Twilight

Writing about my life and things in it and what I think

Saturday, September 20, 2003

Frickin Tired

Whoaaa I'm so tried. I'm stupid to still be up and up so late but just call me the champion queenie of tetris two teams... I lost one on one though.. that was hard and fun :) I'd like to rechallenge but my eyes bugged out and after an all nighter last night on 5 hours of sleep and it's 3am eternal now... and football at 9am. Means I have to get everyone up and ready or the little ones by 9 to watch his 1st game.. Boys hunting at 530 again for geese this time :( I am going to be so tired I am going to have to snooze for sure tomorrow afternoon. Plus now that Tom's here I'm extra snoozy.. and church on sunday morning my grandparents picking us up so we go. Not that I don't want to .. i just cant motivate myself to get up at 630am's on sundays after working nights and being up.. i just gotta i guess... make myself. I am more tired out now that I exercise i think....

So I'm all funky honrey.. more then usual.. sopose that's that feeling b4 ya go into heat huh.. boo.. hoo.. Maybe it's just i've been over excited about someone else again. That's something I have to sort out soon. I can't go into either right now cuz i'm so tired I don't know what I'm even saying I am going.. to try to sleep .. I went over 7 points today.. that's OK you get 35 a week and last week I didn't use any.. plus I went out for breakfast this morning and hadda piece of cake.. 1/2 cookie and 10 peanuts.. can't ya tell tom's here cuz I so want choc. MmmMmm Ever wanna reach out and just touch somebody??? I'm a huggy person and I wanna huggy...

Wednesday, September 17, 2003

One of those weeks

Afraid to write cuz afraid I won't be able to stop and time is something I havn't had all week. Hubs home all 3 days I've had off. Has it been nice Nope.. not at all really.. OK see statements like that leave me feeling like shit... some points have been nice. I am really frustrated right now with him in some areas and so much I don't know. I do know he found out nothing today about a relocation of his position at work.

He called and Human Resource director says to report to job as usual in am and to talk to his foremans, foreman tomorrow. ??? Hubs upset right off the bat nothings ever done out there .. he doesn't get big companys and all the channels and different politics that go into running a biz at all I think. he sees 3 jobs open on the inside and his past history and reviews all positive and should be a "shoe in" or he feels.. but never that.. and never will be... doesn't see that by saying this reflects his foremans foremans.. position.. and his foreman's position and up the ladder.. I tell hubs you bitch about one.. but his boss didn't/doesn't care.. nor his.. nor the next up to the CEO's.. obviously nothing will change. Hubs just can't grasp how he feels no one cares out there what anyone does... I tell him if no one else cares why the hell do you...??? ?? So last month or two he's tried going to work with the attitude of that.. but says can't.

Honestly I don't blame him but I don't foresee any other jobs in this town that he'd be able to get with same benefits and hours and pay... and that's ok the part that pisses me off is that he doesn't care or worry about anything ever just well we'll have to find another job. No worries about how bills would be paid.. never trying to better himself or us. Just kinda getting to me. Maybe it's this diet and i'm like we quit smoking to become healthy. I'm not healthy gaining 20+ pounds after.. so I am exercising and eating better and trying.. I try to keep the house picked up .. laundry done everything kept up .. I feel I'm just a single mom again with someone I love that I feel no satisfaction from in return. No adult conversations no real conversations at all. And snap.. OMG i snap at everything from him latley. I dont' want to.. but I do. WHY? I don't know. I just feel like I'm all alone working at working on things. If I approach him with an idea or thought it's like Whatever.. sure.. no comments.. I could do whatever and whoopie I guess. Ohhh it's not all bad.

I don't want anyone thinking bad of hubs I love him.. lots I do all I can to make him happy and be more positive. It's just been a long week. I sopose I'm off to give the kids their baths.. then do the same and cuddle up with a book or something different.

Monday, September 15, 2003

Farkel & A Dream

Winner :) Played a lil game after work and I won!!! OMG I have to write about something too but not 2nite... too perfect . And with all that I am going to go.. but not without telling about this dream I had the last time b4 i forget.

