Writing about my life and things in it and what I think

Saturday, October 25, 2003

night 1/2 off

So I'm at work and alls fine and I mentioned my son playing in the band 2nite and H my boss says Ohhh you want to go?? And I'm thinking and say Oh noo it's OK.. hubby and C going and grandpa and J's dad and step mom and his uncle richie and step bro and my ex and his wife and my ex's dad and cousin.. so it's kinda a 'ex' fest at a home game guess I didn't think much about not going since I just assumed I had to work.. just way it goes.. but a little bit later she comes up to me with this plan says I can go.. T will bartend for me and this other waitress that doesn't feel good is going too.. and I should go after 1st quarter and walks away.. hummm so I ask T do you want to and she's like I guess I can.. but not to excited sounded and I felt horriable leaving her cuz there was 5 tables and i had people all night at the bar but H insisted she'd help as well.

Feel horriable leaving my table... Then I thought ok new tables in and I couldn't get away just yet and thought I don't really want to lose any hours and had all arranged with the ex and hubby but H came again asks are you leaving then.. it almost felt as if she wanted me to. I ask T again are you ok she says sure and refreshed her on martini's and I say to her I didn't want to go but H so insistant I feel I have to... and T's like well don't go then.. and I'm all confused and say yeah ok I won't.. ok I guess it's pretty clear she wanted me to just go so I just left. something totally didn't feel right there 2night after that.. maybe it was just me.. maybe it's her way of telling me to go knowing how guilty I feel leaving or taking time off... that is a nicer thought to think than what I have been feeling. I just think I would rather not impose on others at work although I am sure I did not... and sure it was all just fine. It was I was busy and content and it threw me off cuz it was unplanned.

So I'm driving to town 1/2 upset cuz it's been one of those upsetting days anyways... nice day for a kleenex box best friend. Just had a ton dumped on me rite b4 work that hit me hard.. .. and made me extra sensitive I'm sure after soooo . I get to the game a minutes b4 1/2 time.. watch the last play can't find hubs but stand and weesel my way up so I am able to watch the bands... I see J and he's so smiley and it was cute to see him playing the same sax I played and how much fun it looked like he was having reopened my tear ducts once again and I had to walk... I bump into a dozen or so ladies and friends and all are Hi and how r u and wow your off work and I'm yawning on purpose to hope to pull off the wet eye look from the yawn and not silly me... and so glad it worked cuz if any of them would've asked more I'd have broke until I turned around and Bomb... there was hubs and C.. my daughter was so cute and so excited to be at the game.. but everyone's why are you here... so why worry or ask why .. but why not just be happy I was... and then I was. We shared some popcorn and a hotdog and she was so cute and excited. Cheering with the cheer leaders it was cute.

Then went to my grandparents after the game for cookies and milk snacks.. for kids and played hide n seek and grandpa and hubs watching a western on TV and me and grams chatting was fun. Can't remember last time I'd been over there all of us a family just visiting... til 1015.. home put kids to bed and we broke out the ole 'PayDay' game. 6 months I came in 2nd with 70,200 and J in 1st with 77K. Poor hubs only had 56K... J won again he won the last time we played as well. Fun! Then I put in the movie anger management and b4 I got it all set up and ready I turned round and hubs snorning LOL.. no movie that's ok I guess. They planned on going hunting anyways in early am.

So I enjoyed my time off... almost too much. I guess it's a wake up call to me in a way that I'm not needed there as much as one likes to believe they are.. it's just not. and I should not take it so serious huh.. just do a good job, be yourself and smile :)

Friday, October 24, 2003

SunSpots, flares and Auroras

I'll have to look up 2nite to see if I can see any neat unusual northern lights since it seems that 2 giant sunspots errupted on wednesday which I seen here and reading lot of things about this sun activity and also this site about Aurora's with some pretty pic's. Ohhh and this picture of Mars is so pretty.. like waves of dirt huh?.

Mr. Happy

So kids are napping early cuz they were up so early and hubby got off early 2day as does on fridays but he left right after lunch to go out hunting. It is nice out and with the little shower this morning he's thinking it will be good for the puppy too. But darnit he looked so good in his orange vest and hat and he's so huggy today and this morning was a big cuddle bunny. Usually when it comes time to fall asleep I'd rather it be we don't.. but being 1/2 schnokered when I crawled into bed at 3am and he was all cuddles and kisses I didn't mind this time. So when he got home this morning he's all huggin and saying how cuddly I was... and I'm like OHhhh don't hunt I want you in my whinney playful voice.

Bummer... he says he'll stay but then I feel bad cuz I know it's so nice out and how he loves to hunt and I don't want him to do that just to stay to satisfy my lil desires... He's just in such a good mood wish I could go out hunting with him and pups... and I know he'll be in bed by 10 2nite as they're getting up at the butt crack of dawn to goose hunt in the morning... and have a football game to go 2 2nite as well. Not that I can't crawl in and awake him. I can do that. it's just he was so cute b4 he left and made me smile a lot and was silly... i miss that about him and I am very sure he misses that about me.. since I know it's been hard for me to be silly me with him more recently for silly reasons at that...

ohhh and jeez my drunky post from last night.. whz up with that??? I don't think I should drink... just gets me to thinking nutty and could lead me to do/say things and not that thats' all bad but.. ya know. I do know and they know so I guess I figure what the hell.. just my thoughts but wish nothing bad ever from that. Wonder how that is for them.. to know how strong I feel yet to not let it interfer at all or acknowledge it or be like me with them and ignore it.. it's sometimes werid for me and why I can't write at times.

