Writing about my life and things in it and what I think

Friday, June 06, 2003

Bad At Bloggin

I just can't blog for anything these days.. not that I don't want to or have a ton to write about just bombed with things to do when I sit down at my desk and by the time I'm done with those It's time to get off n do other things. Maybe it's that I quit smoking now I don't find sitting at the desk relaxing where I used to sit smoke n write creativly and now I am antsy and figetty and still kinda scattered in my thoughts almost like I can't concentrate or remember things correctly. Books say normal side-effect and a main thing of the withdrawl process but kinda sucks. Oh well I'm just thrilled it's been over 10 days now and I havn't had a puff! YEAH Kinda sad for a co-worker who tried to quit too same day as me made it til yesterday but then said to hell with it and started up again. Oh well I told her great of her to just try and takes a lot.. and to not give up or beat yourself up.. someday! Gotta really want it I know n takes a lot of mental strength too I believe at least for me it did/does.

Anyways. What's new here. So last night I get invited up to my bosses place. Felt a bit funny as I felt she wasn't into me being there as much as I'd have liked as I felt would make me more comfy cuz kinda makes me nervous yet although he reassures me it's all Great. So then I think Oh yeah.. silly me just be myself yet it's still a little nervous to me.. but at the same time was thrilling all at the same time which intensifies it even more. And thinking back like 2nite OMG.. whoaa baby. yee hawww.. yippiee yeah! LOL... So T this friend of mine calls me like 3 times last night to come over n all missing me on the phone and wants to run out n get me all these things so I'd come by. I'm like you don't need to buy my friendship your cool n just love to be friends n would really rather you didn't... cuz I'd be your friend regardless or whatever.. and he's like pouty the 3rd time like well fine then you just don't want to come over n I'm like well not when you act like that. I didn't say that but him implying i didn't care .. was totally wrong cuz I do.. think he has some to drink also probably. But all funky on the phone with me. OK last time he called I got outta it all cuz I got to pass the phone around.

Then 2nite he calls 2 times again. 1st to say he was sorry as he always tends to appologize.. and I'm always like it's OK really.. no biggy on anything then has to warn me his cousin is full of stories yesterday n how pissed he is at him.. OK sooo... then he's like all he can think about it me. OK Whatever.. Don't go there.. although you gotta know this guy is always saying that to everyone just his way i think.. n used to make me uncomfortable then it didn't but still sometimes kinda does. So after 2 min I gotta go.. Then B4 I close up 2nite he calls again. Hey I'm going crazy here I need to see you I feel like your mad at me??? HUH now where the hell did that come from??? I reassure him NO... thinking I will be if you don't quit.. LOL nooo but said No not at all.. and he's like he I can't stop thinking about you.. please tell me a bedtime story so I can go to sleep. Huh??? I always try to laugh it off. Then he's like all I can think about is you and I don't know what's wrong or going on. OK it's just T and that's normal but to call me 10 times in 2 days n we talked a couple times earlier this week n nothing major until 2nite seems funny then he's like Can I meet you b4 work to talk quick.. don't understand the urgency but said yeah he'll see me at 415ish waiting in line to get in to where i work till i'm there.. lol whatever OK T. Yeah it's just silly.

Then I try to analize our relationship. I analize everything too much. I analized to death my feelings thoughts with my other friend and just when I have it figured out I don't.. but pretty sure now 99% sure of all that. So that's a dead subject at least for the night. So what about T? Hummm Maybe it's him and I have shared things n I find confiding in him so nice. He's almost a teddy bear type.. where you need a real friend/shoulder to cry on you could call him up or pop by his house and he'd be all out for you.. I'd do same for him of course.. any of my friends.. but he's so sincere n i believe intentions are truely friends n nice to really feel and know that... so unlike with others. Makes me feel good when I'm down.. like my pep talker.. find myself calling him whenever I'm upset n even 2nite driving home I felt bad about earlier converstation n like I should've called him back.. Then it hits me.. his comments on how he can't clear him mind of my thoughts.. and can't sleep cuz needed to hear my voice n how he just wanted me to tuck him in. Hummm ...

