Writing about my life and things in it and what I think

Saturday, May 03, 2003

Birds Singing way late

When you step outside and the birds are chirpin singing so pretty you know it's late. So some how I got suckered into staying late up the hill when all I really wanted to do was go off somewhere else away from people and do the quiet thing personal thingy more one on oneish. I guess it's the one guy that bugs me just not to be trusted and talks too much. Oh well and then tonight people were crabby 2 work with. So one waitress is bitching about another and the other comes around the cornor and the other going Shhhh but she's the one bitchin and she leaves and the other one starts in on her. Kinda funny but puts me in the middle. So up the hill the one waitress is totally going off about everything and she's wasted so ya just in one ear out the other.. use those bartending skills of listening amy.

So I get home at 530 wake up hubs and talk and do it till 630 and I finally hit the hay. All I had was one drink up at work T bought me and 3 glasses of wine so I was good. Although I did get myself in one werid situation with T well a couple actually. Then sat and had a nice talk about it all. And thinkin about it 2day it's exactly how i've always felt... and the same reasons I have for another is exactly how I feel about the whole thing and just reinforced those thoughts. Yeap I'm more into private deep stimulating converstatitons or the challenges of the hunt.. something just isn't right there. And I did things with people I wish I didn't n most the time I feel great about things I do cept this was different. I like to go to bed with happy thoughts n dreams n no regrets. Oh course it was yesterday a day gone by now and I'll look ahead omg I gotta go cuz i'm remembering some nutty things.

Hubs putting his new engine in he painted it Old Ford Baby Blue LMAO.. pretty. Gonna go check on him my bro is here too. I think it's sopose to get stormy later today/night and rainy windy tomorrow. Hope there is an awesome lightening storm in a way cuz I love them. I could drive out on a country road and just lay back and watch it for hours. Love to watch the sky. Specially at twilight of course my fav time of day as you slip into the night.. and I slip into another world. K I'm goofy lack of zzz's bye

Friday, May 02, 2003


K had my 1st couciling session to set up my quit date to stop smoking.. she picked May 26th it's memorial day. Hummm or at least when I can start the patches. I have to be on Zyban for 2-3 weeks befor that. So I called my hometown DR and set up appt this tuesday to meet with him to discuss the program to ensure it's safe and the medication etc... agrees with me. OK kinda spendy $50 every 2 weeks for the zyban and $15 every 2 weeks for patches.. 8 weeks on patches 3 months on zyban or longer if needed. Hummm doesn't sound that easy. Quiting sucks just cuz i think it's going to be hard I have to get it in my head it's going to be a breeze and I need to make posters or something and hang them around the house. Give myself a icky image of what smoke does and beautiful images of what non-smoking can mean. LOL at me.

So the entire converstation that's 20 min long I'm thinking how much I want to lite up. OK so I have about 25 days to prepare myself for this... freak myself up n kick this habit once and for all. Wish me well with lotsa luck n please don't critizie my attempts... if I fail cuz that only brings me down and makes me feel worse than I personally already do about the entire situation. I don't think people that do not smoke can understand how controlling this drug can be. I wish I could check myself into some health spa for a month and purify my body. I don't know why I smoke. what else can I do to not smoke or want that smoke. OMg working in a bar is going to suck. At home it's OK it's just driving and outside my home I want to smoke. OK I gotta try to change my belly ring.. got my new ones so cute but I'm scared to take this stud out and put a new one in.. what if I can't get it in. LOL K bye

Do friends sense when somethings wrong or if they do ignore it.. inturn really do not care nor real friends at all? Question of my day

Sex on the Beach - Good Drink

Worked 2nite although I didn't really feel like I was there or wasn't with it or something. Just one of those nights I guess. So this guys in the bar 2nite and were talking about my bday... and too funny he's all trying to figure out how he can be here on my bday being it's on a tuesday and how he'd love to spend it with me or take me out then he's like Oh yeah your hubs probably has something planned and he's all acting like he's so bummed and says I wish I could take you out.. it'd be so fun.. .. Yeah right I stop and think about hubs taking me out probably a fishing trip or something I want to do something exciting and different. 2 outta the 6 bdays I've spent with him have been spent fishing. So many bdays are just another day I want this one to be so different. OK yeah I've had some fun bdays too... just I'm going to be 30.. OMG 30 that's like major to me.. I mean I'm going to have to grow up now.

