Twilight

Writing about my life and things in it and what I think

Saturday, March 01, 2003

Happy Chef

I feel crappy. I am extremely tired and just blah. I don't dare take a nap cuz I don't think I'd wake up to make it to work on time otherwise. I hope it is busy just to make time fly. Hubs fryed up fish he caught for lunch was nummy. I love Sat's at dinner when it's his day to cook for me. Nice to just sit around like he always does with the kids while he's slaving over the stove. Some times it sucks too cuz he bitches the whole time he's cooking or takes him 300 times longer and never can decide what to make. After an hour or going thru every cupboard he'll say I guess were having Mac and Cheese..LMAO. But last night he took out fish and was ready and he's so proud it was cute. And nummy I might add. Hubs and J are just laying around playing the PS2. I'm bored.

No Topic


Worked tonight went fast as there were more drinkers out in the party room. Was fun they sure seemed to be having fun! A bunch of teachers chanting Chug it Chug it or Suck it Suck it.. when the birthday girl who turned 50 had to take a shot. Funny! So my boss calls on me and asks how many cig's did I sell? Makes me wonder if someone's swiping smokes now? LOL what next??? I mean if you can't afford your habit don't have it. And 1st off.. why buy smokes in a bar. I pay $1.88 or something a pack at the grocery store.. and usually always have an extra in my purse and it's only maybe once a month if even that .. that I end up short and have to buy a pack there but 2nite I had to... guess I'm too damn cheep I mean smokes at a bar are $4 bucks a pack almost. Some places even more. But I can recall everypack I did sell and to whom I did. I'm glad they don't sell the kind I smoke there cuz I hate the ones they do carry I have to smoke ultra lights.. smoking a regular light kills me the next morning. And menthols make me puke. I know some nights when we stay later and drinking and if I have to buy a pack at the bar I wake up feeling like crap cuz they are that much little bit stronger.

Wish I could quit all together. I guess I just have to really try again. Hope my bosses aren't mad at me for not watching over things better... I try my best! It's a little upsetting to hear and makes me feel bad. I'm just kinda sick of feeling bad for things I cant controll. Not in a bad way but sad way. Again that feeling it's my fault. OMG amy don't get worked up over a pack of smokes. I like to tell myself what to do. I think I sometimes take things too personal and makes me sensitive. And I know I care so much about what someone thinks of me and for them to ever think badly of me kills me inside. And it isn't that they'd be thinking badly of me in the 1st place I still feel responsible. I always do. Just like the till thing. When it comes down to it.. I know it's not my fault but still part of me that blames myself... like if I just was there to watch better.. or whatever I'm not going there again.. or at least 2nite. I just don't like to feel like Im letting down people I care about and if I tried harder I'd be better. Whatever... I gotta get off this subject too upsetting. I'd rather think back to last night or another time. please? K bye

Friday, February 28, 2003

Proud Plays

I figured out when I was trying to call my bro's GF last night and kept getting a buzzy fax machine It was probably the laptop computer she used to email everyone. I was bummed I missed calling her back but she did send me a long email. Her issued weapon that she passed in is the Machine Gun. Only 1 other woman in her unit issued one all the rest are M16 rifles she was proud that she out-shot most men in her unit but it's a heavy gun weighing 17lbs.

You could tell by the way she wrote she is very proud and seemed very happy to be where she is and will find out where exactly she will be stations overseas on Mar 10th.

The kids are driving me nuts this morning. My daugher who is 3 is a jabber mouth. Talking non-stop looking at a toy catalog. I want this and this and that and Oh Mom I want this. And my baby is climbin up on everything and ripped all his clothes out of his dresser in 2 seconds flat. Everytime I turn around this morning they've dug into something else. I got into my babies room reorganize his clothes and come back into the living room where they tore every book off the bottom 2 shelves of our bookcase and put the books all over the floor and they are running around on them and the books are sliding and pages are ripping and OHHHHHHH OMG!!!

They helped me pick them up after a slight blow out..up.. and I go back to start some laundry and they took off and got the pots and pans out and dumped the entire silverware drawer out. Anyways it's been very eventful I think this nice weather is driving them nutty as well so after dinner I took them outside to play on the deck and ran off some energy that way. Jeeze it's nap time now I'm off to lay them down I'll be back!