Can't say I think any of that.. but do know whenever I'm down or stuck on something bad in my life or with my thoughts I can talk to him.. cuddle up n that teddy bear huggy n feel a million times better. It's nice having friends like that isn't it. And ya know he'd never really hurt you or put you in a sticky situation specially with me being married you could really trust him I think even being opposite sex. Always respectful of that. :) Wow just thinking don't think i've analized him this way b4. And I just love the friendship attention he adds to our relationship. Like when were all out.. he's always coming over and saying How are you.. or do you need anything or like when he calls he's always like How are you.. and seems so sincere and seems to almost always know when somethings bothering me .. maybe it's just nice feeling like someone out there notices n even if they don't care that much they act like it and that makes ya feel better just thinking that. LOL.

Whatever just left me feeling werid 2nite when I hung up I've just been having this guilty feeling all week over him. Maybe it was after I jumped in his truck last weekend n he was all nicey n don't leave.. and when I got out he just laid there saying tummy hurt and didn't want to go with us really till we talked him into it for like 10 minutes.. got the feeling then he didn't want to .. then in the room alone later when was just him and i together i stopped it and made up some excuse and his comment was I just wanted to be with you.. OK so guys specially drunk say things they might normally not say and for his case he's always saying things like that to everyone but then ya gotta wonder how about the times he really means it... how would you be able to tell the difference.??? Whatever LOL just know tomorrow when we talk I'm going to ask and he's going to say exactly what I know he'll say and I will never know LOL.. and really do I care.. no but kinda.. cuz I like him as a friend and don't want him feeling more cuz would ruin that .. but I'd hate to lose that closeness we have too.. or the way i feel i can talk to him.. and so understanding and seems so concerned. Too bad he can't find a nice gal.. but think he gets too nervous. There is like 2 sides to him too.. is there 2 sides to everyone? I know there is for me.

Ok so my plan of thought is to probably go along with him when he wants to get together tomorrow nite and talk n hang out.. i'd like to do that enjoy that with him he's fun n doesn''t ignore me or leave me hanging alone if I am. And as far as this talk he wants to have with me and the things he's been saying alone to me I'll just let him talk. And just go wtih the flow... I have no plan nor do I really know what the hell is going on anyways.. do I care.. yeah as a friend of course.

Why am I going on about this.. at least I'm talking again about something.. T is cool.. and a good friend.. n I think i find myself longing for his friendship cuz of the way he makes me feel inside. So then that just blows all that other shit outta the water.. about how we don't have a mental thing going 2gether at all cuz we really do more then ever.. sopose that scares me.. yeap that's it.. and why it'll be good to talk. I wonder if I'll ever figure me out?

So it was my baby's 2nd bday today. So cute.. so huggy n lovey today..and I cuddled up on him with all the time we had together singing n playing all morning.. and making him his fav food. He doesn't realize it as any other day but I still will and after i got off work went in and threw 100 more kisses at him. Hubs was in bed i had called him on the cell on my way home and we got into a tissy about something stupid and I said I wasn't coming home then.. and he's like well where will you go.. and I'm like I'll just Ummmm I'll just cruise around LMAO.. i was a baby yeah.. so anyways he's like come home silly woman.. we'll talk then hate to talk over the phone. So I pout a bit OK i guess I'll come home. So i get there n kinda ignore him pouty like yet.. Why i act this way I don't know cuz I was upset cuz he was whinning so tired as always.. but I always tell myself I won't beg or whine about no sex so I just put my PJ's on and went out to the couch n flipped channels. He actually got outta bed n came and kneeled beside me and was kissin my legs n rubbin me and asking about my day and night and was soo sweet. Ohhhhh and tells me all the good stuff and takes me to bed.. blah blah... ya know but anyways was sweet. What a honey. Although he may not be a very observant hubby or understanding he sure can be romantic just when I need it.. even if it isn't just sex.. when he's given the chance he can really shine with me... and we match up so well.. n smiled so cute. :) Gotta just kick myself somedays. Just wish he was like that every time we are together... so nice when it's just me and him and nothing else to worry about.. we talk n giggle n get along so great.. then other times it's like we knit pick at everything or I pick it to push him away. Dumb. Hummm OK enough of my endless disscussions on men for the night LOL just sooo fun to sort out n re-read n realize what i wrote 10 minutes ago I feel totally different about now.. but will post anyways cuz wth.. it's just my thoughts as I think them.. and regardless if they are the truth of my feelings they obviously were at that moment in time. Change is good isn't it? K gotta go