No more crazy amy gotta get serious sometime shouldn't I. No more late night rollin around or baking cookies at 2am.. I should try to be normal 100% daytime me.. and go to bed at normal adult times.. Get those crazy late night thoughts outta my head cuz I'm old almost. OK 30's not old I know.. just a time I've set in my mind that I'm going to grow up or start acting not so nutty. I still want to be me.. and will.. just not that evil side of me I told myself years ago once I'm 30 I'll be normal married loving wife mother and give up all my bad habits or smoking and sex and parties.. not that I do all that anyways really but the sex and smoking. I have to quit smoking. I just have to.... it's what I want so bad. And parties I guess I dont' really go to any anyways. but like to hang out with my friends once and awhile after work... guess that's not bad. I don't know what I'm talking about.

So anyways this one guys all funny with me the last 3 times he's been in inviting me to his cabin anytime I'd like come by 2nite. I seen him putting his coat on and hide out in the bathroom for awhile. Just uncomfortable.. I said no I shouldn't... That's when the evil thinkin part of me kicks in. So driving home it's like Hummm wonder what if.. blah blah.. then that song I loves on I'm with you.. where you want someone to just take you away... just for a moment.. feeling and ya think wonder if he could do that. Someone to take me by the hand lead me somewhere new.. OMG naughty me.. see what's wrong with me? Is it abnormal to "not" think of others in sexual ways at times? I mean when someone's throwing things at you that flatter you etc... what do you expect I like to think a lot of people have that thought here and there.. don't they? Then reality is like Ewwww yuckie no way. Then there's the older guy that almost always makes some smart remark I just laugh off and have fun with.

2nite they come in and b4 leaving wants me to take him to the casino. Later they come back.. yeap still wanting to go and states the bar stops serving there at midnight so we'll have to rent a room so we can go up and mix drinks and have fun in there. Makes me wonder cuz he's like well so and so will be tired she won't go and if it's just me and you it will be fun. And then the sex talking. OK funny 2 old guys yeah.. but still at the same time they are talking to me... amy the one who thinks about sex too much.. so I'm probably just imagining they are too.. LOL nutty me.

Then another guy and his kid comes in and I have this thing with thinking I can get him... and almost 80% sure I can now.. cuz he's always bitchin about his wife to me.. not always but his kid says things like my dad is your friend and I'll say Yeap.. and he's like he's going to kiss you. OK so the kids 4.. and kissing and girls and boys is natural for kid to assume blah blah but the dad's lsmiles and is winking at me and says we could she's a girl and a pretty one.. and kid gets all embarrassed and laughs. Sure it's a kid thing but OMG . ANd my mouth is like OMG.. and I just evil as I can be smile and say Oh yeah and nod staring into his brown eyes... OMG see naughty. I probably instigate some as well huh? I'm a horror huh. Naaa I didn't do anything really wrong did I? Thinking thoughts doesn't mean I'm doing anything. I love my hubs and life and wouldn't trade it for anything. Even if somedays I so wish he'd be more attone to me and my feelings.

He's just not a feeling type of person and doesn't complete my every desires or pacify my need for compaionship 100% but he tries and I appreciate and love that about him. Somedays I just think he'll never be that way or know anything about the real me it's kinda sad like the fact he never knows when I'm upset or hurting or things he does is not meant to hurt I'm sure but even when I approch him with my concerns or wants wishes.. he'll listen but it's in one ear and out the other.. maybe he cant comprehend it or I just think he doesn't get it or tries once and then forgets it's important to me. So many upsets I've felt regarding several topics and seems like it's something so small and so easy that he'd have to do but still doesn't. And if he attempts it's just cuz I had to get that upset to tell him then a day later it's back to him old self. I'm not wanting to change him or make him a different person no I dont' want that... But in turn I am me and myself and feel.. think the way I've always felt and feel and for me to just ignore and turn off those feelings is impossible at times for me.

