Writing about my life and things in it and what I think

Saturday, June 14, 2003

Goodbye To You

So last night some things happened, occured to me that hurt me a lot .... after a converstation with J and sleeping on it I feel much better 2day. I figure oh well if that's the way they want to act and treat people and be it won't bother me.. well sure at first it did and does.. but in the long run and in the long part of my life they don't matter nor do I really care to let them all anyways. Just know they don't have any class acting so immaturely. I am such a talker and do not like to live my life nor make anyone elses bad or make them feel bad and always try to help everyone be happy and think nice things.. and when someone brings me down that way I don't show it bugs me but rather stick my nose in the air and smile just knowing i'm a better person.. Yeah snobbish maybe I don't care.. I am. I'm not saying I am better then anyone else Noo just that in my world I am.. and sure in there little clicks and worlds they are.. just they are not part of who I am.. or my beliefs or values and someone along the line the past few months I've felt belittled into that world of theirs and I'm sure why I've been so discontent with myself. I told myself months ago I wanted to be around people that are positive and happy and just out to learn or enjoy the moments and times and I know being a bartender people that drink, not all but some people that drink alot have issues and drinking is just a depressant and the fighting and increased pressures and gossip gets old. I had never considered myself one to ever become dependent on drinking nor do I believe I do. I can have a drink or I can not. I can go without for ever if I wanted to. I don't feel like I have to drink to be around others or be someone else or whatever I have a ball just being me and I always figure if someone doesn't like that well tough.. it's me :) lol.

Looking back 2day at last night and the evil eyes and looks and even the lady that owns the place.. I think ya know 3/4 the time she's a bitch anyways and crabby assed.. so maybe that was just her being her and my over-reactions I don' t know.. but I still think not cuz things were different. And I felt bad for James who was with me cuz she's probably thinking WTF? And she noted a few things but she was pretty drunk to and kinda in her own world when she's drinking and kept saying things like well t came over and stood on the other side of you.. i said on the other side of me 2 empty bar stools away and talking to Jen and she's like Ohhh yeah but she was trying to make me feel better probably.. i don't know she can be funny too. But I am glad I confronted the entire situation once and for all.. cuz last week someone said T was mad at me too and I wasn't sure if I believed it and seeing it first hand last night just proved it. And if given the chance today to come face to face with him I'd just say ya know I thought we were friends and I'd shake my head and walk away and not waste another moment on that shit. And if he's hurt or whatever so be it fine and if that's they way he deals with it soo fine.. probably better off in the long run if I just leave it as is and let him deal with it all on his own cuz I don't want to be there anymore like that anyways let alone hopefully I still believe as a friend that maybe one day he'll look back and realize that what was said was meant and said with the best intentions.. as was. Obviously he felt more and so best thing to do was set him right.. being mad about it OK some guys get that way OK. yet only has himself to be upset with as I had been honest with him the entire time and knew my entire situation. But acting the way he did makes me feel shitty cuz it's like never considered anything we said did as friends ever and just using me maybe LMAO cuz thinks we using him...we'll I can play those games too and say he used me and now I say no and it's like See ya Bitchy lmao.. well really I kinda feel that way.. Ya know what funny but I don't really even care. I do but more I don't the more and more I think about it. So off the entire thing and back to reality and the things in my life that I love and are a part of my real world.

Friday, June 13, 2003


ok so this morning was the 1st time I hadda take the patch off while I was sleeping. Didn't help cuz I still was waking up with awful dreams.. guess those I should call nightmares. But I kept waking up every 20 minutes and ahd that restless sleep all night and evil horriable dreams but ya know they arn't like far-fetched dreams or crazy can't happen kind I have the could really happen dreams or did happen... and I am still sitting here with the worst feelings.

Almost makes you want to pick up the phone and call some people to see if true or not yet ya know they are not. Then almost to the point where you wanna hide out cuz omg.. lol stupid. I put a chicken in the oven with potatoes this morning for dinner it's smelling so nummy... figured I can't sleep might as well do something so I did that and made some cinnimon rolls with a powdered sugar glaze. Mmmmm wish I could have one. Did snitch a lil bite but no breads for me.

