Twilight

Writing about my life and things in it and what I think

Saturday, September 27, 2003

duh

I did just what i said i was going to last night and made myself pretty happy hubs came in and acted just normal... kinda bugs me he avoids any issues we might have but then again so do I at times.. I just didn't want to be brought down anymore than I had already felt for the day so he crawled in asked for a kiss and was snoring b4 I could turn around. Did it make me mad??? No not really... just was done with him for the day. Today's been busy with football and hunting and kids and the phone ringing.

Still now kids down for naps and J out playing hubs and I alone and he's all honey I'm tired going to take a nap and I need the van 2nite so I'll give ya a ride to work. Ohhh ok that's ok maybe it'll give us a chance to be alone a little 2nite at least for the ride home... we have to get up early for church again so can't be too late. Honest I don't even know what I do want at this time. I'm just stumped at times on his non-responsive reactions to anything I throw at him.. and when I say something blunt hoping he'll get it he thinks I'm rude.. LOL can't win. If I can't say it the way it is I guess I shouldn't say a thing can't win.. Just bugs me we said harsh things yesterday and today he goes about as if nothing was ever said or wrong or that he might have hurt my feelings or whatever and blah blah i don't know.. i hate the way he avoids things.

Friday, September 26, 2003

Off

Home early for once and hubs and J out in the garage getting their hunting stuff ready and OMG it took all to hold me back from saying something totally mean back to him but I sucked it in and just said "THIS is exactly why I shouldn't have came home!!!" .. and came inside. Bummer .. that kills.. more it hurts a lot... cuz I got excited to see he was still up when I pulled up and came up to huggy and I said why are you taking the duck boat football starts at 9 will you have time to do all that and he blows up f*()King don't worry about it we'll do damn well what we want.. and I didn't say it snotty just upset because hubby makes my son feel guilty for going out for football cuz cuts into his hunting time so J doesn'st want to take foot ball next year or play anymore... and that really really really ticks me off cuz J isn't into hunting as much as hubs of course and J just does somethings I think sometimes to make Hubs happy and pisses me off... and when it effects my kids omg.. hold me back.. don't play mind games with him and I know fricken hubs can act just like a kid sometimes too.. we all do but don't do it to gain for your own benifit and take away from your kids.. come on.. SOOOO I'm really pissed right now and pissed about some other shit and been pissy and b4 work 2day we got into it and so it's just been one of those fricken days you wanna crawl in a hole n cry .. and all I really wanted more than anything was just some time together.

Only time I really get mad at hubs is when I want him.. just him.. and him to want just me once.. what's wrong with this picture??? I don't know they're still outside for awhile getting stuff ready I'm going to try to suck it all up and in and go make the bedroom up pretty and light those pretty candles we've never lite yet and cuddle up with that teddy I bought myself years ago.. and put on some light jazz and have glass of wine and watch some TV... maybe??? Or read a mag or something and once he showers and gets ready for bed maybe he'll be in a better mood and I'll just be there for him incase he feels like actually talking to me ... and if not oh well at least i'm there just in case. Just feels like no matter how bad I want him or need him.. really need him it's the opposite and totally not what I need and totally pushes me the other way and i'm scared of that... I don't like feeling the way I've felt I need him 2nite... Just best I do my thing now and let things go as they're to go.. I'm just having one of the shittiest days. Persons at work not happy either and that bums me out or makes me wish I could help. .. Wish I could be a better person, and pray I don't do to people what makes me feel crappy.. and if I ever do OMG I'm so soo sorry.. :( I care lots and I will try to do what they said.

What did we fight about b4 lunch same thing... and b4 work.. same thing.. and it seems so simple of a problem to solve. If it was the old me i'd jump in my car right now get in and just drive.. ..

I just wanna

Late

Just when you think your safe.. going on 2 hours of sleep at work it's 930 and everyone's almost gone and a table of 6 drinkers walk in... don't want to eat just drink.. you know your stuck for awhile but I'd have never guessed 2am. LOL oh well so I'm so tired just got home but of course have to relax a little bit b4 I can just crash. People were kinda crabby at work I guess I didn't notice too much but the others said so.. but feel bad if J upset wish he'd talk to me if he needs to talk or at least he should know I'm there if he needs to vent.. since he's so good about listening to me. :) :) Well the nights over and my pillow is calling me come to me.. sleepy head.. cuddle honey bunny:) I'm so in the mood to cuddle and touch K bye.