What the hell am I talking about LOL.. ohh yeah the ride home and that song. The wanting "won't someone to take me by the hand n lead me somewhere new.. " Hummm I don't know where I'm going so I'll drop it. I hate this time of night when all my girlie friends are sleeping and no one to talk to. I can chat I guess but even in my chat rooms most my friends are guys that care to chat and I tend to think they're just after sex too in the long run or get upset with me. Ohhh ok boys I love ya but I love the friendships and don't get pissy at me cuz ya know I'm married from the start. Just like 2nite I get home pop on my yahoo and I have 20 instant messages in my offlines message box and like 1/2 the people are "Why don't you ever talk to me when your online" or "Are you ignorning me" or " You've been throwing my mail out havn't ya if you don't want to talk just tell me" OMG guys come on.. I have only 24 hours in a day READ my journal to see what's going on. If I'm online I'll write ya back.. obviously I wasn't even online to talk.. so why even message me. Kinda ticked me off. OK not all bad offline messages.. some are nice like hope you had a good night at work missed ya.. or have a good weekend messages.. I love those.

Oh yeah and turning 30 still some things I have to do like have sex on the beach. Sure I wont' get thru them all oh well fun to think the past few years I might. OK so what's gotta change. My bedtime and smoking major goals to sleep normal hours and to quit oh yeah and lose 20 more lbs.. which I am sure i could do easily if I'd just get back on the diet wagon. I'm so unmotivated gotta kick-er in high gear here.. and get some energy and pumped about something that excites me like dsjfsjdlfs. I don't know OK I'm off this topic for awhile.

Thursday, May 01, 2003

Missed it

So I have my van 2day. Took the kids to playtime at my babysitters for 4 hours this afternoon they love it there. Coming home I turn around the street corner and in front of my garage is my bro's wifes car and my heart jumped a bit and I'm like OMG she's home.. then I'm like Ohhh yeah my bro pulled it out last week and parked it there till this weekend. Of course she's not home but for a split second I thought so and was excited. Wonder where she is over there in iraq and how she is doing. Then I come into the house and my bro calls.. hasn't heard anything from her either since she's left. He thinks he'll get an apartment round here somewhere for the summer.. until the band moves down to nashville. He's pretty bummed missing his wife too.

I get back from dropping the kids off and Federal Express came to drop my; belly rings off. OK I just ordered them late monday night and they went out tuesday and here already. Bummer thought cuz they didn't drop them off needed a signature 1st. So I'll have to wait until tomorrow I guess. OK i have nothing to write about now nor am I feeling much of anything just kinda blah until I wake up. I just got sleepy but have too much to do. Gotta work 2nite OK bye!

Wrinkled up Sponge

I'm like a drowned puddle of wet noodles.. just got outta the tub finally at 1215.. think I feel alseep just didn't want to get out but water got kinda chilly after sitting awhile. Was so relaxing and I smell so nummy now used up the last of my pear lotion... Mmmm and painted my toe nails and finger nails too... Boys got home from fishing at 1030 my son outfished hubby... he caught a lot I guess only 2 keepers.. and my hubs only caught one but wasn't big enuf to keep. Sounds like they had a lot of fun again. By the time he cleaned the fish and showered it was 1130 and he crashed.. so I got into the tub then for the soaking away of my sorrows with a glass of the bubbly. LOL one glass and I'm tipsy... such a light weight. One it will have to be is all cuz I'm so relaxed now.

Maybe I should think about hitting the hay.. at decent hour no think I'll cuddle with my blankie on the couch and flip the stations thought about renting a movie earlier but boys got home too late. Can't wait until hubs truck is fixed thought about it 2nite that he might as well spend another 15hundred and get a new paint job.. hahaha.. i shouldn't say that too loud or he'll start to really think it.

Wednesday, April 30, 2003

Me Myself and I ... Why?

OK hubs comes home from work hour late.. no biggy he stopped by work and the mill and then the shop.. yacking with buddies about fishing and picked up a new clutch for his truck. So I'm making supper and he's like I'll take the kids to the park while your cooking. Hummm he's never volunteered to take kids anywhere... so when he's going I'm thinking OK he wants something or to do something or something else is wrong with that truck of his. I let it slide say OK have fun with kids they love it. Comes back round 6 we eat and after dinner I stepped outside for smoke and he sends out my son to see if he and dad can go fishing again 2nite with some guys dad works with. Hummm OK I knew there was a catch to all the nicey-niceness going on.

