Writing about my life and things in it and what I think

Saturday, May 31, 2003


Ewwww not feeling so hot at all this morning.. ohmiagwad feeling I drank some last night n didn't have a smoke:) Yeah think I've accomplished all the major things in my past that I associated smoking with n passed.. cept for the biggy of a fight.. hubs n I havn't really gotten into it where I wanna say FIt n run out n buy a pack which I hope I never do. Naaa I won't. Hubs n I seldom ever fight anyways were pretty boring sometime actually cuz he's just too nice n too agreeing LOL.. but was proud of myself for that but then other things I did I'm think oh Oh today like I think OMG I was doing something outside the bar up the hill when I know it was night but isn't that dark there n i'm on my knees n 2day thinking wonder what they thought inside cuz gotta think someone seen it n thought WTH???? LOL anyways.. I get home hubs is up I peek in n he's like BOO and I'm like ohhh crap. I say "Sorry home so late but thinking of you and so gonna die if I can't have ya n sooooo want ya in all the naughty ways.. n did a lil dance n a little touchin n doing a lil role playing which was funny now.. but made him happy I hope n he got it in everywhich way then got up at 515 n left to go pick up his daughters it's about a 9 hour round trip drive. I'm left laying alone thinking hummm wonder if anyone's mad at me for last night? I hope not I don't want anything but to make him smile in the worst way. Back to the thoughts I had 6 weeks ago that I did so good at for so long :)

DELETED.. sorry for those that got to read it I just hadda come back n delete after I thought more on it. Sometimes I write crazy n just write whatever spits outta my mind. No thinking involved just close my eyes n whatever I think I just write.. I probably said too much yet just can't help it that I like them n the un-wanting of another and i've been thru that 100 times so no use going there again. Plus I went places I should not have gone.. with my feelings.. So bye bye post

Friday, May 30, 2003

Day 4 n More

I seen a cig today all alone by myself.. didn't 'expect to see it n when I did it scared me a lot.. I grasped onto it and bent it up in 100 pieces LOL.. was funny like something real that jumps out n scares ya.. but it's just a cigarette.. but I sooo never want to lose controll over myself like that again so anyways was funny.. n antsy about going to work and seeing/smelling smoke for the 1st time since I smoked.. since work was a big place where people smoke.. n after work enjoyed the sitting down n having a smoke. Found my hands wondering from time to time but can't say I have any bad urges or feel anything but a bit shaky n dizzy from time to time i think it's the habit part that has been most hard. But over all i'd say it's not hard at all! N I think OMG why didn't I do all this years ago... oh well

Trained in a new bartender tonight at work.. she'll do just fine I'm sure showed her all I know:) Hands on is always best too but good to feel prepared too I know. Hubs called in sick 2day for work.. just layed around n slept n moaned had a sore throat.. all I could think was yeah.. that's how my cold started out n a week later I'm still coughin n blowing my noise.. always starts with that sore throat.. I think it was just that he forgot to turn on his alarm and he woke up at 545 n jumps outta bed Oh shit i have 15 min to be at my station.. hummm then 5 min later comes in I feel like crap.. funny he did sleep all day suprised he was asleep when I got home too since he slept all day he musta needed it.. I tried to wake him up so I could re-tuck him in.. but he was way out talking crazy when I was trying to.. so I left him in peace...

I'm a bit dizzy yet wonder what that's from... weak feeling like my hands are working with my mind n my eyes move slow like when I look around. Had this weird feeling all day n though maybe I took to Zyban's by accident or something cuz I've been so forgetful this week.. then I think maybe it's just these patches burst out different amounts of nicotine at different times throughout the day the highest dose being released 7 hours after I put it on.. maybe that light headedness is that rush of nicotine or something..??? ?? oh well kinda feels funky.. like you almost drugged n really really relaxed.. like you could sit back n just so Hey Man.. n just nod.. n smile.. LOL silly me

I got home let the dog out n sat on the deck.. thinking how awesome it's going to be once i'm over this cold to sit out there n breathe in the fresh air Mmmm the sky is so neat 2nite with the moonlite behind the clouds n stars.. n so nice out.. warm enough to sleep with the windows open.. I could've slept outside I think.. if it wasn't for the June Bugs.. omg I hate those things. OK gotta run bbl maybe

