Writing about my life and things in it and what I think

Saturday, June 28, 2003

Stay Outta my Way

Hubs gets off work at 11 on Friday and stopped and got the mail. I opened something addressed to me and it was a sympathy card from the Vet office signed by everyone from the office on the loss of my kitty.. Ohhh how sweet I thought and touching to realize yeah it's not dumb or bad to feel so bad about the death of a pet.. I'm sure many people feel as bad as I do about it. Dwelling on it isn't good either.. just when I get home from work it's always let the dog out to run/play and when we come in the puppy chases the cat.. and they play and now Belle runs in and no kitty.. it's like she misses snuggles too. And when I sit down no one's cuddlin my feet like Hey Lady.. give me some loving.. like my kitty always there when ya need to feel important in a quiet way.. never talks back.. just lays there n so relaxed always cats are.. and so mellow.. petting him was like Ohhh so lazy.. and relaxing.

Somedays I feel like a big ole nark. Not that I am.. just pissed me off 2nite cuz people kept coming thru my station and getting in the way and getting into almost fights with customers.. at the bar. I said something twice and the 2nd time T goes well just since you don't smoke anymore.. and I thought.. ya know what.. even when I did.. I didn't smoke during supper hours.. sure after I had my meal at night I'd have one and then after that if more relaxed and stuff sure.. and longest time I never did even b4 that cuz didn't like it when people out there I never really did unless I knew it was ok or who it was infront of.. anyways.. then ya got all these others doing it.. it's like WTF??? anyways.. so her saying I'm all holy now cuz I don't smoke.. well damit I felt the same way b4 I don't like people behind the bar area when I'm working. Duh... what if I came up to a table and was standing in front of you when trying to take an order.. or serve some food.. Duh.. and the walking thru even bugs the crap outta me.. what if I walked thru the kitchen next to the grill and stoves to get to the back room.. ???? just not considerate I feel and 2nite being busy bugged the hell outta me. Let alone I hadda go back there and dump there overflowing ashtrays and wipe down the counters... I CLEAN off.. not considerate OK yeah so I may be bitchy about it.. I didn't like being told I'm goodie two shoes cuz I quit now.. but whatever.. guess I'm a nark LMAO.. oh well... if they'd just respect my area n space I wouldn't have been 1/2 as pissy about it as I am... and that Dishwasher is nasty anyways sometimes and her comments hit me in the total wrong way and the dumbness of customers coming up looking for tickets while waitresses hiding down smoking in the corner hits me as something that could easily happen if it already hasn't.

Whoaa venting bout work.. something I havn't done forever.. sopose I stay away from it now cuz I know ... but naa it's all cool at work.. just once and awhile it's like ??? WTF??? And bosses so nice n so sad sometimes to watch them be so nice always and some people just take it in one ear and out there other.. I've said b4 glad I don't have their job.. I'm too much a hard-ass I'm sure.. they have lots more compassion than I do.. So why am I such a bitch??? LOL I know I'd be good manager in a city atmosphere or when I was supervisor at the bank... cuz strict rules and write ups.. no shittin round there.. but in a laid back small town where everyone knows everyone and workers slim to none.. i sopose makes a difference too. Glad I don't own a business.. don't think I'd be cut out for it.. and no one would work for me.. or be good enough probably. Damn I'm bitchy LOL nooo really I'm a nice person and have a heart.. yeah I do.. it's just sometimes I feel respect givin should be returned with same respect. Some people sometimes seem to think the world and everyone in it owes them kinda feeling somedays. OMG i'm getting way off topic again. Phew.