I wasn't mad nor do I care he wants to go fishing or goes.. it's just he's gone all 3 nights I've had off and that he doesn't come straight out and say he wants to go or is going. Never asks if I have to do anything which I did.. but even if I dind't have anything I "HAD" to do.. maybe there are things I'd "LIKE" to do. Just cuz I don't fish maybe I wanted to go swimming or something... I have nothing else outside the home cuz I'm always here. Then I'm like giving the kids baths tonight and cleaning out my makeup bag and I'm talking to the kids like .. Yeah this color eye shadow isn't me is it.. and I have too much lotion do you guys ever have that problem... hummm their responce is Mom's going nuts I'm sure. Just that adult converation thing is missing after all day of kids and all night all the time.. cept for work.

Dont' think for a second I don't enjoy my every second home with the kids I DO... we had fun night together regardless if it was just us. It's just the now time when kids are in bed and house is quiet and just me and nothing as all nights go. Boring. I wanted to get outta here so bad not to mention the plans but even the shoppin trip to get my son rollerblades for his party friday night he's going to... legite reason.. so hubs says You can go when we get back from fishing at 10.. since your up all night anyways and walmarts open 24/7.. Ummm OK then he says just tak the kids to daycare earlier tomorrow and go then. OK both OK reasons and times.. but not what I really wanted. OK here it is I just get upset cuz whenever he wants to do something I say OK... and if I don't say OK he'll moop around here bitchin crabby nothing to do and drive me insane.. just once all on his own I wish he'd say OK Honey it's your night do whatever you'd like.. and then I'd be like OMG what do I even do?

That happened one time.. last winter... it was a wednesday he'd been ice fishing a lot and he's like outta the blue why not do something 2nite honey... I'm like OMG so I went down to the W. and out with j a girl I work with and watch T another girl I work with work. I had other plans that night as well but he didn't turn out to be willing to go that night.. another story i probably wrote about back then.. anyways that was one night I guess he let me out. And most the time I don't have reasons to go anywhere anyways and I don't care.. it's just I don't know... he's been out all week and all weekend working for the grand opening weekend thingy again...

I dont' get to see him and I get lonely yeah that's it probably. And makes me feel like last night he took me fishing just to pacify me thinking it was me he wanted to be with when he just wanted to go fishing and probably felt only way he'd get to go is if he took me ... whatever oh well I had fun anyways no regrets.. just makes me feel crappy 2nite. And it isn't like I don't let him go all the time anyways... I kept kids up extra 1/2 hour just to pass the time faster cuz they were so funny 2nite. I guess I can still go shopping at like midnight 2nite huh... but lonely boring drive all alone... or maybe it's just what I need.. called my GF in town to see if she wanted to go for a late night shopping trip.. nope can't. Boooo

Guess I can just shower and get sexy for myself or hubs when he gets home huh.. bored OK going to go curl my hair funky or something weird. Cuz I'm bored. OK Yeah that's what I'll do take a long ass nice hot shower n bath doing the three "S's" Soak, Shower n Shave. I still have some sandlewood salt thingys left and candles and the oil.. mmmm nummy smelling.. and that bottle of bubbly in the fridge from that weekend I had off in march.. just cold duck champagne but wth.. relax time baby.. just me myself and I... Bye

Ummm thinking

Nice again outside 61 degrees but sunny. Dog ate my plant I sat outside this morning.. grrrr it's the one I got from my oldest son on my very 1st mothers day. Would be 12 years old this mothers day I'm so bummed will try to save a clipping or something... it's very sentimental for me. Had it forever. I'm in sentimental mood these days.. doubtful or something on lotsa things. Can't pinpoint a reason just that uneasyness unsure feelings revolving round nothing specific but everything as well.