So me and this guy are in a giant walmart shopping and looking at underware. Big ones little ones.. boy ones girl ones and goofy we decide to model them for each other, each getting a pair. They pick out some cute lil white string ones for me and some sexies for him... and we check out and I'm thinking Hummm omg how nutty and fun :) So different almost crazy and still thrilling like humm... he drives out to a dirt road and turns off into a field.. it's a perfect hot summer night with a nice breeze and almost a full moon and the sky is lite up beautifully with bright stars... a perfect night outside. We model our undies then decide to swap. I'm in his and him in mine and b4 ya know it were doing it... in our undies.. it was awesome, with the warm breeze and brite sky and the tuggin anyways.. in the end we decided to throw our undies in the tree line next to the field.. and I laughed thinking that some farmer is going to be out plowing his field thinking someone else got plowed out here obviously cuz of these undies hanging on the tree limbs. LOL OMG funny huh.. Dreams are great... I just hadda record that memory forever cuz it was great and vivid and still today makes me smile and wish I could go back in time or replay that for real....... ...

Which leaves me with this other dream.. another, but more another thought or feeling. Beautiful and nice of course can't do anything but love and dream about the creativity and time they take.. that makes your insides just melt. OK yeah I know another time.. Ok yes I have to get up early and go shopping for daughters bday. Hubs home for next few days, should be fun.

Sunday, September 14, 2003

Unconscious Mutterings

Week 32

I say and you think ?

  1. Wedding:: Dress
  2. Roach:: Kill
  3. Expense:: don't buy
  4. Fight:: argue
  5. Air:: craft
  6. Protect:: and serve
  7. Glance:: look
  8. Boo:: hoo - scream
  9. Steamy:: shower
  10. Caviar::ewww yuck

Soup

Boys all out doing the paper route and my daughter who turns 4 on the 23rd decided to stay behind and spend some Mommy time. OMG no way... everyone always wants to go bye bye.. but she runs and hugs me and says I want to stay home with Mommy and kisses me. Mmmm hummm that's odd but I loved it. OK yes.. so I asked for her help in making a big pot of that veggie soup. I'd cut the stuff up and she'd put it in the measuring cups asking questions and when I started cutting into the onion OMG it was strong tears are rolling down our faces and we were laughin. Darn "UnJuns" as she calls them. Fun Fun Fun. She stired the soup and tasted it and Goes Mmmm with a nose crinkle which I picked up she wasn't sure if she liked or not. But so precious. Wish these moments would last forever.

Love Letters

I get my horoscope in my email everyday and happened to read mine for today and wow.. says my partner (hubs) target of my moodiness.. and OMG he was poor guy.. and usually I'm not moody but I was such a bitch today. Here's the whole thing.

Your partner will be the target of your moodiness even though he or she is not the cause of it. Your emphasis on finding the similarities between you two signals the beginning or end of growing closer.

Not that I was a bitch, bitch but a bit crabby. Somedays I wonder how he puts up with my pickyness or crabbyness.. usually i'm not I guess but I am lucky to have him and on the way home 2nite I do feel bad for being the way I was earlier today when all in all he's awesome. I mean, my 1st hubs was a total Dick, still is at times and hubs is so the opposite, he'd go out of his way to do almost anything for anyone.. has never put me down or called me a name.. like never gets mad which sometimes makes me feel he doesn't care, but really i know he does.. just has a way of being extra nice to make me feel even more shitty. Just like I called him 2nite to say goodnight and he was already alseep says.. Ohh I'd have called and said night but I knew how mad you were with me and assumed you were busy at work so I left a note for you on the table. I get home and see he's still in bed with the phone still in his hand and the note on the table reads I love you honey I hope your night went better than your day and if there is more I can do tomorrow to help please just let me know I love you. and he signs is formal his whole name.. LMAO ok he always signs his entire name when he signs something.. one time he sent me flowers and on the card it's his whole name.. lmao.. like duh... anyways.. the point is.. even when I feel I'm mean and he should be all pissy with me he isn't.. but nicer sometimes..

I need to try harder to do 110% better than I want to do... to go outta my way to make his day, days. LMAO at my puppy playing with her bone right now.. growling at it and tossing it up in the air. Cute. I sopose I better get I have every intention of going to church in the am.. hubs and son going out hunting again at 5am.. I like this too J wrote hubs a note tonight too thanking him for taking him out hunting and teaching him all he knows and loves him. Just notes of love laying around I gotta get me some or starting writing some of my own to fit in huh.. hehe:) OK Bye