Moral of story.. don't piss me off n do things I have said b4 not to do or I'll just keep jumpin yer ass n I didn't like having to blow infront of customers but damit get outta my way.. after all that Hugs n Kisses love ya bye... I'm not mad at anyone or anything just respect me as I do to you. I won't go flip the cooks steaks nor stand in the way of the dishwasher washing dishes or stand in the way of waitresses when they're serving their food or taking an order .. so stay outta my way.. how hard can that be to grasp?????? ??? ??? ??? LOL ok i'm off the dead subject just bugged me and don't take it too personal or to heart too much please cuz that's why I keep a journal.. just cuz everything I write may seem drastic and dramatic lots of times .. well most the time.. it's just my wild mind writing whatever I think.. and it's almost all the time not really thought-thru.. or well said .. just my expression at the time.. not to be meant EVER as my final thoughts.. or views.. at least not always. My venting tool.. to forget it..

Sometimes I feel if I didn't write what I feel/think or things that i think or upset me they'd just stay there upsetting me over n over and writing is my way to spit it all out and get it all off my chest.. regardless of who cares or reads or whatever.. just for me.. :) Always understand that. Mine's so much more a diary rather than a journal huh. OK I'm off to clean the house... would love to wake up and not do a thing.. plus I'm wired and so awake.. got off kinda early at home earlier at least and can't believe everyone in bed :( Oh well.. my time to play Nite

Friday, June 27, 2003

Sadness still

Worked 2nite was kinda busy .. kept me busy enough and made time go fast at least! Funny I told myself once I turned 30 I wasn't going to get into depressing things or situations or try not to or get suckered in.. yet 2nite 2 waitresses who bicker behind each others backs all the time were at it again.. and one's like did you say something to the other or the boss.. and I'm like Hell no you two gotta learn to fight your own fights as stupid as they are and it's not my position to say something unless I feel it's affecting service and stuff.. yet their's in more personal.. and if they are having such a problem they should say something not me.. and more I don't want to be put in the middle of them.. so told them both when they're talking to me.. tell the other.. but nothing I can do. Funny.. silly-ness. Shakin my head...

Anyways still tear up thinking about my kitty today.. driving to work that Selena song I'm Dreaming of you 2nite.. till tomorrow.. I'll be holding you tight.. and I got sad.. thinking of waking up and kitty snuggling near me and cuddling.. Then I thought how I had the vet clinic just cremate his body.. and felt like that wasn't right now.. how I wish there was a real pet cemetary.. hard still to believe he's just gone.. he was fine over a week ago and now he's just gone.. Ya know I have never really had anyone that close to me pass away or even pets really that close.. I am having a horriable time with my cats death.. my heart goes out to everyone that's ever lost something they love.. cuz omg for some reason it still hasn't lessened yet.. for me..

So my aunt n uncle email me nutty jokes n stuff sometimes.. specially .swf files.. open them with your browser.. and watch kinda like little flash movies.. and it's of subliminal things.. I don't get the 1st one at all... an add for gin??? the 2nd one is really cool.. but the 3rd scared the crap outta me.. wanna watch it I downloaded if for you.. just click here for the webpage and wait for the little download.. watch n tell me if you catch the 1st one??? Subliminal Webpage-Click Here anyways yickes..

Hubs snoring I picked a rose from my rose bush/shrub Mmmm smell so nummy and so pretty just planted it last fall and it's still very small but has had close to 50 plus roses on it.. pretty and smelly I picked one on my way in the house 2nite. I sopose i have pictures to upload and email to my parents. I know I have pic's of my kitty with the kids on there.. why I've been putting off uploading... heavy hearted again:(

Thursday, June 26, 2003

Gehehe giddie

A guy has too much to drink and gets sick.. easy senerio sepcially since I work n a bar but the thought of puke or the smell makes me wanna vomit.. but sopose have a buzz on myself didn't bother me so much. So it's been 30 days since I quit smoking. I forgot to put my patch on today.. and actually put the last patch on monday afternoon and took off last night in bed.. so actually over 2 1/2 days since i put new patch on.. will be 3 by time i put one on tomorrow. I was pretty nervous about it but didn't bug me that much...