Ohhh my baby is so loving his elmo kissing and hugging him and dancing and singing... it's so cute. But my daughter is flipping out wanting it too... but they share pretty good. OK So I know this thing now about me that I'm not sure what to do about.. it's insane. OK I gotta go

My Day Tomorrow

1st off I do spell tomorrow right.. always wondered?
2nd - Bored reading my horoscope for tomorrow since todays was dumb.. Here it is

You really know how to seduce, dear Taurus. There is a spark inside of you that you spread naturally to those around you. You have a big reservoir of sensitivity and emotions that could become enlarged today. You could therefore meet and charm new people! Don't forget to recharge your batteries in order to keep your feelings intact for the days to come.

Ok the seducing part i really want to do.. so that could be true... the sensitivity and emotions being enlarged I am not sure I like. If they are good keep them coming but sometimes I get over sensitive I think and drives me nuts like last night I think someone's really upset with me and nothing i can say or do and hurts, rather then continue I run from the situations. Being over sensitive is bad also cuz like someone can say something kidding to me and I can totally take it as truth and to heart even if I think or want to think they are kidding.. wonder why I do that?? Why do I... I question even hubs sometimes and his feelings.. wrong I know I should trust more people.. and I really want to and try to always give benefit of doubt or think I do but maybe I don't.. think it scares me.. maybe it's i don't want to be brought down or hurt so rather then allowing the feelings at all I avoid them at all costs. I don't know I'm silly .. OK sooooo meeting and charming new people.. aww I don't feel like entertaining anyone nor charming for that matter cept those I already know and want.. no time for 1/2 i want let alone new people. LOL plus I work.. guess I could meet new people at work? Customers OK yeah I can charm them. Recharging my batteries. I'm about to go do that now.. sopose being as tired as I've been I should go to bed and get really rested specially if it was to keep your feelings in intact.. yeah I don't want my real feelings to ever come flying outta my mouth anytime soon... let alone depending on amount of energy n time and thought given sometimes I speak too much. I just wanna chill alone with them for a whole lotta time n be silly. Not just about the "" but as friends too. K nite

Elmo - can i Tickle You??? :(

Worked 2nite kinda slow someone said something to me that totally has me kinda confused but kinda not but more omg worried... but then i think wth if they believe 1/2 the shit that person says who cares right.. yeah whatever oh well. Do i care? well yes.. but not going to think about it anymore and hope to god she never brings it up again. Maybe it's my own guilty conscious playing with me as well.. probably.. but whatever I don't want to be confronted with that again.. cuz by my not participating in gossip probably makes me look more guilty and dumb and my no comments toward there's .. omg stupid .. i'm dumb whatever the little shit kinda pisses me off but then again I sopose it's very possiable that he actually does know all now that T's pissed n did tell n now he's telling omg whatever I don't care but don't like it.. and makes me uncomfy a bit.

ANYWAYS whatever K so work was ok finally got off really early and still a bit of sunshine. or more twilight and so nice outside.. nights I get off that early always like to go home cuz hubs probably still up but 2nite hadda go to wtrntown to take back the elmo I got my son for his bday that was broke and exchange for a new one. I am sooo glad I went it's exactly 1 week after his bday and he's finally going to wake up and actually have his bday present. It's so cute and he's such a cuties with his mellmo as he calls him.

I wanted to stay after n drink some new arbor mist n play soo bad but when i got there another waitress wanted to go to wtrtown to get some model car paint for something on her dad's grave or something and kept askin all night if I was going and how she wanted to go.. and I'd say if we get off early yeah I'll probably go but i said that at like 5pm not knowing it's be that slow that i'd actually get off that early.. LOL anyways.. and I tried to not go n didn't give her straight answer then just waited round I know for me so I went.. so I hit wally world.. the gas station n zoomed home.. gone a total of 2 hours and 15 minutes.. and 1/2 way home she says Wow you didn't even go to the casino.. and I'm like naaa i don't have any money and i'd just throw it away.. more didn't want to take her cuz just yesterday she was saying how her car payment due and she needs pills/medicine too and doesn't know how she'll pay both this check.. so i'm like no way .. and plus i had it in my head if I got back soon enough that someone would still be up.. but nope no one was up even other place up the hill closed at 1245 so Boooo i hadda just come home:( Sooo I tried to hurry... damit.

