Twilight

Writing about my life and things in it and what I think

Saturday, August 30, 2003

My Subconscious

Took another test at Emode this time it was a bunch of questions that tell you what your subconscious has been thinking about recently. I take the test thinking this will tell me and I'll be able to pinpoint this uneasyness I've been feeling or whatever the case and here are my results I copied...

~~~~~~~
Amy, your subconscious mind is most preoccupied with issues around your finances

On a conscious level, you might already be aware that something is troubling you, or eating up a lot of time when it comes to your financial life. But it's also possible that thoughts and feelings about money have been preoccupying your subconscious mind leaving you with nothing more than a general sense that things just don't feel 100% right in your life though you can't quite figure out why.

You may feel stressed about your finances or that you're not where you'd like to be financially. Perhaps your financial situation has changed in the past few years or isn't changing in the ways you'd like it to. Maybe you feel like you need more money to feel comfortable in your life. Or maybe you're so frustrated with your situation that you avoid the topic all together.

Whichever feelings hold true, your test results indicate that right now, your subconscious mind is working overtime to resolve the issues confronting you in this area of your life even if you don't feel aware of it.

However, you can learn easy ways to tap into your subconscious mind and discover the source of the issues that are preoccupying you.

~~~~~~~~

LOL omg that could be.. not that I'm in any trouble or anything but the idea of buying a new home has really been eating me and not that I want one or whatever... but the whole thing is crazy.. but I wouldn't say it's over finances.. but more my feeling of Discontent... and I'm blaming it on that situation.. when as in my past I have been very content here.. but why now am I not??? WHY???

Year Complete

Dudley DoRight. Diddly do de dippity donda doodle da dingadong. I've lost my mind. Sept 1st marks my one year at this address domain. Hard to believe I've been bloggin well over 2+ years already. I've concluded it's been a good and a bad thing. What goals have I set for the future of my blog? I have idea's but nothing's ever so set in stone in my life that it requires rules or regulations. I thought about retiring this blog, thoughts about starting another.. or debloggin myself completely yet that would be very unhealthy for me as I tend to write to sort out my mind n thoughts.

Why this blog? I've defined my reasons before I know and they still hold true. Why would someone write for the whole world to see one might ask. It isn't that it's specific for any one person or even thought I just write for myself plain and simple. I enjoy the emails and comments I get, and I sopose it's theraputic for me just knowing or assuming someone out there's reading this for other reasons but then again if not that is OK too. The bulk of my emails consist of people just saying Hi and how they enjoy just reading someone just being themself or how brave to write such personal feelings. I think "really"?? Then I realize I write for myself no one else. Then again, right now I'm writing about people writing me. I write what I think at the time I'm writing.

Should I continue?

How many journals do I have OMG... too many really. I have my bedside Journal of my family, one of just hubs and mine = special moments n times.. and my dream journal. I have a diet/exercise journal. Photo website. Kids blog, Family website and blog. crochet clubs and journals and websites and 10 others I'm sure if not more. This being the utmost personal and just mine.. all me n mine kinda thing.

So with "whom" which inspired me to move this journal to a more public stand I salute you and thank you yet I curse just a bit but all with a smile. I dedicate my 1st year on this site to them. Known or not they were.

What is next??? One will never know.... and the future of the site?? Again a decision I've given some thought. Maybe I need a new layout.. Twilight is me though... I come alive at that time. I wish I was Dawn sometimes. I wish I could write exactly what I think again. I'm reserved recently. O

Friday, August 29, 2003

How ya Doin?

I was going to write about my dream but forgot most of it well not all of it... wish I could almost cuz right now it's embarassing to remember a bit. I did write it down in my dream journal. I actually did it with this guy I know that I have never ever had any intimate feelings for nor the thoughts never ever crossed my mind and yet so graphic and OMG never so vivid of an act but was awesome LOL. OMG must be that hypnotic suggestions I'm telling myself coming thru.