K chatting now with someone else n planning a night of fun n candy n candles... 2 on 1 style. Am I up wit dat? lets just say I am but how to get about to get there is something I'll have to work on. Running outta excuses. Gotta think up something good wish it was easier like say I'm haning out with my GF in town watching movies.. that'd be easy cuz something I'd do. But with this GF I've never done that befor and don't want it to look funny. Although I think calling her up and asking her to go shopping would be fun then taking her home too. maybe that'll work. Gotta wait n see till hubs get home n see if he's gotta work that 2nd job that I wish he didnt' take. Just gotta get out and do something i don't really have an outside life besides here.. work and home. Hubs has all kinds of hunting buddies.. fishing buddies.. shop buddies he hangs with.. I have friends via telephone i talk to almost daily but not same anymore were all so busy with life n family n work no time to visit or have "coffee" or shopping trips anymore. OK I gotta go hopefully bbl with some news or stories at least.

Fishing Queen - For the Night at least

Outfished the hubs... I caught 5 but all were too small only 12-13 inches. Legal limit is 14inches.. they were nice but not nice enough. I had a lot of other bites it was fun.. 2 times I had fish on both lines.. lost them all and about threw my pole in cuz my one went flying 1/2 way into the lake. So we get out at round 745.. about 830 is starts raining. Soft rain.. wind died down and it was so peaceful and nice. Rained a bit harder right b4 we packed up to come home at 930. let's just say the rocks got really slippery to lay on. Cold too only round 50 degrees burrrr but stayed warm. Betcha I looked funny in sweats.. tennies no bra.. t-shirt.. sweatshirt and winter coat with my big stockin hat on. Didn't see anyone anyways we were in secluded spot. Hubs only caught one.. too small too. Will be perfect to catch say next year. Was fun anyways.

Came home and tucked hubs in.. and now I have my 3rd pan of cookies in the oven. Who do ya know bakes cookies at 2am on Tuesday nights? ME... Nice to pack in hubs lunch box for morning suprise and the kids love cookies of course! I ate some cookie dough about 3 cookies worth now I wanna puke.. Jeezz yesterday I didn't want to talk or see a soul.. and today when I want to no one calls or comes around LOL... werid. Someone did a search on my site for "friends with diapers xxx" OMG.. LMAO.

What else is new. Nothing I guess lil lonley no one.. on any of my messengers is online. Wonder what my lil bro is up to? Wanted to ask a friend something but they're not online either. K well I'm off for now buzzer will be going off again any second.

Tuesday, April 29, 2003

Gone Fishin

Rain stopped.. Hubs dead set on going fishing but did ask me to go 1st... hummm lets see he must think he won't be able to go unless he asks me.. Hehehe I hope not cuz I'd let him go again... but nice he asked sure he didn't expect I'd say Yeah right away LOL. but I think it sounds fun getting out and suckin in the fresh air. So down to BSL rocky ledge to sit on the rocks and jig a bit... I guess the nice night at home together is out of the picture again... I'm not complaining though will be fun out together just him and I and who knows what could happen on the back roads on the way home. Van's still a virgin.

Tip Toppy Hip Happy

OK I'm in 100% better mood then yesterday but figured I was sick.. later in the night I was dead.. chills and sicky or maybe just over-tired. Whatever the case I awoke and feel refreshed and awesome! Going to be good night it's rainy out so hubs won't want to go fishing nor can work that 2nd job so he'll be ALL mine! Hehehe I'm feeling so frisky. What fun can we have 2nite??? Hummm I should make something nummy for supper. Think I'll bake a chicken with some kinda nummy toppin.. BBQ'd Chix? Hummm grilling sounds better... ShisKaBobs with giant mushrooms peppers onions and pineapple marinated in some mesquite sauce Mmmmm OK with baby red potatoes sprayed n shaked in garlic and diced and baked in tin foil.

Think I'll dig into my house cleaning chores when the kids are nappin and get the house all ready 2 enjoy 2nite.. changed our bedding new fresh sheet smell so nummy and so nice to crawl into later... :) :-0 Hope it pours all night so my plans won't be ruined. Gettin one of those sty things in my eyes.. rubbin them too much . ouchie. Kids are wild 2day They do not know how to play in their rooms.. what can I do? Gotta be under my feet all day... Following me from room to room.. If I'm going potty there they come.. If I lock the door they lay on the floor looking under the door. I go strip my bed they're jumpin on it. LOL Errrr.. hard to get things done. OK Bye for now

Still Shoppin N Dreams

So I've made my wish list from victorias secret want it you'll have to email me for it. Then I ordered myself some sexys nothing major cuz would rather hubs do it.. Then we looked thru belly rings and he's like you just order what ya want. No fun... I'd rather he pick one out from him. So boring somedays no surprise to anything. Oh well I'll just order all my own gifts I guess! Oh well.