Wednesday, May 28, 2003

Spiderman My Hero

Hadda watch Spiderman again 2nite.. working on a afghan keeping my hands busy crocheting.. helps a lot.. to not smoke. Now it's been 3 whole days.. sopose to non-smokers it sounds stupid.. or like don't understand how hard it has been in my past to quit after smoking 15 years. like 1/2 my life was spent doing this nasty habit. Just taking one day at a time.. n as they continue to grow it makes me excited. I'm even more excited after watching spiderman again... I just wanna re-buy all my old marvel comic books n re-read them all.. i love super hero's. LOL

So starting next week where i work we'll be open more n i'll be picking up an extra night of work. That's cool it's only for 3 months during busy season.. I'm excited a bit not that I havn't enjoyed being home this week.. I have... but ya know.. I called my son in TN today hard to believe he's 1000 miles away from me:( He's having a lot of fun n grandma/pa are showing him all the sites he's haveing a ball... Just he's like yeah mom i know.. when I try to be motherly to him about the big city n stuff like that .. lol.. I am so in the movie mood... let's see I havn't seen O Brother where art thou which a few people told me was great... or road to perdition that i have yet eitehr.. or the 2nd Harry Potter movie. Think I'll wait to watch that one next week when the girls are here.. they loved the 1st one we have also. Plus I'm into the blankie I'm making. Now when I crochet it won't have yuckie smoke smell crocheting into in and have to wash specially 2 times b4 giving it away... I'll be training in new bartender tomorrow night think she's knows how to make drinks already so that's awesome just the basic's of everything else. She'll do fine. :) Will be nice on busy parties to have an extra hand n maybe on those holidays like the 4th I'll be 1st to go or something since sinority rules? LOL doubt that applies in my job but wth fun to dream :) I like my job anyways so never really matters.

Wow what a difference my house is since I quit smoking.. I have been diggin into my cleaning to keep busy n outta things to do.. cept for my junkie computer desk... I just toss everything onto it then clean it like a couple times a month.. hey.. I still know where everything is LOL. Just cuz it looks dis-organized doesn't mean it isn't.. specially for me. OK I'm going to watch another movie while I'm skilling my new sim. Hehe oh yeah still a sim-a-holic.. to funny. OK nite for now

Bug Bites

Wow ever get eat up by gnats? Those little flying bugs I'd rather have 100 bites from misquitos than having these gnat bites. Monday nite when we were out in the garden they were swarming us.. just that time of year for them. But they ate me and my son up.. he had bites everywhere but today there almost gone. But mine.. omg they are welted now even worse than yesterday.. and I don't itch them but this one whole side down my shoulder blade down is one bite after another and today they are more open and bigger then ever.. and hurt omg.. burn n itch i just wanna jump in a bath of rubbin alchol or something.

I must be allergic to gnat bites cuz hubs bites arn't that bad nor any of the little kids... Oh well we bought spray yesterday so when were out and if it's breezy enough they stay away more. only 2 more weeks and they shouldn't be so bad. Read that lilac bushes when they bloom attract gnats.. hummm neighbor lady planted a bunch last year that are blooming good now.. and a few other bushes out where we live.. so maybe that is true. So I think 2 more weeks for those to bloom and maybe they'll all go away. So Browsing round trying to find what to take/do to help the sting I find this site that has step by step pictures of what it looks like biting you EWwww yucky.. but I flipped thru the little booklet and number 12 is of snails mating.. wild.. n the beetles are cute pretty in their pictures..

Note: day 3 of no smokes!!! I didn't go anywhere yesterday thought if I went to the store I may walk by them and want one LOL.. nice n safe here at home with no smokes round. I don't know.. i don't think I'd smoke one anyways but that craving part of the habit is still there.. and lil urges but not that bad I can handle it!

Tuesday, May 27, 2003

Bitch Award

IF there was an award for the biggest bitch of the night award.. I think I would win it. I honestly don't know why I blew but I did.. not that I get violent or stupid but I said some pretty harsh stuff.. things I feel true but the way I said it and how I meant it all to hurt was mean. I'm still being a bitch but geez I know I'm right and I've just gotta learn to hold my toungue sometimes but it's sooo hard at times specially when i know it'll be me picking up the pieces and dealing with the problems that may occur.. Just stressing Although I had that urge to smoke I really didn't... and all i could think was how the hell can I get outta here n just go get drunk and smoke my life away.. And a moment later after a brief shut eye n some deep breathes I go.. nope I'll just clean n not smile nor talk anymore cuz I don't want to argue over it anymore. End of subject.