Oh crap I think i have 100 virus on my puter all these patches n updates left 100 more werid programs on .. I don't know I'm all confused but this stupid Tftpd program keeps popping up.. and everytime I restart a little "update" box starts up and when i right click on a window I get this nView options thing... any smart people out there check out this program that popped up unexpected on my puter the webpage is here I got the updates and my virus programs are up 2 date and scanned and nothing found so I'm clean just stumped on how this program ended up on my puter and these b4 this even showed these weird update mini window pops up everytime I start up now too.

OK enough talk of that which I do not understand. Ever been upset with someone but more it's probably just jealous... well I don't even know if it's jealousy.. naaa.. how about upset at yourself.. yeap that's it. It isn't anyone else but myself again that i'm angry with. Heck I'm not even angry just one of those slap yourself silly sorta moments.. like "duh" your so dumb days. Get over that or don't allow yourself to feel that way. Yeah it's me allowing myself to become attached too much and I sopose i get pissy cuz I feel used yet it's my own fault. Doing it all the time. Always have.. .. and as always only myself to blame for these frustrated feelings.

Why does it always seems no matter how hard you work at something or how much you go outta your way to help them or do something for them in the end... I always end up kicking myself in the ass .. well not really I just am on this... I don't regret the millions of hours and time and money I've wasted away on friends I did it because I believed at that time I was helping and I probably was... I think I'm feeling a bit hostile cuz it's never like I can go to any of them with any of my problems. Do people just think I'm always honky-dory? YankieDoodle Dandy?

And for example my other friends been really pissin me off so much as I don't consider time to be a friend anymore. And is that the definition of a friend anyways??? I mean lets use this one for example.. since they fit to so many others I have. Call ya up.. bitch bout this.. that.. always depressing or bring ya down.. you go outta your way to listen give advice .. go over... bring them a lil pick er up flowers or something I've made of a deserrt or something.. anyways always there.. 5 in the morning or 8 at night or during our family supper.. but ya know when I hit bottom.. like when I have something eating me.. I have never.. NEVER been able to talk to them or felt I could call them up. And it's funny I have been counting the times they call on me.. and just waiting for any of them to ask.. hey "how are you" Not a one. And a real chuckle was the one asked and b4 I could answer they went off about one of their problems again.> LOL.

I'm in bad spirits arn't I. I should shut up. I just have major bugs.. buggin me n no one to talk to. And sure there are a lot of friends that probably would listen if I went to them... just not me to go to people like that.. i don't feel comfy like that. And usually nothing major anyways just silly feelings or something.. yet.. it's easy to talk to casual friends about problems.. but you go away and sometimes feel worse.. cuz ya know they don't really care.. and now that i'm sitting here writing, I stop and think what is it that's buggin me??? I can't say.. why?? cuz I don't know. It's one of those feelings where you want to get in your car and drive. Just no where particular.. but with someone that cares and not even really talking just someone there ya know that cares enough to be there just incase.. you feel like spilling or talking.

:P lol do I sound crabby?? I'm not actually i'm in a real good mood.. just this one feeling that has me kickin myself.. just look in a mirror and smile .. stick your toungue out at yourself or something.. that always works for me. Or sing a dorky song like a funny commercial or Mr. Roboto while acting like one. OK to happy thoughts... Tim. Even if you can't it's nice to imagine.

Thursday, August 28, 2003

Dream

OMG what a dream did I have this morning... so vivid and crazy and still has me thinking wtf??? LOL. awesome storm this morning woke me up at 530 and couldn't get back to sleep til after 8 then kids up at 915. Oh well. I'll write more this afternoon gotta run

Wishing

Made it through a sleepless day. Watched LOTR 2 Towers last night with friend it was awesome just want to watch the 1st one again and that one again cuz I forgot a lot I think. I loved it. Anyways after 4 when I got home waiting up and woke up hubs and had some morning fun being I got so excited b4 I left... anyways asleep by 6 then up at 9. Hubs got off at noon due to accident he had and kept me busy waiting on him. Which was fine poor guy yet didn't get much of a real nap in with him home in the afternoon with kids napping;) hahehe

So after work another waitress hipped up on heading up the hill then they call.. omg I think NOOO I want to cuddle up in a blankie and tickle or something 1015 early yet. But I head up was fun and funny gotta smile at these older guys and the flattering words and phrases they say to me. You smile say thanks and just shake your head with a laugh. Took me and hour to get outta there couldn't turn around without another full drink.