Oh yeah and this afternoon during my nap I had this dumb crazy dream. OK me and this guy are like over in europe or some other country and we visit the sites and do all the tourist things and were staying with some older english lady that has awesome condo but we were due there by 3pm sharp for tea... so we get there and she's off in the kitchen or somewhere but we decide were horney and start having sex on the dinning room floor. I'm on bottom and he's on top and she's walking around talking to us like normal I realize then she's blind so we just keep going at it.. but then she says other guests are coming and like at that very second in walks everyone I work with. We lay there motionless hoping no one will notice or see us just laying there.. and no one looks our way so as they go into the kitchen to help set up for tea we roll under the couch and hide.. redress and reappear and only one person seen us and she smiled and winked at me. OMG.. Werid dreams I have

K I'm off to shop some more.. maybe or play some games. My MSN Zone nick if you play is Twilights_b4u Bye

Monday, April 28, 2003

Belly Rings for Me

I love this one! You'd love to see this on me wouldn't ya!So My Bday is coming up told hubs just get me some belly rings.. since I can change it now but don't have any. Looking online found the yahoo online store for body rings you can CLICK HERE to see all the rings and they are like 300% cheeper then all the piercing stores I've went to. So I'm looking thru them all and want them all. You want to buy me one.. Yeah ya do for my Bday don't cha. Cuz ya love me too! I like the butterfly ones seems like my fav jewelry is butterflies. I have 2 butterfly earings.. necklas's and hair barretts. The weirdest thing is everytime I wear something with butterflies I end up with this one guy. Werid. I took my butterfly earings out to see and nope nothing happened.. put them back on just yesterday then yeap. LOL i'm so silly.

Anyways my total checkout price is $48 now.. hehehe but not going to check out for real.. will let hubs browse thru and pick out the one he wants to get me 1st. Can't believe how cheep these are online and the same brand at the piercing place was crazy. Cool. OK i've got the kids in bed I'm showered and feeling better but still not tip top craving some ice cream with nestle quick. Called hubs talked to my son said caught 3 large walleyes now.. just started biting good when sun went down so they are still out there. Caught a couple northerns and a bullhead too... threw many back too small or just waiting for bigger ones. Wish I could've gone.. then again I enjoyed my quiet night home too. Needed that. Off to pop a movie in. Forest Gump.. havn't watched it since it came out on the big screen.

Dead Day

Nothing done 2day but some laundry and laying around coloring and playing with a fisher price farm set and my daughers kitchen cooking up fake food and desserts. Oh and the lil fisher price grill.. making steaks. Then we all took naps in front of the patio door in the warm sunshine... with my baby cuddling up next to me and my other baby on the other side we crashed. Perfect relaxing do-nothing day!

Hubs came home we ate and him and my oldest son left for fishing trip south of here a 1/2 hour... sopose they won't be home til 9ish and left round 530 hope they have fun and get a couple bites.. front moving in /moved in so might be good fishing??? I'm glad to be alone with the little ones. Just don't feel like talking or listening even. Helped my son with his homework after school some tuff questions and in social studies I ended up reading the entire chapter to help him find this one answer. Learning about the civil war. Phone's rang 100 times 2day didn't answer any of them. Somethings really buggin me I can't talk about. Wish I had a friend I could tell all to or ask their opinion honestly but nahhh. Just continue my plan to stay as far away from people as I can. I should go not in a talkative mood.

Morning Thoughts

Whoa my horoscope 2day is kinda neat as it's so close along the lines of what I was talking about last night :) :O

You enjoy reaping the rewards for all your efforts. But in your love life, you have to admit that you can never be sure of the quantity or the quality of the fruits of your labors. Yet, today, dear Taurus, you may realize that it is time to plant new seeds. You may not know how they will turn out, but you do know, better than anyone else, you can't win if you don't try.