Oh i felt a bit funny then after work I didn't wanna drink cuz been awhile since and afriad of the craving.. but I didn't and I so wanted something to be something.. i had but did and got a bit tipsy not too bad but was funny cuz these 2 guys were drunk and these 3 girls and were funny and still wonder about this one guy and some times ya think you might know something about them.. then ya don't. Sopose people think that of me huh? hahaha j/k but funny. I know I stayed round for my own reasons which were fullfilled as naughty as I am to want/wish and do that oh well... wasn't like I could give it my 100% cuz of the timing just not right but was yet not yet the thoughts still hanging. I thought the new bed would help hubs snoring prob.. but when i walked in the door i heard him 2nite... too bad hoped it would've helped. I'm soo horney yet.. bad thing about working nights sometimes cuz he's so outta it but I'm so tipsy I want it all night.. poor guy.. actually i am pretty satisfied.. so much it's turning me on all ove3r again.. hehehe so maybe i'll go lay n think of all that.. Mmmm yeah.. mmmm i'm feeling so snuggly n like purr--in. K nitey nite:) Muahh... XSmotchy I need an all-nighter

Wednesday, June 25, 2003


Ohhh i found my bedroom set online.. the one I got iit's the Alexander Collection! Pretty huh.. dreamy to me. Didn't realize there was a cute little bench or another dresser.. assumed but wasn't on show so I didn't get those pieces.. but now I want them too.. Love to color slept good last night on the new matress but real test will be more than one night. Funny the bed top is like all the way up to my boobs.. it's that tall. I need a little step stool to just get into bed.. funny but another good thing is the little kids can't crawl into bed not matter what they try this morning was so funny they would try and try to climb up and fall and laugh... cute. Anyways here's the bedroom set picture:) click on pictures to see larger pic.

New Bed

What a day... I don't feel like I will ever be able to catch up with anything.. plus getting the new bedroom furniture today.. Ohhh sooo pretty :) Dreamy.. Yeap I got my new bedroom set.. but cleaned out my entire room and closet to get ready for it and I have boxes of crap to sort thru and just junk... And have 3 bags full of clothes I just don't wear to take to the thrift store tomorrow. Working with hubs at getting 2 old dressers out of our room and draining the water bed took forever... made it a long night working side by side with hubs for 7 hours wasn't what you call fun.. cuz he has to think thru everything and seems to take forever and he's so perfectionist like.. I'm just excited and like Come on.. lets just do it. Talk about doing it we finally get his new bed and my new furniture and we can't even break it in good:( Boo still did but not the same.. bluck.. anyways..

I'm still mourning my kitty.. doesn't seem right yet to smile or be too happy... I try to be of course.. think working tomorrow will help.. and hopefully I will be able to finish up going thru these 4 boxes and finding homes for all this shit b4 I go to work.. if not I'll just have to do it all tomorrow night cuz I can't have this stuff laying around and after taking all last week off which was awesome.. but I still have a ton of things to catch up on and just the regular crap and chores. Wish I was I dream of Jeanie and could cross my arms, nod and wink and everything be done.

I ordered Starz for $3.50 a month extra.. that's what it costs to rent a new relaease I figures what the heck even if I only watch one movie a month it's like paid for.. just I'm more a movie watcher than anything.. when I actually do take the time to sit down and watch something it's always a movie I like to watch mostly. Maybe I'll watch more now and relax more in my new room with new movies.. Just wanna live in my bedroom for now hahaha.. and pray new bed will leave hubs to sleep better with less snoring. It's still too firm for me.. I actually hate the matress.. ok harsh I don't hate it. ... shouldn't for what it cost but stood and fought for an hour over it.. finally he pissed me off enough I was like OK FINE>. we'll get this matresses but if in one week or 4 months I don't like it it's coming back.. and we'll have to try a different one.. He's into the firm mattress. OK so we've had a waterbed for 4 years and how can you go from wavy soft.. to ultra firm.. OK so it's not horriably firm.. it has that soft pillow top..