So guy there when I'm ready to go says don't go lets you and me go see T and winks OMG... OMG.. no way. I can't imagine ever anything like omg. can't go there but still.. ewww funny. At the same time I'm chuckling to myself cuz this guy trying to hard to figure it all out n thinks he knows.. and so what if he does.. but don't wink n hint wtf.. i don't care think whatever ya want... doesn't mean i'd ever admit a thing. So 2nd offer to work there now on Wed nights.... and told them last time I'd think on it.. still havn't came to a thought on it. Sure then again No. I have a ton more reasons to say no than yes of course. Sopose I will give them an answer here soon.. i'll have to decide by the weeekend.

So I had a couple bacardi O's they were OK too sweet one was enough. Then I don't know but drinking gets me funky and why I don't want to drink without someone I trust anymore cuz I tend to find myself in trouble or in awkward positions or conversations.. anyways not the situation 2nite but still... trying to avoid drinking like thatl..... cuz yeap 2 drinks and I'm all staring at the phone .. looking out the window.. thinking.. OMG I want that.. How can I get that.. feeling.. silly yeah takes me a drink to let go I guess... but why I should avoid it huh. exactly... amy

hehehe i wish so much right now to claim that "oweing me" thing.. naughty.. shhhh

Yeah i'm talking silly again too i'm sure it's hitting me. I want to go wake hubs sooo bad its' late maybe he'll wake up. Wish there was someplace open this hour in this town. Wish my friend would come by for a visit. Wish I could just go to bed like a normal person??? Wish I didn't have that last drink. OK I'm off to play see what fun I can find.

Tuesday, August 26, 2003

DVD crap

OK my new puter has a the DVD-RW/CD-RW drives and This program included has a program that takes your photo's puts them into a slide show with words music or whatever you want to add having 99 slideshows with 99 pictures each.. and they can fit on one DVD or regular CD-R and burn as a VCD. OK So I burn one VCD and it won't play on my DVD player. Sopose i thought supported VCD's but didn't so crap. I break out my case of DVD-R and RW. there about $3 a piece compared to CD-R at 25cents.. anyways I redo the whole thing takes me an hour and 1/2 to organize all the photo's and songs and albums and I go to burn. 3/4 done and it says error on disk and pops it out. shitty. WTF??? Hummm so I put in another disk thinking hummm i'll try again and test the Disk first... test is OK and says now click on record. Click on record and it tell me Disk won't work it's been written on. WTF New disk?? Grrrr it's junk now so used a DVD-RW about $8 a disk thinking this way I can delete it if I doesn't work. Start burning and 2 sec into it ejects error on disk again. F*(^K Off 3am in the morning and I'm like screw it.

Ignored this damn puter all morning. Usually I love a challenge but i've had no fun what-so-ever with my DVD burner yet cuz I can't make backup's of anything I wanted to Disks suck they get scrathes on them and they're done for wasting 20 bucks a movie. Anyways I'm crabby at it cuz I can't figure it out. Sopose I'll tackle into it later more.. maybe.. or buy a different program maybe? I really want to burn off some of these pictures and send to my parents. Grrrr

Yeah I'm Up

So my plans to crash at a normal time ... what is normal anyways? My normal or hubs or kids or what? I don't know I was so tired earlier in the day and now i'm so up I hate it. I rented that movie my boss lady watched called phone booth and yeah it was good:) Fun to watch a movie and worked a little on crocheting didn't get much of anything done 2day at all.

I am pissy cuz I burnt a VCD or whatever the DVD version but can use regualr CD-R or something I'm not sure but the DVD/VCR combo thing I bought I thought supported VCD's but after wasting and burning 5 CD-RW and CD-R's I'm saying screw it and hadda start all over and just burn the albums onto regular DVD writables which I have but are more spending I guess I don't care whatever I just thought that it supported VCD's.. not sure now or maybe it's just I don't know what the hell I am doing. So I'm cleaning up files on my puter trying to organize all my pictures only snapped over 100 today. I sopose I average 40 some pictures a day. Gotta clean it up huh before I start to wear out my new scanner. I have a ton I need to scan as well.