As of tomorrow at 11am hubs is on vacation for the next 11 days.. 11 1/2 really soooo he should be rested n happy shouldn't he??? And willing to go whenever I want or more he wants with no excuses he's tired right??? We'll see.... .. Damn i'm really horney 2nite too thinking bout it all last night n today n 2nite. But bang your head girly.. you saved mellmo:) I'll be my kids hero yeah!!! I gotta go

Thursday, June 12, 2003


OK been fighting with myself to go back on that diet again.. OK I've been saying for the past month I am going to start full force again but then keep putting it off. I opened the fridge up at dinner and said OK that's it back on.. and fried up a big burger pattie with fried onions n mushrooms and had a salad for supper. Took the little ones to daycare and stopped at the grocery store and stocked up on veggies n some more meat for me. Califlower n brussel sprouts n mushrooms n green onions n lettuce carrots and all that other good stuff. OK so I can handle all that it's just getting up and eating scrambled eggs n bacon every morning.. and that awful grapefruit juice. I went and bought some ocean spary ruby red hoping it'd be better but it's worse. LOL.. oh well chug it down.. n smile. The cancer-walk- is tomorrow night should be nice weekend too so will be nice to go over after work. OK I'm going to go jump in the pool with the girls for a bit then get ready for work.

sunshine morning

It's my grandma's Bday today... what to buy her that has everything.. a bottle of wine.. Yeap that's the ticket! because at their ages they have everything under the sun and food n drink at least you can use. Right? Sounds good 2 me but now what kind of wine to buy them? I need to mail off my Dad's FDay card too. I've been so bad at mailing things to my parents since they moved. I just don't do it enough but always jam packed with pictures and I have to haul it up to the post office 99% of the time to get weighed and it's never open after hubs gets off work so sucky sucky..

I woke up with my aunt jumpin in my bed and like a tital wave awoke me with a Morning Sunshine...i'm like what the F*(% time is it? It's like 830 come on.. kids arn't up for another hour.. :( but she wanted me to print out some pictures for her .. so I crawled out n made her day. :) Smilies. I'm in good mood though for being awake n up n kids up n dressed already too. It's nice n sunny and already 70 degress so will be beautiful!

Disappointed ... nope not going there.. i'm so happy I quit smoking! I'm doing so much better then I thought I ever could honestly didn't think I'd ever be able to quit although I still find myself cringing the thought when I'm upset or mad or sad n depressed. Mad it's the blood boiling and like screaming ohhh i need a smoke.. just habit mainly i think.. the depressed part is stupid too cuz then it's like OHhh who the hell cares.. might as well kill myself. LOL nooo i havn't thought that.. or used any excuses it's so nice.. and unlike other co-workers who scrounge round to smoke and take a quick drag here or there or come up and say OMG i need a cig.. i'm like Smiling so big thinking Ohhh Yes so nice to not smoke and have that awful feeling of needing that smoke or would die without. I can just breathe in and smile now! Pray that it always works!

K i gotta kick some ass round here going to attempt to get girls up b4 noon 2day.

i'm kinda feeling bad .. to write too much... so I won't
but instead go soak my saddness in the tub :( :( sniff sniff

Cheers L L <3 ;)
i still feel the same though bout them - sillyness

Wednesday, June 11, 2003


OK it's one of those beautiful days the sun is shining and outside it's almost hot on your skin but it's only 70 degrees which makes it just perfect. Outside most morning afternoon in the garden and with the little kids. I spent most the time weeding out radishes sopose to space an 1/2 inch apart well I have at least 8-10 in an inch line LOL and wedding such small plants is hard because you don't want to disturb the roots of the plant you wish to keep. And as far as the weeds go I'm not sure what's the easiest way to do that. Of course weed by weed next to the plants but in the rows I use my new garden claw I received for mothers day and love that but makes clumps.. of dirt not the fine dirt and it's ouchie to step on. Guess it's better then weeds LOL... Or packed down like cement like in past years.

I just know I loved being outside and wish the pool was just a tad bit warmer or I'd have jumped in after all that work. Ya know what I don't like... is that dirt that gets under your finger nails. Even if I wear gloves which I hate to do.. it still seems to just crawl under my nails and sit. You wash you hands a 100 times and they still look dirty. Guess I could just chop the nails off for the summer huh.