Thursday, September 25, 2003

Pooped

OMGosh I am soo tired now... but I have to get ready for work. Last night worked private party then J n I went shopping n to the casino and I lost 20bucks but bought a lil MP3 player it's so cute and fun and plays on my stereo in my car too but the main reason I wanted it was for when I am working out. So I got to bed at 6 and kids up at 830 grrr 2 1/2 hours of sleep was all i've got if that cuz in between those 2 1/2 hours I had to get up and say good morning and good day to my son b4 school.. anyways oh well maybe i'll sleep good 2nite???

So I took the little ones to the babysitters like I do on thursday and went for my walk/jog guess 5 times round is 3.25 miles so that's what I've been doing. I did it tuesday in 50 minutes this time i did it in 44 minutes. Anyways that music laying helps time go faster and so much more fun so glad no one else out there walking since I'm so silly singing to myself wonder if anyone could hear me over at the park hehee oh well. It's a great feeling to be able to get out and do something like that for myself.. feels good. So I cooled down and took my van to the car wash. OMG i can't get it clean and I've asked hubs a couple times to wash it but he never does and I washed for 12 minutes and still looks dirty but I can't use that brushy thing too good.. I'm just going to pay to get is washed and shampooed and vaccummed myself someday. Since he clomps with his muddy work boots in it somedays really ticks me off.

I wish I had a pop.. caffine something to perk me up. OK I better jump thru the shower huh?? OK yeah i'll write 2nite i'm sure.

Wednesday, September 24, 2003

Auction Site Funnies

Martie posted this funny site called Who Would Buy That about auction oddities from all over the web.. mainly ebay.. but funny auctions they find and post. Some are really funny and give ya a good smile:)

A Book crapola

Reading this article where the president Lays an Egg? disturbing?? just something weird there. Anyways.. C's Party was a hit she had lots of fun and got so many cute outfits and stuff for her baby's and a stroller and a new barbie and some toys for her doll house.. paints and colors and CD's and hair bands and a purse... from me. She came up to me and says Mom, what kind of stuff do you have in your purse so I showed her and she's all happy cuz Dad gave her a buck and she's all I can buy that cuz I have a dollar. So Cute:)

So diggin thru old pictures... Walked 2 1/2 miles 2nite power walking it was so nice out. I wish i could get some zzz's should be tired after that workout and busy all day but i'm not. I have to clean out my fridge just opened it and it's like overfull. Leftovers gallore on this diet..

I'm in an awesome mood 2nite helped J called to chat 2nite after rest of my house asleep... just nice to hear friendly voices in times of confusion..... As far as my confusion I don't know thought I'd work thru it 2nite on my walk or writing but I'm not in the mood to write or start now when I was out running I thought what if I just ran around this track back to my van and got in and just drove somewhere ... sounds fun. I obviously need to do something crazy maybe. LOL maybe I need to get knocked in the head a couple times for being so stupid. Having sex 2nite with hubs was funny too felt like it'd been months.. used to be a everyday thing and the more the better and it's only been like since last thursday yet still no feeling there what-so-ever. I dont' like sex with no feelings.

I mean i love hubs.. I have deep feelings for him and most of the time it's great yeah.. so what was different 2nite.. that I approched him again I think that's a thing for me or something. latley. OK so I really tried a couple weeks ago to not try and in i'd say 2 weeks he tried once or twice.. and then I got to the point I don't care cuz I wanted it and forgot about letting him try and it was ok again yet.. in the back of my mind it's like K I know I work different hours but you can act like you'd like to a little more when we are. It's just not him to try anything anyways... I totally have to controll the entire situation and act most the time anyways unless he's had a drink or something. And it's not all bad .. LOL why am I on this subject.. my sex life is not a real issue here anyways... is it?? i don't know but I don't feel so. I do know a year ago it was major and I'd get so upset if he'd never do anything to start it and I'd keep him up all night just cuz... at least I cared enough to get upset.. seems he doesn't care if I'd do anything sometimes.. maybe not?? I dont' knwo

I just wish he'd notice me more.. not in sexual ways but mentally connect... he wouldn't notice a thing was ever wrong.. back to that time this spring that still hurts when we were out and I thought I was going to lose it and obviously looking back very depressed and I poured out all kinds of stuff to him ... deep things.. the darkest things in my mind and asked him to help me and cried and wanted to jump and he pulls over we park and he says he'll listen and sits there and then says what do you want me to do.. I tell him .. and he's like he'll try to be better.. like it's his fault.. and I realize he didn't get one thing I said to him.. that night began this frustration thing I think...