Giving Me A Reason To Write

Worked 2nite it was slower again tis the season.. but sure next within the next month and 1/2 the fishermen will start coming down and the cabins will all be opening and we'll be swamped. So enjoy the slow time I guess while ya can at least where i work. Busy nights are fun they go fast.. maybe it was peaceful just working with the people I worked with 2nite.? ?

I didn't cheat on the diet and worked out this afternoon almost too much cuz my abs are killing and my legs too. Water areobics would do me in I think almost more because the water resistance. Plan on going to the gym again tomorrow. That is If I'm still not sore... couldn't even squat down 2nite... humm.. anyways..

Last night I started to crochet the little premie gown I wanted to make I'm 1/2 done with the gown and also plan on making the bonnet. It's very pretty but tiny. Hard to imagine a baby that small sometimes. At 1st I thought it sad to make burial gowns.. sounds so sad.. but for some reason I am drawn to making them. It makes me feel good and I enjoy crocheting and it's for a great cause.

So someone said they gave me a reason to write. Yeah they did all too good to think to much on 2nite though.. I'd rather leave the sweet memories alone for the night at least and for when I close my eyes.. and hopefully sleep like a baby unlike the crazy dreams that kept awaking me last night leaving me restless and antsy. Satisfied I am.. more so than known I'm sure. So until tomorrow I'll share one of those "dreams" maybe then.. but for now I need some serious ZZZ's. Nite!

Oh yeah my bro's GF called who's in our local guard unit that was activated a few weeks ago.. she' asked me to call her back after work and I tried and tried and kept getting a fax machine or a busy signal. Kinda bummed didn't get the chance to talk to her. Did hear the unit may be going overseas in 2 weeks or so??? My brother want's so badly to drive to where she's stationed now b4 that. About 16 hours away I think. I'm sure if it comes down to it he will.. or try his hardest to. Nite.

Thursday, February 27, 2003

Antsy in my Pantsy

Took the kids to daycare. Ate a couple pieces of bacon can't eat the eggs today but had some grapefruit juice and just opened a pop. OK so time to crack the whip on the ole diet again. At least for a good striaght 3 weeks. Maybe if I log what I eat will help. I still have about 15 lbs I wanna lose b4 hubby's Bday and 15 more by mine. Yeah right.. would be nice to try. I'll settle for 20 more total. So I walked to puppy but it's so muddy sloppy outside and she jumps up on me and I was a big mud pie.

I'm listening to some dance techno trance piano music and just makes me wanna dance. Get silly stupid drunk and spin round and round with a million flashing lights and crash into a pool and swim. So nice out I'm having one of those wild flashes of running naked in an open field. LMAO not naked but where hubby is chasing me and we fall and do it right then and there. Yeah so maybe my dreams from last night still got me worked up... but I'm getting the spring fever itch. Hubs better perk up and get some energy and be happy cuz spring/summer just intensifies my desires. I will get in the I gotta go.. NOW mood. I still wanna redecorate my bedroom for my bday but there are a million other little things I should really get done before that... Tuesday I scrubbed down the walls and ceilings in my room thought I might paint it.. but to take apart the waterbed would suck.. I think I'll wait until I get our new bed.. but with that I'm having second thought as well cuz the waterbed is soooo warm at night to crawl into and cuddle. I did find some reasonable wall mirrors that are cool. Just the placement of our windows and closets in our room isn't set up right for the way I'd want the mirrors. A new dresser is a must as well. I want a low long one.

Ever have the itch to just get crazy? Am I crazy? Our lives seem so structured which I think is important for stability specially with kids but somedays I just wanna go nuts. I mean it's up at 8.. the same days... supper bath book then bed for kids by 830 then hubs packs his lunch takes the garbage out walks the dog showers and I tuck him in. Same ole things almost everyday. Nights I work the only thing different is I'm at work for a few hours but come home and everyone's in bed already and if I'm lucky enough to get outta there early hubs is maybe up for a few minutes.... OK so the plan this weekend is ... well maybe not J is home this weekend. Next weekend he is gone I'm gonna plan something wild with hubby... different... and the weekend we are going away will be awesome.

OK so what have I ate so far today. 4 slices of bacon.. 2 glasses of grapefruit juice and a pop. 1/2 my breakfest sopose i should eat something b4 work. I'd love a salad but don't have anything to go on it... I'm going to boil up some eggs so tomorrow I can have a salad. Sick of plain lettuce even if it has bacon and dressing on it.. still blah. Chix on it's good. Havn't had any water today sopose to have 8 glasses a day I"m lucky if I chug down 4.