So all last week and this week girls have been sleeping in til noonish.. or 1145 and I get them up just in time for lunch... then after they go lay in there room one fighting with the other about what to do.. one doesn't want to do anything and the other tries to get her to and bored and won't do anything without her for fear she'll feel bad. Ohhhh Hummm... I told them if they're going to moap round all summer they might as well do something to be moapy about.. and told them to load up the dishwasher. The moaped round that for awhile.. and just 4 forks and 4 plates and 2 cups to load.. and I just gave up went outside. LOL They have an excuse for everything that I suggest yet want to do something. LOL and now they want me to burn them CD's... Do I do that when they havn't seemed the least bit happy about anything else or thankful? Then I think what if that was my son..?? How would I treat him .. well 1st off I wouldn't stand for him acting in any way that they do so can't even compare.. and shouldn't anyways they are their own. Just don' tknow what to do or tell them to make them happier. And hubs OMG don't get me started there. Anyways I'll just keep trying to suggest things I guess all I can do.. if they refuse at least I've been trying.

OK I'm off to get ready for work! Something wrong with my fingers they're all stiff and sore? It's really werid and I havn't been typing a lot or crocheting at all this week so it's kind of scarey specially that I use my fingers so much.. Maybe it's something I'm doing in my sleep? LOL OK probably going to wtrtown 2nite to take back Elmo we got our son for his bday pisses me off didn't work he was sooo bummed elmo sick. Cute. OK Bye

Tuesday, June 10, 2003

Vivid Dreams

OK a side effect of the patches is these vivid dreams and unable to rest or sleep. Well I've never been able to sleep well at night but the dreams I have now are crazy. Wonder why anyone would quit something because of the dreams another lady told me it's cuz the dreams are so vivid and real it's nutty. OK YES i do get it now cuz of the vivid dreams at night I have a ton of dreams and i can't pinpoint if something are real or not.. specially when it comes to people in my dreams..

For Example: Say i dream about somebody and were arguing or doing something but they're really upset with me and I them. OK so you wake you go about your day and that lingering effect of hurt n sadness clings on and you remember the reason and the dreams are like reality and you really think that thing or feelings are true. LMAO ok so like i'm not crazy enough sometimes now I'm wondering my own thoughts. Fact or Fiction? OK I could solve the whole problem and just take the patch off b4 I go to bed right. Yeah.. But have to replace in the morning after your shower. Can't shower with them on.. Well darnit I don't shower till 1 and like 230 on days I work. And used to take lots of baths at night but can't afford to buy 2 patches a day. So If i was to take it off at night.. I'd be without from then till 3 the next day. Not on this high dose do I want to try that maybe when i go down to the next step.

So i'm just pondering on this one feeling and if it's real or not now. It's like say someone says this.. i figure it's in a dream: Amy I'm soooo upset you don't call. OK so that's an example. And say in the dream me and person talking and dreams get crazy. OK so yeah a dream.. BUT my mind like picks out that one phrase or phrases n thoughts and will place them into real things .. OK so I'll be like Did they say they were upset i didn't call that last time we talked??? Maybe.. yeah I think they did.. but in all reality it was just the dream LMAO. OK Bye Gotta make some lunch I'm nutty LOL

Say Cheese

What's up with June bugs.. what good can they be? Just about the worst flying bug for me.. they are hard and big and flying and the buzzing drives me insane and when they crawl on the patio screen I looked at their body and OMG yuckier than I ever thought big n juicy like under that thick upper shell.> YUCK. I can't hardly enjoy the windows open when I hear them banging round. Creepin me out 2nite.. but sooo nice outside! Beautiful.. sopose to get stormy but didn't :) At least not yet and I don't think it will.

Hadda long ass 1st day off. Got up super early to make some phone calls then got kids up n ready to go to wtrntown a photographer was at Walmart ya know those cheep pictures you can get of your kids then they take 100 more and the package is like $3.88 and I got too and you get 122 pictures.. so i'll have 244 but you know all those extra pictures they take that are 100 times more cute.. they try to sell you and you walk out spending a couple hundred easy.. at least I do.. and by the time I wasted driving over there and back to get them and oK the part that really pissed me off is I get there with the kids at 1130.. I sign up they say will be an hour. OK we'll go eat.. shop a bit I get back round 1245.. OK at 215 we finally got in. 3 FRICKIN hours.. of waiting in line.. well about an hour and 1/2 that I actually stood and waiting.. but pushing kids around to satisfy them. I don't get it there was maybe 12 people b4 me when i signed up I don't even think that may.. And took about 10 mintues for both my kids to get theirs taken.. and 2 packages.. how the hell.. but OMG some of the parents n mothers waiting in line there. 2 hadda been wanked out on drugs throwing their kids around n beating on them and yelling constantly I couldn't stand it.. I was getting sick to my stomach and disgusted and felt so bad for the little kids n both the mom's were young but OMG nasty.. and swearing n spaz-ing out.. acting totally stupid.. and would smile n laught and I just wanted to puke n was sooo disgusted. Poor kids I just can't take that. So anyways after the 3 hour wait and 2 hours driving time and hundred plus i'll spend I'd have been a million times better off paying a professional personal photographer I think. Never again.. and a reason I have never taken my kids to there b4.. but thought WTH i'll try it. Just eats at me those other mom's all night so sickening I can still hear that one yelling dylan at her son over n over and he was a turkey.. but she was too and would yell at him and threaten to beat him and pick him up and pinched him really hard and he'd be screaming OMG i couldn't take it.. I still can't .. off that subject.