Cuz I said to him he has to show me that week he cares by this or that.. small things like just asking Hey how are you.. and listening.. but not once did he.. so imagine your at the end of your world or feeling like that and you tell that person that's most important to you in the whole entire world what it is you need/want/feel and they totally disregarded it. And I given benifet of the doubt waited that whole week then once again asked did you not hear one word I said the other night... I can't go back there but I need to know if you planned on careing.. and he's like I just didn't want to stir it back up... I explained more important than anything to show you care by just asking something so easy.. Hell pretend.. and ever since then it's been different for me.

And I don't know if it's that moment or thing or a combination of things and people or time but something that sticks out in my mind... and maybe it's he doesn't comprehend things I say.. or maybe he doesn't understand the importance... so I wrote him a little note.. I ask him what he feels things.. dreams.. loves.. hates.. blah blah hoping he'd ask me.. nope nothing... hurts I dont' get mad cuz getting mad just ends up him getting mad and makes me feel shittier.. and that's happened several times last 6 months.. i'd rather live never like those nights again. I'm not a very good non-happy person.. I'd rather sacrafice everything to make everyone happy.. and be happy than be un.

So I'm probably way off on my topics 2nite huh after a perfect night I go on about something old. I guess I'm just trying to figure out what's going on in my head. And as far as J thinking I don't want to talk cuz of the demand thing I may feel I put on him.. that's not all. I find myself waiting up to see if he'll come online.. leaving my puter on always just to see if there's a message.. praying he'll come out to close, any chance I can get to spend with him I'll take.. if even just a Hi and Bye.. cuz it's so friendly feeling and makes me smile and happy and gives me a great feeling inside and has a way of stirring up my emotions yet leaves me feeling great. And with all that I find myself wanting too much maybe as a friend and I dont' want to "not demand" but I don't want to feel I turn to him for all my problems/concerns or how I find myself turning to him to make me happy or to help me. Is that bad now that i write it I dont' think so. Maybe it's the wanting to be with them or thinking of them say like now that's got me worried. Or more I care about them and if it happened I didn't have them anymore it would kill me cuz i like them. Probably that. Getting too close can and personal opens you up to maybe getting hurt and leads back to that other stuff.

I don't want them to feel I dump on them/use them.. cuz I feel probably lots more. Say right now... I feel my heart race when I hear my messenger sometimes or I jump.. crazy huh.. and up all alone it's late and I think Hummm wonder what J's doing.. and why do I do that??? why would I think about that when I'm just here... My days off... I still wonder what's new or how's it going. Sure i care as a friend blah blah but still... I find myself wanting him again... sorry gotta be honest specially if this journal has ever been read it's been said before I know.. soo anyways.. yeah it's OK to feel that way just I know it's not something I can have.. but i like the fun thinking/dreaming about it and the possibilities that I have. So oh well I've felt that way before even worse maybe and it's passed.. as will this. So is that normal or is it just me...??? Wonder if they ever think as crazy as me. Guess I'll have to ask next time we're chattin all personal. Or they could be sweet and just say. ;) :wink:

lol i'm silly see. OK so analize that. I figure I've probably said too much.. but I started this journal just for this purpose to sort the stuff out.... so if your reading and don't get it.. join me I dont' either. Just writing what I think at that moments... doesn't mean it's all true, but at that time it must be huh? OK I'm off to play some tetris..

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

Party Time

I know I should pick up a 12 pack cuz I know my uncle likes a beer after work and my cousins wouldn't mind or probably hubs either for that matter but it's my duaghters bday she's only 4 i dont' care they drink but they can bring there own I made punch isn't that good enough plus I think the park by our house has city rule of no alcohol in parks.. Probably not a major worry huh. I did forget to buy charcoal today.. I'll just swing by the store b4 we hit the park. And its' kinda windy and I almost thought I'll just order chicken but with 10 adults that'd be lots of chicken and I already have all that other stuff ready. Wonder if my babysitter lady will come with her girls?? They said might be able to ... oh well usually ends up i have prepared too much anyways. Those salmon croquettes were awesome I could've ate the entire batch.. Made 6 servings of 2 each and ate some lettuce. MmmMmm