This sounds neat on the front page of Blogger... something new:
Introducing AudioBlogger! So, imagine this: You're driving down the road, chatting at a party, or whatever. You have a phone. You call your blog on the phone. You leave a message. The message gets instantly posted to your blog as an MP3 file for the world to listen to. Cool?

Sounds neat.. different..
K I am going to go run around the house or something.

Dreams of Sex?

Wow what a night. Ever have one of those night that you dream over and over. Wake up slightly after one and slowly 1/2 asleep like fall into the next. That's how my night was.. a never-ending dream with a million mini-movies. And I was the sex godess or something bitchy and teasin.. I woke up this morning feeling not rested at all cuz between everydream I'd awake. Not with any bad feelings.. all good but crazy. I was this seductive bitch and it's crazy now but makes me wonder why I dreamed so vivid of these things and people and places. I like to analize my dreams but these I think I'll leave alone cuz they were too perfect and fun. What is crazy is that I never dream of my hubs.. not just in these kinda dreams but any dream. I seldom ever have a dream with him in it.. I wish I could.. just never happens. And wonder why? Cuz the lack of sex is not a problem at all specially the last week as hubs and I have great relationship for the most part and it's different everynight and fun and satisfying.

So it does bug me a bit I dream of another and others. But hey I can't controll them.. like I was controlling everyone last night in my dreams I was like some seductive bitch.. maybe it's my thought of controll. Whatever it was fun. I liked that sleeplike dreamy state it awoke me in.. with feeling Mmmm so it was a nice night of sleep.. yet I'm tired today now. US just went off orange alert to yellow elevated again.

Watchin the news and says sadam will comply with wishes of UN and disarm 2 missles or something.. and showed a bunch of countries that are united and stand "not for war" saying will cause more problems.. makes ya wonder if they are right? I mean you can feel the war coming with the troops leaving specially our unit and many others in our state. Another Medic unit left this morning. So you know the US is preparing.. but with all these preparations and acitvations makes ya wonder if all this is and has been put into motion over the past month.. what's really going to stop it? I mean I feel like it's gone to far to stop now... and the leaders that are for war are going to find a reason regardless... I don't know how to feel about it.

Ohhhh Mr Rogers died today... It's such a good feeling to know your alive.. I hear the song and always wanted fish when he feed his fish every morning and wondered why he took off his sweater and put on another and ever notice his shoes.. and slippers ? I loved him when I was little and even my babies liked to watch Mr. Rogers Neighborhood.

Feelin???

OK I watch the Cable Guy with Jim carrey too funny I hadn't seen it since it was on the big screen. Gotta a chuckle then put in "there's something about Mary" one of my top 10 favortie movies. Just got done chattin with my cuz. He's having a cow cuz he can't access his hotmail. and chattin nonsence. Funny is he'll call while were chatting and still write me at the same time too. Nutty boy.

I still have this totally icky feeling down in my gut. I can't shake it. I don't know what's up. I couldn't even eat the nummy ribs I made that smelled so good. I just feel like there is something majorly wrong.

I'm lonley. I hate this time of night when everyone's in bed and I'm up.. and no one real to talk to.. well a few friends online but no-one to really talk real to if that makes any sence I don't know. Ever have one of those days that ya feel like something is missing? You want to do something to change that but haven't got a clue? I'm so discontent.. not overly antsy like I am somedays but it's a feeling of I don't know. LOL @myself cuz I don't know again what the hell I'm saying. I think it comes down to I havn't gone anywhere since I came home sunday night. Well doggy walking but other than that nowhere. Maybe I need to get out of this joint.

I don't even know where I'd wanna go. I would love to go out for say breakfest or shopping??? Anywhere but like it's 130 in the morning and nothing is open not even a gas station. All my friends are way alseep hubs is sawing down trees... I should try to make myself go to bed at a real time... but what would that solve? Maybe I wouldn't be so bored like I am right now.

Gotta work next 4 nights. Hopefully all will go well. I thought I felt better about it but the thought of working again with this person starts digging a deeper whole into this pit in my tummy even more. I think once I get there I'll feel better. Well I had to take a break away from my movie cuz my cuz buzzed me... oh yeah I havn't posted these for awhile if ya want it my MSN is amyamanda111@hotmail.com and I love yahoo's messenger and that's twilights_b4u@yahoo.com. Nite

Wednesday, February 26, 2003

Movies & Crochetin

Temp: 18 Degrees

Wed nite again the night everyone here goes to bed by 930 I'm alone and planning on watching a movie. I don't know which one yet.. but my daughter has a ton of babies most are 15inch dollys and she doesn't have any clothes for her babies just the outfit they came in. Her favorite baby who's name is just "baby" has a little pink sleeper it's so dirty and My daugher always takes it off and says "baby" can't wear her PJ's all day and she's left with nothing.