Your primary focus now is probably spirituality and psychic and/or metaphysical matters. You're looking within, but doubt what you see, and wonder if you're on the right track. You may discuss it with your romantic partner, but your sweetheart, while supportive, may not understand it any more than you do. Relax! The current aspect at play has a way of bringing up doubts and uncertainties. Learn from them now, and they should pass by tomorrow.

I don't feel like much of anything 2day. Monday blues. Sunny n nice cooler 52 but sopose to get stormy tomorrow Hubs going fishing with oldest son 2nite. I'm home alone for the day and night with no van to even go anywhere or do anything. I don't even care much 2day anyways. One of those days you want to "hide out". Hope nobody stops by or calls or buzzes me.. kinda feeling cuz I just don't feel that personally positive or more don't want anyone to ruin the good mood I was in. Feeling my mom's going to call about summer vacation again.. and something I don't want to discuss or think about 2day either and see makes me feel worse just saying that cuz I know she's upset about it and upsets me cuz I don't want to hurt her.

Yeap one of those days that no matter how hard anyone tries to make me smile I'm not going to be able to full-hearted. Oh no problem smiling and loving the kids just ate dinner and they are out on the deck riding their hot wheels so cute n singing. OK I better get to folding some clothes!

I'm back

Hadda chat with a friend... leaves me feeling bad kinda... should stay away cuz discussing my life as he's nosy about it.. think it excites him.. yet then he leaves me feeling like he's mad at me cuz it doesn't envolve him directly. Dumb.. maybe he likes making me question the other persons motives and puts these negaitve after thougths in my head so I push myself away. Or maybe he's being honest saying he doesn't want to see me be used or get hurt. I don't know. I'm a big girl just bugs me when someone tries to tell me things sometimes specially things that might bring me down specially when I was feeling so good. Anyways... back to my earlier disscussions

What am I left feeling? Me and my feelings. clarifying feelings of others.. not that I want anything out of anything just to know I'm liked feeling or something more.. or that it's a mutual good feeling I leave with them... ??? as my feelings: Good yet bad but much more good. Good for I like it plus with them it's good, yet bad for obvious reasons n for that I am mostly left with a questioning feeling. Wish they could complete that hole that's left after I leave... I think it's the fact that I know it is not just me besides the obvious. It would/could be anyone in my shoes. Just that I'm more easily avaliable and willing.. I think????? ?? ?? In that I mean if it wasn't me it'd probably be someone else and it's just sex right. That's a difference cuz for me it isn't like that. And although my minds crossed the thought of others it's only just been a tiny smidge of thought. Unlike the total desire thing I got going on with them. And so much more mental thinking and intensifies the physical feeling that attracts me. OK with that thought I know what I gotta do.. AGAIN. Get my mind set back on track and get those evil eyes of mine under controll. OMG not working.. I close my eyes and it's worse then ever. LOL at myself. Then what would happen if I ever said No? would they just say OK.. no biggy.. that would hurt cuz then I'd think they didn't care. I guess I'm questioning that caring thing too much damn chat.

So I am me. My best advice is to always be yourself.. don't change for anyone or anything. Something an old boyfriend once wrote me in a card. I am myself I do what I like and never look back in a negative way. I love each experience as you grow and learn from them all in a positive way for your future. For without feelings or love it is as to say.. I do not care.. for caring is love and without you really wouldn't care. And it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Yeah I'm all dumbed up 2nite huh LOL. I am crazy I wonder what I'll be writing about in a year. I've been writing this journal for over 8 months now.. about time to read back and see what I felt back then ?? curious I am a bit. cuz not sure what crazy stuff i wrote about then.