Damn it was super hot out again today sucks. Sopose to go to my grandma's tomorrow night to visit some relatives.. boy Im' just anti-friendly these days i don't want to. Son's 1st day of school was awesome he said loves it. Don't they always 1st few days:) He does very well in school I'm always proud of him. He decided to play flag football again this year. Last night and most this month he's been saying he's skipping football this year since 1st year hunting would rather spend his Sat mornings out doing that. I get the form he looks it over and says Dad... should I take football again. Hubs smiles and says if you want to ... do whatever you want to .. he smiles back and says Yeah practice isn't until 930 on sat mornings and gives us a couple hours b4 to hunt.. break for some FBall eat some din-din and head back out. LOL omg...

I kinda liked he was skippin football then again I love to get up at 830 pile the kids in the van and watch him. The hot chocolate and inbetween games ya run to the bakery and get rolls for everyone :) Mmmmm. It's fun and the cool crisp fall air . Yeap I have to switch myself around here from days to nights. This is crazy.

OK yeah yeah i have lots I like to do by myself and it's so quiet and nice this time of night. K i'll be on a bit longer.

Monday, August 25, 2003

Up early

I would've thought getting up b4 7am would give me some big giant surge of energy yet I've been lathargic all morning just laggin around with the kids who woke up 2 hours earlier as well. I think even them feel the effects of waking up earlier. I want to take that afternoon nap so bad, right now even, but tell myself NO. Don't take a nap go to bed 2nite instead at like 11 or midnight. Well I guess we will see. OK off to do something... to stay awake I guess gonna be a hot one again.

Bang Bang

My aunt n uncle horney people they are send me all kinds of jokes and funny flash movies and gotta chuckle watching these too one called Ride On where you try to see how many people you can pile on each other.... yeah it's just OK.. but this one called Pile On Bang Bang Bang is just hilarioius. I like the little song that goes with it.. kinda funny for something different huh. One of those catchy tunes that sticks with ya and play it a 2nd time and you can sing a-long to it even .. those kinda songs.

So glad the week's over :) I'm pretty blah.. actually I don't wanna be but keep telling myself I gotta get some zzz's my puppy is snorning next to me wish I could crash that easily. Making breakfest sons 1st day of 6th grade. He requests... Bagel's with Strawberry cream cheese.. scrambled eggs on toast with bacon and Sunny D and milk. Yummmy :) He left me a note he's set his alarm for 630.. I was hoping to get up b4 him but jeeze that'd mean at like 6am... Sopose I might as well just get up when hubs goes to work and stay up round 530 and play by myself for awhile and stuff. I can always take a nap Monday afternoon with my baby since my daughter is spending afternoon at my Grandma's.

I wanna buy a piano bad... and I want a cool stereo for my bedroom.. Nothing big but really small with awesome sound and just a CD player would be fine. Or micro speakers mounted on the ceiling in the cornors of our room with some ocean waves sound CD playing. I could re-get-into the whole hypnotic sleep state thing again I think. Self-hypnoisis kinda thing to re-program myself think happy thoughts and be happy and stuff all kinds of positive things my way... hell just the cool dreaming in that state is fun. What would be fun is to lay in my big bed.. with the ocean sounds with someone else and talk thru it all.. outloud without really touching. Mmmm hummm interesting. OMG i'm so weird and bored I'm making crap thoughts up. Hehhehee. All aboard the Imagaination Station.. heading no-where. A round trip ticket to relaxation. It's ok come aboard.

LMAO that has gotta be the cheeziest hypnotic CD i have right now for relaxation. The only part I recall most is the train depot.. all aboard call and the whistle and ... next thing ya know is your sitting on a rocking chair on a porch of a house on a beach next to an ocean with the waves crashing.. sometimes I wake up during that. Havn't done anything like that since I had my babies just cuz I have to be alert for them incase anyone was to wake up since hubs never seems to. Would be fun to just plug into some head-phones and do that again.

OK i am going to go do a few things.. I'll be on buzz me if ya need me or just want me. Yeah know i'm feeling funky and can't do to much about it. One more drink .. good thing cuz again being in this state and all it makes it worse and i want it more. Damny I got some research to do online