Wednesday, June 04, 2003

My Day

Long Day... didn't accomplish much of anything but that's OK I guess.. just having fun with the kids then 2nite hubs n I headed out to grocery shop together n OMG remind me to never go with him again it takes 3 times longer cuz he's like reading lables n looking at ounces n prices n going Ohhh this looks good n that looks good Guess it's kinda funny now but at the time I'm like We've been in the grocery store for an hour and 1/2 now... where if I was alone I'd have been in and out in 20 minutes.. LOL Crazy... Hit Walmart did the diaper thing n picked up a Elmo for My Baby's b-day this thursday... so hard to believe he is going to be 2 years old already.. He's such a honey I love him sooo much and such a cuddle baby.. sure he's spoiled to death.

Seen the cuties strawberry shortcake stuff and care bears out again in the stores the last few times and OMG i want to buy them all for my daughter LOL .. like they play with any of the toys they do have.. NOT but do admit the sandbox was the best idea yet they spend 1/2 the day diggin for treasure n Z likes his tonka trucks n shovels.. Today they were out there proably 2 hours and only had one fight I was so proud of them playing together so well! Cute.. Girls didn't do anything much slept in till noon when I called "dinner's done" they finally got up then layed round till 2 when my cousins came over n took them to wtrtwn with them til 5. Hubs took kids to park while I cooked supper n then we headed out round 8...

1/2 way there hubs gets headache and an ear ache.. so he was kinda crabby.. Got home at 11 n he's like I'm sooo tired, can U pack my lunch n walk the dog while i shower so you can tuck me in good.. so I do all that and come back in and he's like my head still hurts I'm just soo tired so I've been without at all for like 3 days pissy a bit?? Yes I am.. but not as much as I used to get I think this zyban anti-depressant I'm on makes me mellow-yellow all the way around.. cuz again it's like Ohhhh Yeahhh Man.. reggie style.. and nope havn't had a smoke yet nor a puff nor a drag nor do I ever want one... I havn't even had the urge at all my 2 days off! YEAH for me again! OK I'm horney now.. gotta get up n do something

Tuesday, June 03, 2003

Scared Again

So 2nite the girls want to rent a movie great OK thinking fun.. but they are soo into scarey movies n so we go to the store and they beg to rent "the Ring" OMG i think not again.. hate that movies scares me to death.. so OK i give in.. we watch n after they're like will you sleep with us n all scared n loving it i think and I'm freaky still.. that movie is bad for some reason for me... cuz really scares me. Finally got them tucked in and minds off it I think.. but wish someone was up to help me get over my - hebbie-jeebies :)

Made shis-ka-bobs 2nite for supper on the grill my all time favorite grilling thing.. I think I'm grilling BBQ Chix on the grill tomorrow night. I'm still coughing a lot n makes my throat scratchy... normal they say you cough alot after you quit smoking.. feels like I'm coughing up my lungs sometimes... and makes me not feel so hot today.. It was a cooler cloudy day 2day so stayed in most the day went out with kids a bit here n there.. the girls didn't get up n do much till noon then watched TV most the day they looked really bored but when i asked if wanted to do anything they were like Noo and I asked if room picked up cuz they had stuff everywhere and they're like Nooo and I said well why not go pick up b4 supper n I go get them for supper and they're like sleeping LOL.. Oh well.. Hubs home all night but can't say they did anything nor him but watch TV all night. I went with my cousins for a 1/2 hour crusin in their new car it's a 5 speed n i havn't drove one for 8 years probably so they let me drive n it was funny n nice to get out a little bit.