So the older girls bought shoes.. and shoes and shoes.. well my one duaghter did I think cuz P was.. and A just got one pair while P got 3 now.. and she was short $12 I borrowed her and already paid them for paperoute a week in advance and now she has no more money and really needed a swim-suit. I told her I didn't think nessesary to buy another pair.. let alone 2 more and how much she needs new swimsuit she should look for one of those.. (Her other suit doesn't fit at all) Anyways I would've bought her a suit but when spending money so stupidly on stupid shoes that all 3 pairs look the same almost.. big giant heals kinda hookerish.. LOL for a 12 year old but maybe not.. but I can see one pair but 3 and now broke and whinning about a suit.. we'll she'll just have to wait now.. I gave them both money to get things they need/want and she choose shoes.. guess she can just walk round in her 4 inch heals while the rest of us are splashing in the pool. LOL.. I'm not mean am I? Naaa just trying to make point or realization that some things are more nessesary than others and money doesn't fall off any of my trees.. for that. Besides that hadda lot of fun today. LOL.. Kids were soooo good waiting in line for that long I was so proud of them and so polite and quiet and nice. :) Huggies..

I went to a mary kay party to get my feet done n toes 2nite from 7-830. MMmm smells so nummy and sooo soft n pretty.. Of course I just spent $40 last weekend on that stupid eye shadow she sold me now I ordered a ton of feet spa salts n lotions n smelly stuff n body mist LOL.... But ya know what I spent isn't at all what I'd spend a week on smoking.. sooooo might as well spend it on something that makes me smell great and soft n smooth rather than stinky n yuckie right? Gotta treat myself ! YEAH over 2 weeks no smokes!

I had plans for after the party but didn't go thru darnit anyways. Baking a cake right now a white supreme moist cake. I'll let it cool and whip up some frosting tomorrow and get out my decorating set and make Z's bday cake. Having his party tomorrow night :) I had to work last week on his real bday so party time tommorrow night. Doing the grill out party n cake n ice creamy thing with presents at the park. Hopefully it will be nice looks like it will be! K i gotta go i'll be back

Monday, June 09, 2003

Feeling Bad for Feeling

Long weekend:) Started out Good n ending OK.. but just a bit disturbed. Hubs came out last night to work n ate with me and we had few drinks came home played some cards n finally got to bed round 4ish.. he was teasin me a lot but i kinda got pissy cuz would rather he not tease n make me think bad things and instead be nice n let me know i'm going to get it.. I don't know silly whatever but anyways was nice night with him n when I feel asleep I was happy as I almost always am.. but did feel a bit bad 2day for hubs cuz i get stupid sometimes. Long story n silly ways I act sometimes or think or want.

Friday nite went up the hill again had a few n a bomfire again so nice outside.. but people up there were upset n fighting and crying.. added alchol never helps situations like that and the one has such a problem with it. Sad.. I have lots of thoughts on all that but can't go there right now for my ride home 2nite was filled with the horror and thoughts of other things n times n situations people have been in that are so abusive and I get to thinking about my past n remembering how weak I once was... and frightens me and then i slap myself and think OMG.. look now and how so totally opposite I am now. And I mean totally opposite from then... And a million times for the better of course. Anyways I'm not going there about them 2nite .. can't.