So i sopose I should take a lil nappy and go off to dream land.. b4 work! I'm in a great mood and it's so sunny nice out.. but I've been up since 730 so I'm tired.. :)

I often wonder if I should post stuff or not once I have been drinking or now.. Why?? Cuz I'm so tipsy that I KNOW that I am thinking things I shouldn't dicscuss or maybe not be, then again I am so wanting to spill my guts on what I have been thinking or more so the deep feelings I've been feeling, say the past 24 hours... or feelings say right now.. ... If only I could be completely honest with them the way I really want to but ya know I clam or get such a negative vibe. from them.. but wonder why since it seems I know I'd do almost anything for them... but I wish I could feel that way as well.. silly huh. I don't know what to think or how to feel sometimes.. ok yeah.. i know how I do but not sure what I should feel does that make any sense??? .

What I miss is a real friend I can call .. say RIGHT NOW.. 230 am... Hey I'm feeling this or that and HELP... yeah most my friends are way in bed.. yes.. and only couple friends up and say J my bestest friend right now I can't call but would so love to but again don't dare cuz of the time.. I hate that I don't feel comfy calling on them.. yet I KNOW if they called me I wouldn't think a bit on it. So ok i'll call one after I write here I'm sure and yeah they will be all terrific.. I'm sure and not care a bit.. just it's Not the real person I wish to talk to and the real person I think of I shouldn't call cuz it's all bout them anyways isn't it.. yeap.

LOL i think at times I just laugh everything off... maybe it's just the women side of me thinking too much.. or just the me making exuses for others and pretending they really care. OK i'll get off the entire subject and quit .. cuz it's stupid anyways isn't it.

SOOOOO about yesterday OMG so my hands on them and wow.. it's big hard and omg.. wow... and yeah that comment of the hotel room was one out of a fantasy I've had with them... of course not coming true but not that it hasn't lead up to another fantasy of mine of me paying them back with dinner and a room sometime... OK so I love this guy as one of my good friends and soooo totally enjoy every second we have. I love staring at them making a drink or while he's working or talking to someone else I look at him and seceretly think things shhhh.. just I smile thinking they are like 'it' and omg ... jiwyitwwb hehhee omg i'm drunk arn't i???.

I'll feel the same tomorrow I'm sure.. just won't be as strong or OMG i hope not as strong cuz I hate that i got sick ... not cuz I felt so sick or partied poopered out but more cuz i missed that time with them. I longed for the time to be just him and I and it was fun.. thanks for that cuz ya know omg I love each and every second we have had.. It's not about me when I am thinking of us.. it's always of him... at least I think so. I wish they'd know that. Sometimes it's stupid how someone can say something and I'll take it so personal. I must have a hard time reading people sometimes or something happened that i can't read some people at all... or maybe it's just that mystery that I adore. who knows LOL.

Anyways I'm silly thinking yeah.. wishing I could spit it out but what???.. then ya know amy.. there must be a reason they don't respond the same.. and yeah it saddens me, cuz like most times It takes all within me to not say anything but at the same time sucks everything outta me to not be honest and direct. Then yeah I think yeap it's me thinking too much and that just puts ya in the mood to cry cuz yeap exactly what i fear. Ohh and that of course that I've had a drink or two.. cuz that's is absolutley the worst time to talk to me.. after I've had a few drinks cuz then i can't hold anything back.. and if approached positivley I coudln't deny nor hold back I'm afriad.... like now if stood b4 me. It's so fun to figure my head out as crazy as I'm not making sense am I?

Naaaaaa oh well just chalking it up as I'm way horney and SOOO overdue for some... and more specially since the trip to Fargo. Cuz it's been like a whole week 2nite for me and that's been killing me.. so the added time together just spiced up my dreams 10 hundred notches and OMG i mean major dreamage... and bedtime snoozer offers.. that are just awesome yet I awake thinking OMG omg OMG i want that now them now it'll pass.. i always say that... but ya know these thoughts are so nice ya kinda gotta love them right? hehehe sure :) :) :) Just nod me off as silly

Sunday, October 19, 2003


I have a few things to talk about but can't get into it just yet.. probably wait till the weekend and works over huh. MmMmm I only had a little garden salad for lunch and I was starving 2nite so I got to eat some fried lil chicken wings OMG nummy.. I had 18 points to use up for supper..crazy I still have 2 left for the day so I'll just have a banana or something. I'm tired again. Everyone in bed here getting up early to hunt and do paper=route and church too.. I started reading a Dean Koontz book.. False memory the other night.. so far pretty good has got me creepy feeling already just starting it I absolutley LUV his books... not stupid scarey but mind scarey... i like it a lot. I read so much online now It's been forever since I've curled up with a real book.

OMG my foots asleep. My son needs a new winter coat.. damit was just shopping with kids on monday and I don't really feel like another trip outta town shopping but sopose i'll have to go again someday this week:( bummer... oh well. I better get going too. Have a few other things to do yet here b4 I can crawl into bed.