Writing about my life and things in it and what I think

Saturday, January 17, 2004


Wow today's been busy, after lunch we raking the yard, don't think i've ever raked a yard in the middle of january b4... filled my bird feeders and hauled in boxes of junk from the shed and garage into the house to sort thru.. Now I'm sitting here with all this shit all over the living room/kitchen table trying to put it somewhere going to have to clean out a closet to find room.. where does all thsi stuff come from???

Some of it's stinky out in a box in the shed I'm just throwing stuff... why I keep it all I don't know or why I ever did. Funny how much stuff a person aquires. J having D spend the night 2nite and wants to take him to sunday school with him were shooting for early service 1st service this sunday.. that means be to church by 830am.... but will be good. Starting monday I start me new schedule. Going to treat my days at home like a job gotta try something to get a routine going for the kids and me, I need to work on getting up b4 the kids, have time to myself in the morning stead of at night. K gotta get to work


I've about downed a bottle now and why I don't know drinking alone, actually i'm not alone my son is maybe 2 feet behind me pulled up to the TV playing PS2 and it's 220 am.. were nuts being up so late sure. But no way I can go out anywhere how totally obvious that would be so get up and leave with someone at 2am.. sure my mom's a whore leaving at 2am to go with a guy to another guys house LOL... day-dreamer I gotta be. or nite dreamer in my case.

Dreams have been dead latley too.. i mean really dead no excitment in my life or thoughts, totally non-sexy unsexyness thing going on.. ok so i'm tipsy, but i havn't been feelings sexy at all and totally killingmy sexattite... appittite. i need to get back tothe gym to work out to feel better bout myself. That and I miss my friend, person i wasn't afriad to talk to about anything and now i've been so uncomfy... sopose that has a lot to do with my own feelings toward shit doesn't it, yeah I sopose i dream too much or more and more meaning.. maybe the girly part of me wants more meaning. I don't know all i know is a I'm 1/2 drunk i think. Going to wakey up hubs and ride cowboy ride that songs been in my head all night.

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

Wrestling Season

My Son's 5th year of youth wrestling has begun, next year he could wrestle junior varsity, he's pumped and excited and practice three nights a week usually this week only Tue/Thurs cuz of the BB game last night which was a great game won over 30 points and this years team looks good kinda fun. Makes for another busy week though, Monday BB game, hubs took J to practice 2nite from 6till 815. Leaves me here with the little ones 2nite, and its' been a forever long ass day at that with them.

I keep thinking it's winter blues but it was nice today and kids are driving me insane. I know I love them and time with them, but at least once or twice a day I find myself having to leave the room lock myself in the bathroom or my bedroom and I just want to scream cuz I don't know what to do. I never had any issues with C or J as far as listening but my baby is totally out of controll, and with the added attention given to him all the time has turned my 4 year old into quite a little hellion now as well. When I send her to time out, she'll lay down and move around like Jello, I'll go to pick her up by her hand and she just lays there I'm not moving and she's heavy at 45 pounds of dead/weight, I practically was so pissed one time today I drug her thru the entire house kicking and screaming how she hates me and wants her Daddy. OMG... I just said I'm sorry you feel that way C but you need to learn to listen and will have to sit here until we can talk civil. I didn't know what to say/do??? But it's only 630 now and I'm so wishing it was 930 everyone was in bed cuz I'm so ready for bed.

Sure everyone says it's a stage, a phase only little for a few years..yeah I know .... but still these past few days/weeks and months have so grown on my patience. I've got hubs on a run after practice to buy a baby gate. I know they're not babies anymore but I think if I set boundarys and limits on area's they can run instead of all over like I turn around one minute he's in the bathroom pumping lotion all over the tub and the other's in J's room dumping out a big box of Legos', then turn again and Z's got the full gallon of milk out and carrying it thru the house with his cup for a drink and he's about to drop it all when C will run out Mom I have to go number and the phone's ringing. The phone another thing I want to throw out the window and wish I had a machine to say is it between 1 and 4.. do not call duh.. kids are napping. It's like no one calls until then, and people that even know still call, my mom called twice and my grandma and a GF in town twice and this other guy twice and 2 other calls, one unavaliable and one out of area.. ok so WTF? NOTE: Phone hasn't rang since 330 either when I got up and ripped it outta the wall. So kids didn't get a nap nor did I today. So Crab-ass i've been ever since.