My Dad called sang BDay song I think to my daughter.. She didn't know who it was on the phone though and wouldn't really talk and kept wanting to give me the phone and I got on and it was my dad but he was pre=occupied with something there obviously since didn't hear a word i said nor did he ask anything about what was going on.. so after I told him all I said Yeap and I'm going to go since your not listening anyways.. and there's a long pause and he's like Yeah were going over to the mall for supper.. and pause again.. and I'm like didn't hear a word I said. Then pause.. and thanks for the emails and pictures.. pause I'm like glad you like them I sent more this morning of kids. OK bye.. oh here's your mom. mom gets on I can't take it I had the phone to my daugher she thinks it's grandma in town.. normal of course.. I had her picture of her.. so C realizes who it is and she didn't I don't think until after I explained grandma that lives far away my kids don't know their grandparents. Upsets my mom but hey... not my fault I have pictures i show all the time almost daily. Anyways C not saying much and hands me phone and it's dead air... ??? Werid. I wanted to cry .. and why??? My bro called earlier 1st time I had talked to him since he moved after the 4th of July. Missed him and so happy for him his wife's there and his golden bday on the 27th:) But something totally F)&^ked up somewhere and Errrrr I don't know if I can handle it all somedays. Anyways.. Back to my real world and my kids laughing rolling round on the floor.. How fun to be small and carefree:)

Bday Preps

OK i like to cook/bake whatever I just hate the clean up. I have to make some mac salad and a veggie tray with some homemade dip that I can eat lots of and is nummy. While I'm in the kitchen I might as well whip up another batch of that soup I love and salmon croquettes as well as some sugar free jello. I find if I prepare stuff ahead it saves me lots of time and also frustration of trying to figure out what's for dinner... like last night I had to make 3 seperate meals. My kids wanted french toast with cinnamon and syrup, with bacon .. Hubs had a double cheeseburger and cottage cheese and kids had apple slices.. I had a 1/2 baked potato, 4oz chick breast with mushrooms and mixed veggies. Nothing like a mess in the kitchen.

Tonight it's party night so I'm have brats and burgers and all that stuff and yeap I'm having a hotdog I don't care. I can skip the burger. And cake I'm having a piece of that barbie cake it looks sooo nummy.. omg. MmMmm

OK that's where I am.. for now.. keeping my distance from the computer again for the day last night I did so well.. I wish I could be honest with myself and my feelings on that what I wish to not be hurt by. I'm working on it. Ok Chop chop

BitchTest



OK so I took this test last year on Sept 3rd and was only 42% but this year I'm at a whoppin 56% Ouch.. and only 10% of women who took the test were bitchier than me. I have a problem obviously?? Am I a bitch??? I don't think so.. I retook a couple other too I'm 61% slut now too.. wonder if that's up from b4? I'll have to look it up. OK gotta chat.. bbl

Happy Birthday !!!

It's almost my daughters 4th bday hard to believe it was 4 years ago already when I was in the hospital now and just about to have her.. at 1224am. Ohhhh she was so beautiful and perfect and still is of course and How when I held her those 1st moments I cried and was soo happy and it just seems like so long ago already... time really files now she'll be 4. Kinda makes me sad. I got out her baby book and photo's to show her tomorrow how little she once was she'll love that I'm sure.

I had a nice night at home cleaning wishing company would pop by but then when it's clean no one does LOL.. oh well. Have to pick up the cake and ice cream tomorrow and pop by post office. She wanted a Barbie cake :) Cute.

Burrrr it's so cold out only 48 degrees right now. Chilly. My brothers wife who's been in iraq serving from our local gaurd unit got a week off and was to fly into nashville 2nite to meet up with my brother.. who's been missing her tons.. I hope she had a safe trip and made it. I can't imagine having to say goodbye after a week again though... and how hard that is going to be not knowing again how long her mission will be over there. April 15th is when they set foot I guess over there..

I'm not in the bestest mood on another note yet but that's ok. Not everything can be perfect in life. I'd talk about it which I'd love to but can't at this second.. I'll be back.. have to let the doggie out.

Monday, September 22, 2003

Milk

I could drink a gallon of milk I think right now. I'm so craving giant glasses of the white stuff.. or a really thick chocolate milk OMG nummy. The kids are fun on Mondays they must miss me so much over the weekend and know it's just me and them on Monday's cuz they're all huggy and lovey and Ohhh Mom we miss you. I'm excited it's my daughters Bday tomorrow were having a picinic at the park by our house tomorrow night. Hope that it's nice outside because I haven't had a good picinic all year. Oh I can't say that hubs and me and kids all have had a few. I've invited my grandparents and an aunt and uncle and 2 cousins.