I have a ton to do tomorrow 1st off pay taxes I think I forgot to pay last month??? Hummm omg i'm not sure but thinking I forgot and stupid only like $48 or something I had better call in the morning cuz at like 8 2nite I'm sitting and I think hey did i ever pay taxes this year??? And I'm like OMG i don't think so.. can't find a check that I did so OMG Opps don't think I did.. have never done that b4 . Hubs still didn't come up n talk to me about anything at all 2nite and I didn't even really care 2nite.. somenight I give up on thinking he'll approch me b4 i have to say something or get upset about it.. figure i've givin him n told him flat out for the past 3 weeks and not once has he came up to me about anything so whatever... I was pissy last night about it with myself n him and just didn't want to think about it or start it and ruin my night plus of course like I knew he was soo tired by 9.. I just said go to bed n get good night sleep.. :( :( :( But Tomorrow night now he'll have no excuse but to not do me right tomorrow night.. or else. hehe OK I'm off to slut round on the sims J/K.. but no i'm off to make some money cuz I want to open my own business.. and plus have a date at 1 to go clubbin.. heheh funny.. k bye

Monday, June 02, 2003

Over A Week

Just hadda log to myself that it's been OVER a week now since I've smoked that last cigarette! YEAH i'm doing it. I don't know what I'm doing today.. it's kinda colder n rainy all morning and the little ones are just wild.. and having fun. Girls were up now one's back alseep the other is putting 24 pony tails in her hair :) Cute OK just writing quickie Bye

kinda upsetty or feeling bad

Worked 2nite was funny had some really funny people up at the bar 2nite so was great! I'm in great mood or was for most part.. coming home wasn't so fun again. Went up the hill after work for a lil fire n roasted some marshmellows Mmmm my favorite n smells so nummy n so nice outside just loved it reminded me of when i was lots younger n as a kid stayed at the lake cabin with the bom-fires n camping.. how fun. Anyways I get home hubs n girls still up til 1am.. telling hubs what r u doing you have to be up in 4 hours n he's so crabby the next day/night when he's tired.. n it's my night off should really get some zzz's n girls are like wanna watch a movie with us.. I'm like it's 1am.. no way but didn't want to be bitchy so explained as nice as I could that after midnight and not a weekend nor a special night kids should be in bed and it's adult time.. specially after midnight but free to watch TV in their rooms n do whatever read or something. Just when I get home from work last thing I want to do is entertain.. but more relax which I totally wasn't just walking in seeing the house in total disarray n a mess n kids still up n hubs bitching he stil hadda pack his lunch n bring the dog in n take out the garbage.

Just didn't start my night out well then round 2 I say so what'd you do all night.. note: very nicely.. anyways he states nothing much just talking last couple hours which is good.. said he told the girls that I'm not their real mom n he's there real dad n can't expect me to do everything they want all the time as she (me) has responsibility to take care of the little ones which are a lot of work too so they need to not rely so much on mom (me) to do things constantly with them n try to find things to do themselves as well n named off 10-12 things.. but i think OMG you really say something like that i felt like he was telling them I didn't want to do anything with them.. but after an hour now n time to think it was probably a good thing.