Whoaaa 1 Day Down

Yeah made it thru my 1st day without a cigarette! My girlfriend in town came by tonight and hubs answered the door and I was coming round the corner and he's like OMG put that out.. and I say Hey and he's like Run ...LMAO.. and she's like OMG shit i forgot she was quiting today..and ran the other way.. funny I am sure.. she felt bad I then went back to door and said I didn't want to sit outside but she could come into my nummy smelling house.. I will admit just smelling the smoke on her was hard... and my head spun a bit.. but told her I'm doing good and we're going for a walk tomorrow night together she promises no smokes! :) Cute..

I thought the worst time would be here sitting at the computer and yeah here and there it's like I look round for my smokes and then like Duh... I'm quitting.. oh yeah.. such a habit for so long it was little things like that all day that bugged me the most.. was nice to be around no one else that smoked either. A few tense moments where I thought OMG i can't do this.. i need one.. but nice I could go Ewww yucky Nooo amy.. and smile Nope!

So 1st day is gone n I'm sitting here with the patch slapped on still. I'm a bit afraid to sleep with it on cuz lots of people said they couldn't and on directions even warns you may experience vivid wild dreams... OMG.. like some of mine arn't bad enough??? But suggests if problems with dreams or sleeping to take off at bedtime and reapply new one at night. Well Guess I'll try it on all night this time... I don't think I put it on right anyways this morning 1/2 alseep.. cuz it's 1/2 off already 2nite after my shower.. probably not getting anything from it anymore anyways..

Well back to my Bday subject just cuz I havn't had a second to be online with so much going on past couple weeks:) These flowers are the ones hubs sent to me on my bday.. with the note to be ready supper's at 530.. so pretty.. So we get in the van and cruise on down to where I work where he's arranged my boss to make me up my favorite steak the filet Mmmm and were sitting there and a knock on the door and it's my bro with his acousitc guitar strums away a love song.. and hubs said hadda invite him down with us cuz he'll be moving far away soon.> OOhhhh sweet I think.. prefect and fun to eat n enjoy with friends. Good meal we all decide to head up to bar on the hill.. for bday drinks.

My bosses n bro and hubs and I all go up.. and When I walk in I see my aunt and cousins and friend from town.. and my great aunt n uncle and the my oldest son J is there .. and I'm like OMG what's going on.. then I look over n see a table full of balloons n food n cake n presents OMG a suprise party for me! WHOA.. I had no clue.. I hoped all week that we'd be able to pick up enough people that night to make a party but didn't expect hubs to put something like that together.. he had help too which was so nice! Wonderful friends :) But was perfect and OMG presents I havn't gotten real Presents for years.. was funny.. didn't expect that either.. but after eating supper n all the snacks n nummy cake n ice cream I was stuffed but had some room for a few more glasses of wine.. n then the shots came and the "Big" drink.. the bar gave me.. whoa..

After all that I was pretty tipsy and son and my grandparents had already left and I so had that I hadda see strippers b4 my 30th Bday cuz something I have never seen/done.. and so wanted to see thunder from down-under.. or chip-n-dales or something but at that point it was my last night to see them b4 mybday was over so me and another girl are like wth.. we'll see girls.. at least that way I can say I've seen strippers and thought it'd be ok to see what goes on there anyways.. who cares.. yeah lets go.. so we round up the boys.. who are like Oh yeah.. ok we'll go duh... but on the way stopped at another small town n hadda drink and then we piled out on the side of the interstate and hadda pea in a ditch.. omg I'm 30 now peaing in a ditch.. was silly... but hadda go.. then...

We get to the strippers and I can't look at 1st OMG.. but thought OK who cares your only 30 once and so I go up n my boss is explaining what to do n it was so funny.. something I don't think I'll forget.. now my goal is to see "Men" strippers b4 I turn 40.. .lol .. j/k .. well maybe not.. Hubs said he'd do it too so that'd be OK.. just gotta make a run-way n lite it up with xmas lites or something hehehe :)

Great Bday anyways.. Was so special to see most all my friends or most the others called that night or the next day with their happy wishes! And I was just thrilled n happy n love them all! :) :) :)

So I've taken 166 pictures with my new camera now! We did a lot today.. got up at 9 n went to wtrntwn mini shoppin for a few things we needed and the little ones all needed new summer clothes and found them lotsa nice outfits so cute!!! We had a picnic at the Zoo and park there with the kids for lunch was so nice out and almost spent the whole day there.. but got home round 4 and dug into the garden. I have it all planted: My chives are in the picture above.. about ready to burst it's seeds again... Probably should pop them off huh?