Now what should I make??? I thought about fryin up some chicken and making a mac salad or potato salad buying some chips and of course the cake and ice cream. How about a veggie/??? Hummm or skip the chicken and just grill some brats and burgers.. mmmm brats sound nummy. Well I just hope it's nice outside. I just ordered her cake a barbie theme. What if it's crabby out.. i'll have to have everyone at the house then that's ok too. Just I hate my grill latley. Everything you cook and if you shut the top leaves a black film on your food. We cleaned it out bought all new bricks and it's still doing it???

Thinking about grilled I should decide what's for lunch. If I was to ask the kids they would say exactly this: "Hummmm I know... and then scream MAC N CHEESE... omg they could live off that.. Not me on this diet. OK I'm gone

Deleted

Deleted... I wish I could say more or more I wish I could understand what it is I feel, what I want or what I need. It really hurts to hear that someone you feel so important in your life right now doesn't care. It really bothers me to hear if someone else is upset or hurting. But 2nite I was upset, being one of those nights you know it's nothing major but you still want a sympathitic ear a "friend" who'll be on your side listen and be there.. one of those nights. And work really has nothing to do with it but it's life.. overall and hubs and a mess of feelings and.. I'm sad to feel now or crushed that one you believe cares really doesn't. Just as hubs whom you can tell flat out how you feel or how something hurts you and point blank ignores it I felt I found that with whom I could entrust my feelings with to find they could care less .. and best or even better to keep a hush.. . as I did .. Life's just a bummer somedays.. gotta learn to smile.. Love and live on I guess, and delete. My Goal: To be happy always and make everyone I love and care about as happy if not happier:) I'm just thankfull for the friends I do have and Thankful. Hugs n kisses XOXO

Sunday, September 21, 2003

Lessons

Here's what i learned in church this morning:
Building a Foundation - 5 Lessons to Live By:

Listen
Love
Learn
Live
Lead

And that it takes 35 compliments to mend one complaint or comment. Wow. Just thought I'd make note of it all and see if i can try to implement it into my everyday life thoughts. I'd like to at least. It was my daughters 1st day of sunday school. She colored listened to a story and sang some songs n loved it. My baby who's 2 was auto enrolled in the preschool 2 and 3 year olds but we decided to hold him back a year from sunday school since most of those kids were pretty big and he just turned 2 this summer and is totally not ready... so he had to sit and play in the nursery which he loves usually but this time when we went to pick him up he was screaming crying missed us. His 1st time alone in the nursery or probably anywhere without his bigger sister. Poor lil guy.

Just another Rainy Night

I'm still snoozy feeling yet I can't sleep. I'm in an awesome mood just no one to share it with.. well I did share it pretty well already but all in all i was pretty depressed most of the day. Can't pinpoint why of course could be a hormonal thingy too who knows. I'm having an itch to get outta town again and get crazy. Somewhere where no one would know ya and no one would care and you could get as crazy as ya wanna. LOL...

I miss my parents a lot for some reason right now,, and my lil brother OMG my eyes tear up just thinking about how much I miss him. Holidays coming up but more it's my daughers bday on tuesday and my parents have never been to one of her Bdays or were here when she was born and I just wish my baby girl could know and love my parents like I do or how much fun and how I love my grandparents. Wish my babys could feel that love I felt when i was little and how special I felt with my grandparents.. it's probably not a big thing but I don't know is and was to me. .. I just have such great memories as a kid with my cousins and relatives. Hubs has no real family and mine's all pretty much moved away.

Wow it's really awesome stormy out right now Big lightening strikes probably should be on my computer huh. I'm frisky and can't even play. Boo well I can but .. .. not with who I'm thinking about. that's another thing... I just love that I can close my eyes and dream of those nice thoughts and things and smile and makes me feel so so happy. But then.. I hear them talk something else or nothing, nothing at all and it get me thinking .. wake up me... Damn

Unconscious Mutterings

I say and you think ?

  1. Savings:: Account
  2. On:: Off
  3. Wire:: Bird
  4. Word:: Game
  5. Bladder:: controll
  6. Missing:: you
  7. Side:: ways
  8. Window:: door
  9. Digit:: calculator
  10. Swirl::cinnamon