And I've been crabby, not the normal upset I'm pissy, I'm PISSY where I could beat something I think pissy. OK so I'm not that bad, but in the 5 minutes I've typed this, I have put slippers on 2 kids feets, poured two glasses of milk, got the kitty out of a box he was stuck in from the kids and broke up 2 fights over toys in Z's room and one in C's ... all in the 7 mintues I've been online.

I best go. And as far as my exercise.... and diet.. right like I have had a second to do anything like that and that's depressing and I've gained 80% of the weight I've lost back how sick and I havn't changed my eating just no exercise ... but when am I sopose to have time????

Winter wound up

I have to get outta the house today and do something. I took kids to the lil mall here yesterday, and played outside with them two different times as it was nice out as well, yet last night I didn't have any energy to do much of anything. And so far this morning I'm in the same slump. I've been up since 730 and we've only just ate breakfast kids are still in the PJ's as am I of course. But what to do if we even were dressed and ready to go. Winter makes it a little more ruff on the kids I think, they can't play outside, I can't take them over to the park or swimming. Guess we could take a lil trip to the library. Have to do something different kids are sick of being here too I think.

Hubs was kinda cute last night. I'm trying to think more positive or allow myself to smile more in hopes that will help our relationship. He lays this tirp on me that he's afraid sometimes to approch me, am I moody??? or was that just an excuse? and as far as sex, omg to approch me on that he knows I'd love that.

He did write me a whole page long letter on sunday when I got off work, and it was sweet and he actually put some thought in some area's and had some good idea's, yet he's not acted on anything he wrote, then again he probably won't. It's just him I have to accept that and why I'm having such a hard time recently with it I don't know??? FFX-2 is awesome just hadda add I played that a bit last night Makes me really not want to go to bed and play til 4am.

Monday, January 12, 2004


Yeah it's monday, gotta go to the gym again 2nite I just have to get back into some workout routine or something cuz I have been gaining 2 lbs a week back now it seems. Kids are cute this morning cuddling and being so cute to mommy... must miss me all weekend. They were up by 730 this morning omg.. thought I was going to die too early. It's only 1015 and it feels like it should be noon at least.

Sunday, January 11, 2004

Sexy Spiders

OMG click above for some cool spiderman blog templates, I love spiderman... hummmm maybe I should change my layout and looks.. whatcha think? I'm wiped and dumbass for being up specially since ihave to be up at 730 and drive 5 hours to pick up my son in the morning and get back n work yet but I just got off work here at 1230 so I'm just unwinding.. right:)

What a week/end. Then topping it Tom came this morning and that pissed me off cuz he's like not sopose to be here for at least 7 more days so boo hoo and maybe that's why I'm so tired and was soo mean and crabby the other day ouch... who knows. I just don't have the time to do a darn thing I'd like to do these days it seems and I can't figure out what's different or why or what to do about it all to make it better.

Hubs and me have had it out 100 times the past week and 1/2. I feel like a cruel heartless bitch sometimes and I find it SOOOO hard to get outta that mode sometimes and it's like I don't want to maybe even yet I hate fighting, I'd much rather pretend it's all hunky-dori and kiss and go on, but latley it's not cutting my cake. At least I've had my say now for awhile and I guess if nothing ever changes I know I tried and the one time he might try 1st in the next day or two while it's all fresh in him mind is what I'm going ot have to live with for the rest of my life so I should really try to get used to it or something i guess shoudn't I :) focus on the positive things.. right.. yeah. OK I gotta go, few things to do yet and I really need some ZZZ's, was up til 4 last night with the hubs yacking bout all this shit.