I get overwhelmed.. yes i do when I think about all my household chores n speical time with the kids n reading n coloring n playing n going to the park n all that stuff n my time I keep soo busy.. but doesn't mean i don't/won't have time for them.. I will and plan on doing lots of things with them.. but hopefully they understand it isn't that i'm not going to .. but that they can't just follow me from room to room asking me to do this or that all day long like A did today.. I mean one time she followed me into the bathroom i hadda ask her to leave cuz i hadda go.. and she's like OK i'll wait outside.. and when making dinner standing there just watching and I say would you like to help.. she says NO. and just flatly says no then stands and watches more.. and I say can you hand me something cuz she's always standing in the way.. and she just moves. LOL silly I don't know.. then when I'm getting ready for work she's watching n just stares LOL and watches... n talks about her boyfriend n talks to me about how he's 17 n pierced her belly button and she just turned 13 in april and I personally thing that is totally wrong and I'm not going there cuz upsets me SOOO much.. but anyways going on and on about her cell phone he bought her and talking to me like I'm a friend n don't care but do n when I say something she's like well so n so is better then me. LOL It's hard.. her life-style n entire life is lived so different then the way I was raised or the way I run my home.. it's hard we clash but sure just as hard for her as it is on me and the other kids.. just trying to make do as happily for everyone as I can... but the constant can we watch a movie.. mom.. can we stamp cards.. can we make braclets.. can we make cookies.. and it's like an hour b4 i have to work.. makes me feel bad i have to say no.. and would love to n when I explain the time n that i just can't the one will say well I'm bored this is no fun and she pouts like she knows i feel bad already n tries to make me feel worse.. and I explain again how sorry i am but not possible n more pouting like I'm going to give in.. .. then the when are we going shopping i need a new swimsuit. when can we go to the store i want a Mt Dew, or Why don't you have any chips.. or at my house we do this.. or at my house my mom.. I just say Ohhh that's nice.. and i know she's trying to make me feel bad and I just say Ohhh that's great so glad you enjoy that but at our house we eat healthy how about some grapes or an apple.. veggies n dip?? LOL .. it's testy.. that's for sure.. I just smile and when she bitches I just say Ohhhh I'm sorry you feel that way..

It's just really stressful on me right now n hubs and mine relationship has been so shaky for the past 3 weeks.. There is a bunch, dear diary i havn't even told you that has been going on in my head.. but anyways.. i have expressed the need for him and me to spend quality time.. talking n stuff n spilled my guts about some feelings n it's like he's totally disregarded everything i said.. n never brings it up again.. it makes me feel more like he doesn't care a bit.. I feel like when I spill my guts personally to someone.. so much that I'm emotionally broke down and in tears it's damn important.. I've only cried in front of him 3 times i think in all our time together.. and this thing and things and feelings are sooo breaking me down n I ask for his help n it's like he doesn't know what to do maybe or what? I think he doesn't take me seriously or I don't know maybe he's dumb n honestly dosen't get it... Ohhh i wonder if I'll ever find anyone that will understand me or fullfill that piece of me that's missing and needs guidence n compassion .. wish so much for it to be him... yet i find it depressing me more when it isn't.. ..

and 2nite i was upset all last week just me n him n little ones n he never stayed up late for me to do anything with me.. and by that I mainly mean sex I think.. well not only that but something more intimate.. just me n him and you'd think we could finally spend some time 2gether n lay round watch a movie.. do things.. n nothing.. then 2nite i get home n he's up and after getting everything done he's like I am soo tired n going to be sooo tired tomorrow night.. and I'm like well why did you stay up so late.. wasn't important .. n I'm like well since your up and he's like I'm soo tired now.. and says I'm just going to bed.. I am thinking Oh yeah.. your going to bed tired now I'm home and I say.. and tomorrow night you'll be super tired n I won't get time to talk to you then really either and all last week/weekend i've said we need to sit down talk about a few things.. and he's like Yeah i'll be tired.. and I get pissy like Yeah we won't have any intimate time tomorrow either I know it.. in my head he'll whine he's tired n I'll be pissy.. cuz it's not like I expect just the sex.. well yeah maybe.. but seems like he has no time for me.. and when has time it's doing his things.. n if he'd just set aside 14 mintues a night for me I'd be happy... shit 5 minutes a night.. just sit down alone with me.. n really talk... not how's the weather.. or how' was your night.. shitty small talk.. is all we do anymore.. I look forward to going to work just to talk to a real adult.. even if it's about farming or fishing.. Think it hurts more cuz it's like he's sopose to be my hubs n more n more like a pillow or something.