I know I've been extremely happy not sure why havn't had a really depressed day/week for awhile that's awesome! Lil feelings of doubt here and there... but nothing major. I am bummed on the chat session I just ended.. leaving me with an totally icky feeling and doubts and now not so happy.. or sure..Nope I'm not being used.. I feel it's totally a mutual use thing. I like it they like it... so sure they'd like it with anyone doesn't mean they don't like it with me.. right??? Damn got me all confused. So what-ever I'm going to forget the entire chat and go to bed with deep dreams of the soft whispers I heard n smiles I seen. Mmmm K nite


Work was fun 2nite although I felt like a bowl of jelly with rubber chicken legs. And when i lift my arm to pour a drink my forearm ached and my boobie muscles were stretched to the max last night from all the drinks I made. Ya know that muscle that goes from your armpit accross your chest.. that pectoral muscle or whatever it's called. Ouch. My feet hurt too.. gotta get back in shape for the busy season on the lake.. Anyways considering the aches and ohhs and being tired I was in a great mood. Hubs called said his clutch out on his truck now.. what next? Oh well I called him back and said OMG but OK but still it's sucked up almost our entire savings now well most of it.. doesn't leave me much left to play with that's for sure. I've been debating the entire summer trip to my parents just cuz of it.. not that we couldn't go and do it.. just I never want to be behind or strapped or something or just don't wanna drive 24 hours in a van with 5 kids.. I don't know. Maybe I was looking for an excuse and this works.. well it isn't I don't want to go I DO.. I don't know... If it was middle of winter sure.. summer I'm busy enough and have plenty of fun with kids/ swimming bike riding going to the park.. working and the garden... I don't know.

Had fun after work.. wished so bad I could've done more... so thoughts crossing my mind too much... in the chair and then back in the cornor then orange popcicles how fun that could be.. and it's like when I'm back getting something or waiting I just stare with those naughty thoughts swimming in my eyes glowing with fire.. desire is the word it's came to. Not horney nor turned on... it's desire at least for 2day. The hunt that I have to have it. Almost awful.

A wish or longing.
A request or petition.
The object of longing:
Sexual appetite; passion.

So what of me??? That question still ponders in my mind? The drives home from work that 15 min is so nice to drive with the millions of stars out 2nite and really think. Radio down with some soft music and breathing in the smell ... mmmm and remembering the slight brush and rubbing of his hands accross my back and neck that send chills up my spine... then those awkward moments at 1st by the door.. of so wanting to jump yet couldn't for that one reason.. and for a second wished I could've just done what I wanted to.. totally yet the entire moments were perfect yet i am left wanting more... again... More meaning the entire picture. I'm to the point where I need to know exactly how they feel. Then that time like last monday night after 2 beers just throbbin and brainstorming how can I get that??? Just dreaming of feeling exactly that way again another time for now... OK I'm lost in thought and happy dreams,

Sunday, April 27, 2003


Sitting outside watching the kids play while writing some notes to myself and it's kinda windy but the trees are all buddin now and my apple tree will be blooming soon those pretty pinkish white flowers. Work was fun last night was busy.. wasn't so busy then super busy again. LOL It's was fun made time go by so fast and most everyone in a good mood only got invited to 3 after bar parties didn't' go to any of course but was cool. Came home lite a little lantern on the deck sat on my lawn chair and just relaxed for 10 in the wind at 330am. Then my bro came home we talked a little bit.. misses his wife. Found out she's in Kuwait right now. They say as of now they will be there a year but that can change too.. He's just sad n misses her and with no contact since last fri night when they left and being newly wed.. ohhh.

Kids wanna eat lunch outside. I really need to get some patio furniture. Do I want something really nice? with kids??? Yeah but no. I don't know what I want NO selection in my hometown went and looked the other day. I do want a lounge puffy chair so when I'm out with the kids I can lay back and write a book. What would I write about? Can't write about me I do that too much here already hehehe.. hummm looking around my house it's in total disarray.. I hate weekend no body has done a darn thing round here when I work. Well hubs been working too. Miss him... but we talked a bit last night when I crawled into bed at 4.

So my Bday is coming up I wanna do something... My mom called me at work last night at 11.. all cryin and upset cuz told her the whole fam might not be coming down.. she's obviously really stressing out about it.. cuz night before she called me at work too and was freakin out. I couldn't hear her with the band and I was making 100 drinks so had to pretty much just hang up on her. Yes I will make a point to get there I guess... I'm just more a home-body... I don't know only been away from hubs 1 night at a time... not that I coudln't go away for more... just would miss the kids too... I don't know what to do. I'm NOT riding the dumb-ass bus like she wants me to do.. I would fly end of story. OK bye gotta go