Its one of those simmions beautyrest beds the kind where you don't feel the person next to you moving.. throw the bowling ball on it and you don't move.. well So I go to jump on the bed or lay on it.. and you don't feel it spring or move at all.. it's like Plop.. on a rock.. ouchie.. no bounce at all.. doesn't feel like a real bed without a bounce to me and yeah the pillowtop is softer but not soft enough for me. But I said I'd try it. Who knows after a nights sleep on it I may feel different.. or a weeks sleep..?? I'm pretty tried already just not myself yet:( :( :(

Tuesday, June 24, 2003

GoodBye Snuggles

Today I did something I think was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life. I know it was for the best and everything but still just kills me a bit inside. Last week we were on vacation at the cabin and often leave our kitty home alone for a day or two. Leaving Monday morning I came home Wed to water the garden and feed water and play with the cat and did a load of laundry. When I got home my Kitty Snuggles was over meowy for him.. usually quiet and cuddly and just on his own but he was acting very funny not at all himself.. which I passed off as lonley and missing us.. as he sometimes gets..

To make a long hard story for me short when we got back Friday afternoon he still wasn't himself yet worse unable to eat nor use the kittybox all week. Over the weekend he became very dehydrated not able to keep anything down and lathargic and somewhat non-responsive. I awoke at 830 this morning and took him to the vet and had to make that decision to put him to sleep. Best thing being in so much pain and 90% probable that he had ate something and stuck in him most likely a part of a plastic like mouse he loves to play/eat on. Why I think that is when I came home to check on him wed he had throw up a bit of one.. and some of the play mouse fur. He in the past has ate all kinds of crazy things and whenever he got the chance to get into my sons room he'd climb up his desk or onto his dresser where my sons Lego creations are kept and the kitty would eat off the tires off everything he made. And puke them up for days.. always eating stupid stuff..

Anyways.. that final decision to actually say.. yes and put him to sleep was the hardest like giving out a death sentence to your beloved pet.. stab thru the heart kinda feeling. I cried so much Sunday and most of today. Then they ask if we wanted to come say goodbye or kids.. and I explained we and kids all did that already knowing.. and I know if I would've gone back I wouldn't have been able to let him go.. or something omg it's still eating me up. My poor kitty but ya know I have to be happy knowing he's feeling better and up in kitty heaven playing with all the other kitties.. right! And he's not in pain anymore.. I don't know how to tell my son in nashville I don't think I will until he comes home rather than have him upset down there...

He was just the best kitty. Found him a starving stray kitten about 2 months old. Had him declawed n nuetered right away.. and he was the cutest.. If i made a kissy noise he'd come up to me and rub him nose on mine.. and at night.. everynight when I crawl into bed at my late hours.. there he's be crawling onto the bed with me.. just waiting like all night for me to crawl in so he could get some loving.. and I'd sometimes pretend to sleep and he'd crawl up so quiet and lightly touch my cheek with his paw.. like please.. pet me mommy. and he'd do that all night.. until i'd finally say OK kitty enough now go to sleep.. and he'd go. And everynight when I get home and it's late or I'm up late there he is sitting on the floor by me or just waiting for that sign to jump up and cuddle. Always there.. always wanting and waiting and loving and cuddly.. never meowed much nor really purred .. very quiet and to himself.

He loved all dogs.. but afraid to death to go outside. Smart.. cats are smart so much easier to train than a dog I think. OMG I'm going to start in again with my crying if I don't get off this subject but seems to be all I can think about today. I just know I'm not going to get another kitty for a long time.. way to hard when something like that happens and he was so young yet.. He was like my silent bestest friend... always wanting to be next to you and so quietly would listen to whatever I would say and just lay by ya.. and cuddly.. and just go nuts when you'd sit down to want to be petted. Boo I'm going to miss him.. my snuggles.. I'd post a pic but too hard right now.. almost to hard to write about.. even harder to go lay down and try to sleep knowing he won't be pawing me to play.. like he has every single night I can remember for what seems like forever. :( :( :(