Then he's like can I get a hug.. well WTF?? A HUG.. I can hug a pillow or the cat.. you can hug the cat I can hug 100 things/people doens't mean a thing.. A hug.. then he's like How about a kiss goodnight.. well I can kiss anyone/thing goodnight too the way he kisses.. peck on the forehead or cheek. LOL.. I was such a baby bout it but pissed me off. He knows how bitchy I can get when I'm not getting it.. nooo it's more when I'm not getting my attention from my hubby.. that's personal and intimate and something I can't do with anyone else.. I mean all the other things I can do with anyone else.. but that's something that makes me feel good n close to him n whatever maybe it's different for him i don't know what's wrong with me but I was pissy n i hate being pissy... I just wanna be happy n i've not been happy for awhile.. n i pretend to be but said that's IT.. from now on on my 2 frickin nights off it you can't set aside 10 mintues for me.. forget it.. 10 mintues just sit down alone quiet.. no inturruptions n talk to me.... with me.. and at 1st it'll be nothing much but hopefully time will get us back to where I feel comfortable with him and talking to him again cuz right now I don't want to tell him anything personal for fear he doesn't respond or care right now feeling anyways.... So that building the trust openness up again takes a long time for me.. and I've lost that with a close friend recently now too and it sucks.. bad.. and he's like OK yes 10 mintues a night.. Then he's in bed and I'm like OMG i have to beg for frickin `10 minutes a night of alone time with my own husband.. stupid.. then I say you know why i stay up all night n never go to bed with you.. cuz I hate going to bed n have you roll over n say night like you could care less if I'm there or not.. i'd rather stay up forever n go to bed alone by my choice than feel that alone right next to you... He doesn't get it.. Why am i talking like this??? Don't ya just love my personal conflicts.. am I crazy? Naaa just working it out.. in my head

I'm so dumb to be up this late n talking really crazy I'm sure just writing again whatever comes to mind. Going to get up early with the little ones b4 the girls n make a nummy breakfast for them.. I think it's sopose to rain all day so a good craft day which I know they both love to do... I'll let them pick whatever n when the little ones nap we can do that together then hit movie store n rent a movie to watch.. I have Hot Chick to watch my cousins borrowed me.. looks funny. OK nitey nite I'm smiling cuz I havn't smoked in over 7 days now! YEAH ME.. never thought i could really do it and I am:) well yeah i did.. but had a lot of doubt specially with the way my life has been going... not my whole life just parts of it.. I'm 90% happy all the time.. but that other 10% is really bad.. ok LOL whatever i'm silly K Nite

Sunday, June 01, 2003


What to write... I have a lot in my mind but just no words come out. Disturbed I think. I think the withdrawl symptoms have something to do with the fact I feel I can't concentrate or maybe it's the med's. I just feel edgy like standing on an edge wondering if I should jump into something or not. It is so hard for me to bite my toungue n keep hush hush on somethings but must in some cases. N my journal has always been my escape plan and to write thru what I feel to figure it all out. Oh well...

OK back to more fun thoughts.. My step-daughters are here now for a part of the summer. They are 12 n 13. Their lifestyles n living is so opposite of the way I was raised or run my home so it's hard at times on all of us. I am not going to try to write about that at all cuz that alone would be a novel.. Got home from work early last night was probably good.. girls were up watching TV Hubs n I played cards.. kings corner I don't know if we were playing it right been a long time. But was fun we had chips n he won.. we were playing for favor's.. I spent the next 1/2 hour paying up doing things for him.. but was fun :)

I am feeling sooo funky... Hubs n girls gone to the store n lil ones nappin I should go do something alone by myself to help that then take a long hot bath.. and soak with lotsa bubbles.. Funny just looked at some stats n i've had like 10 hits on gnat bites today.. I must not be alone with the awful lil buggy bites..