Another topic did arise that night that I'm feeling like shit about. I am glad things were said and more glad another started the topic cuz they said things I hadn't been able to clarify or say as well. Thanks .. and anyways so T is pretty upset someone said at me and won't be talking to me for a month.. and if they were to see me now they'd say things to me that would make me cry.. and I asked this guy and he said like what stories.. and he's like No he'd tell you off so you'd be in tears. My heart sank.. I wasn't going to talk about it with anyone but glad I did.. and I thought about calling them but if I said R said you were upset not going to see me he'd be like That damn R.. as he always does n going to kick his ass and same thing as always so whatever sometimes i wonder if anyone says any truth to anything round there? But anyways I'm like why's he so mad just general asking and he's like you know and he's feeling used.

OK so yes I feel bad.. but at the same time it's confusing. So I'm married always been i never bad mouth hubs nor make any attempt to lead on we have bad relationship. And although I've known for a bit that T's thoughts have been more intense then I felt comfy with.. even more so i posted about it just the other day b4 all this. And i used to think it's just him and yes I still do believe that but at the same time I know it's more now too and I think being a better friend in the long run and hopefully when he looks back he'll realize what's said is done out of concern/friendship more. I tried so hard to help him to believe understand that after he got so upset saying me and him are pawns but he can't compare me to him either cuz i am not at all where he is with thoughts/feelings... And like him always saying run away with me and I always laugh it off cuz he's always saying corny stuff n nicey nice.. but spills his guts to me about feelings for me and another that are so outta reach for him.. yeah it's kinda sad. But he's like All i think about is you and i want to come over n promise this n that n when I ask you to go away with me I so mean it.. and blah blah.. n it's always too much for me.. always has been and soooooo much why I have never been comfy with this guy.

Of course I care about him I care about everyone.. but I don't think I say things to lead people on I'm always sincere with my comments and feelings.. and so hope I didn't.. but sure I could've I guess.. in some ways.. but in that way I'd think that's just known.. nothing more but what it was I'm happily married.. sopose there is a big difference. I remember when I was single n out n on the town n just happy with what I could get whenever I could get it.. being a woman of course that's pretty much whenever I wanted to.. omg off subject sorry.

I know a few weeks ago when we were alone I had that converstation with him and thought he understood n I was very blunt n he agreed and said understood. OK whatever I'm am feeling bad though cuz I don't want him to be hurt by it all but if he is it's something I can't worry about or try to envolve myself in any further.. it wouldn't be healthy or nice for him.. Plus I'm having many doubt about the whole thing.. N makes me more nervous cuz you just know deep down he's talked to another about it all.. or i think so or pretty sure but won't ask of course.. but what if the days comes he does knock on my door like he said wants to... and confronts me n hubs I will just die.

Then all the other things he was saying that upset me that night are kinda in the shadows yet.. haunting me. Do you think there is any truth to anything he said. I hope not cuz then i would be hurt n upset. Can't help but think about it a little.. then I always think people may say things to bring another down cuz they are.. so maybe his words were meant to hurt me or make me think and feel bad cuz they were feeling that way. I don't know confused about all my relationships with people now. I don't know I probably deserve all this huh.. I am a bad friend and person. I feel pretty shitty now I know they are... I am going to go.. gotta lot to sort out about the other people now in my mind.. but not going to write anymore at least for the night. I'm upset I'm questioning others now. I don't want to feel bad about that or think that it's that way with them also with me. Cuz I'd be hurt then but not making any sense cuz it's no different yet i'm so confused oh well whatever.

I am sick of being negative:) Lets focus on the happy things that have happened this past week.
My Step-daughter are up for the summer
My Baby turned 2 last week
I had fun week working full week!
Hubs shaved n looks funny but kinda sexy
My house is still clean
As of Now it's been over 2 weeks since I've had a smoke! YEAH

Ohhh so hard even when writing happy things every pause in my mind is filled in with that bad feelings/thoughts. What to do.. what to think. What should I do to feel better? Not smoke.. not eat.. sleep.. noo i got it.. i have 2 bottles of wine in the fridge I'm going to fill up the tub n have a glass of wine .. lite some candles n bubbles n soak.. n breathe n think in with the good out with the bad. :) :) Smile.. I havn't been able to smile all day for real.. sucks.. I want to and try to and when I do it' makes me laugh but a second later it's a frown. Yeah you can't be happy all the time I know.. for if it wasn't for sad there'd be no difference nor no happy. No one'd known happy without sad. OMG i am going silly... Off to soak i'll be back. J if your reading this write me happyness.. please:?? lol K bye