Here's what I planted: 6 big boy tomato plants.. 2 super sweet cherry tomatos, 8 bell peppers 1 habenero pepper plant, 1 banana pepper plant, and a squash plant n lotsa green beans n carrots n radish's.. I skipped out on the peas and beets this year.. and no potatos.. the strawberries are already blooming and grape vines a climbing.. and the chives I've been eating for a month now.. Oh yeah and 2 rows of white onions.. and my ruhbarb is all up and ready to be picked too.. I gotta do that tomorrow cut clean and freeze some n make some dessert too nummy.

Isn't that a pretty picture.. OK so the last 5 miles b4 town we turn off on the hunt for asparagus again.. which our old spot was cleared already but hubs got out n picked me a bunch of wild purple flowers I cut n put into a vase tonight.. Mmmm smell nummy too. But I stopped over an old wooden bridge and snapped this picture.. how pretty I thought. Fun to capture something you find pretty.. Hubs took pictures of cows on the way home and of some geese all swimming in a pond and a wood duck up in a tree.. :) OK I better get some zzz's but as usual I'm not tired and ya'd think so after all we did and ran today. OK bye

Monday, May 26, 2003

My New Life....

When I awake I pray I'll be smoke free forever.. I will.. omg I hope so... if it doesn't happen this time I think I'll join some retreat lock down for a month or something.. or I don't know.. crazy how controlling smoking can be. I hate it.. hate that I have to think about having one all the time.. awful habit.. my worst. OK enuf of the negiative points of it.. just think how much better my life will be smoke free. I know I have to give up.. change n retrain myself to relax in other ways... the hardest thing I feel will be for me is those moments I feel really stressed.. working in a bar near alchol n smoking.. and alone here at night... the winding down alone part of the day I enjoy so much yet know it's the time I love to smoke the most.. I have a million idea's of things to do 1st n foremost is just going to bed. I still have minor anxiety attacks even now thinking about it.. why I don't know when i should be happy see.. it's that damn controll thing they have over me. Sick huh.

So my new life.. when i awake will be slappin a patch on n enjoying the day hubs has off n with kids. Planting my garden.. n flowers n planters n visiting the cemetarys in town.. And when the urges creep up I'm going to deep breathe.. drink some water .. go for a walk.. close my eyes n think of far away places n visions of relaxing things.. or just go to my room n lock myself in for a bit.. i guess.. I don't know how this is going to go.. i've bet I have thought about quiting a thousand times at least.. every time I lite up I think omg I have to quit.. actually trying to quit in past 15 years.. i'd say truthfully tried n failed 50 times.. a lot.. but none compare to the extent and thought n planning i have giving to this! Yeap I can't wait to wake up refreshed every morning n all day n not wasting time smoking.. I'm a bit stressed talking about it I had better quit. What else is horriable was I stepped outside awhile ago after cleaning my house when I got off work and had my last smoke.. and I'm on the deck sitting thinking omg i like this.. so relaxed.. I don't wanna quit.. but unlike other times I closed my eyes.. and i think that's what ZyBan does.. it helps you to reason.. cuz I right away thought to myself. Yuck just think how nice it will be to sit outside on the deck.. just breathing in n smelling so much better the fresh air.. with clean lungs.. staring at the stars.. Mmmm yes.. and I put it out and didn't fret another second.

Hubs washed our bedding.. and cleaned vaccumed the house n had smelly good candles lite the house smells awesome.. and he threw out all the ashtrays and dug thru the house to make sure no smokes were hidden and I cleaned the bathroom n did 2 loads of laundry already.. but now I"m tired. N content hubs snoring in the recliner.. I have to wake him up.. snuggle time :)

Sunday, May 25, 2003

Another Quick Hi

Hi I just hadda say that at least. Funny how jam packed my days are n nights. Came home last night from one of the craziest nights at work n hubs up waiting to watch spiderman with me! Ohhhhh sweetie.. but I say I'm sick n kinda tired lets flip channels instead.. we flip and find batman n robin n batwoman on.. the one with mr. freeze n poison ivy.. we cuddle up on the couch and watch that and have some awesome sex.

I still feel like shit. It's my sinus' that are plugged and the pressure is the worst. Gotta go deliver some newspapers for my son n pick up some plants for the garden so i guess I better get going... BTW my baby called last night my oldest son he's like 10 hours south of me.. never ever been that far from me in all his 11 years of life... i creid so hard yesterday morning when he left.. but it's a great experience for him I know and at a good age.. and sounded like he was having fun trip down with his uncle! :) :) :) I'm smiley It looks like it's going to be beautiful out today. Going to plant the garden later 2day or tomorrow.. Busy busy bye bye