yeap that's it.. and why it'll be good to talk. I wonder if I'll ever figure me out?
So it was my baby's 2nd bday today. So cute.. so huggy n lovey today..and I cuddled up on him with all the time we had together singing n playing all morning.. and making him his fav food. He doesn't realize it as any other day but I still will and after i got off work went in and threw 100 more kisses at him. Hubs was in bed i had called him on the cell on my way home and we got into a tissy about something stupid and I said I wasn't coming home then.. and he's like well where will you go.. and I'm like I'll just Ummmm I'll just cruise around LMAO.. i was a baby yeah.. so anyways he's like come home silly woman.. we'll talk then hate to talk over the phone. So I pout a bit OK i guess I'll come home. So i get there n kinda ignore him pouty like yet.. Why i act this way I don't know cuz I was upset cuz he was whinning so tired as always.. but I always tell myself I won't beg or whine about no sex so I just put my PJ's on and went out to the couch n flipped channels. He actually got outta bed n came and kneeled beside me and was kissin my legs n rubbin me and asking about my day and night and was soo sweet. Ohhhhh and tells me all the good stuff and takes me to bed.. blah blah... ya know but anyways was sweet. What a honey. Although he may not be a very observant hubby or understanding he sure can be romantic just when I need it.. even if it isn't just sex.. when he's given the chance he can really shine with me... and we match up so well.. n smiled so cute. :) Gotta just kick myself somedays. Just wish he was like that every time we are together... so nice when it's just me and him and nothing else to worry about.. we talk n giggle n get along so great.. then other times it's like we knit pick at everything or I pick it to push him away. Dumb. Hummm OK enough of my endless disscussions on men for the night LOL just sooo fun to sort out n re-read n realize what i wrote 10 minutes ago I feel totally different about now.. but will post anyways cuz wth.. it's just my thoughts as I think them.. and regardless if they are the truth of my feelings they obviously were at that moment in time. Change is good isn't it? K gotta go