So I got onto some of my favorite crochet sites and start browsing around for doll clothes.. nothing;( a ton of barbie ones of course so I thought OK baby premie clothes would work and started going to sites with Premie clothes. All I could find was burial gowns. So sad... I donated a ton of my yarn scraps and made mini squares and mailed them to a lady in my crochet group last fall for premies in hospitals and for their families.

There are a ton of organizations out there that do this A local head chapter is in Iowa called Afghans for Angels - Headquarters it's sad but has great meaning. So searching for dolly dresses I came accross this site with an beautiful burial dress and also this one with another pattern.

Lots of times these burial dresses are for premies that have died and been left or born stillborn and mothers have no money for funeral costs. These organizations and my club gets together and donates this handmade crocheted gowns for them. I have only made the afghans squares and was neat when my cousin had her baby and was in the premie unit in SF she was givin one of these afghans with the organizations little note and she's kept it. So I believe it really touches people in many ways and I'd love to have more time to make one of these gowns.

I wouldn't want to know where the gown went or anything about the baby as I'd be so sad. But would love to know that some precious baby would be put to rest with all my love and these gowns are beautiful. So my daughters dolly dresses will have to wait or I'll just buy some doll clothes next time I hit walmart.. cuz tonight I'm starting one of these burial gowns.

Tucked hubs in good he's so tired he crashed befor I got out of the bed. I'm not tired but that's nothing new. Work the next 4 nights. I havn't given any thought to work since I left Sunday which is good. And knowing T won't be there helps I'm sure. K off to watch something.. and start my new project.

Wierd Feelings

Temp: 27 Degrees

Took the kids and puppy for a walk it is so nice and sunny out. I have this awful feeling down in the depths of my gut. Almost so that I feel like I could get sick. It's a feeling like somethings is wrong or troubled about something. But I'm not so it's different. I think hubs and I are going to the fitness center together 2nite. That will be nice to have someone to work out along with and then hit the pool n hot tub. Hopefully that will get this feeling outta my tummy. Maybe it's the fact that I restarted my diet yesterday again.. the eggs the bacon the salad and yeap even that yucky grapefruit juice. Maybe on this diet my vitamins aren't giving me all my body really needs. Like fruit and milk.

Yesterday I baked a cake, yellow with choc pudding swirls. I also made banana jello. I'm attempting to make BBQ ribs for supper 2nite, with southwestern baked potato casserole. My aunt told me how she makes um but it sounds to easy to be good but what the hell I don't remember how I made them the last time besides on the grill. My oldest son is funny when he was round 7 and I made them he'd say I want that food that you eat like cavemen. Cuz I told him he didn't have to use silverware and just pick it up and chow down. Funny the things you tell kids to get them to eat. Like brocolli is little trees, and my meatloaf last week was just a giant baked hamburger with ketchup... hehehe :)

100 Things About Me!

DONE

All I have to say is I'm done! I completed the 100 things about me. It really sucked twards the end you can't really write it in one sitting at least I couldn't. But you can read it on the links on the left side under More of Me. Nite

Old Chat Buddies

Temp: 9 Degrees

Today I check my old email account something I have to do at least once a week of it's full of spam so I did my weekly sweep of messages and came across 5 emails from friends from the old chat room days of our lives. OMG it brought such a smile to my face to hear from several of them and remembered back to when the friends in that room I considered better friends then the ones I had around daily in my life at that time. I thought about each person and the relationship I had with them and what fun we had chattin till all hours of the night. We had a huge group of us "regulars" some closer than others.. a few real relationships formed outside the room even! It was like a soap within a soap. I remember when non-reg's would come in and ask about the real show and they'd be like quit chatting this is a Dool room... your sopose to be talking about that.. which we did but again more within our own soap. Ohhh the good ole days. I do miss many of them. I still remember some BDay like Vody's last month bet she can legally drink that vodka now... and Mrs B and her beanies. And nurse did she graduate from nursing school? Starfish is adopting 2 boys! If I had more time I could write about everyone and how ghost used to scare me and ramboduck sent me my 1st email other than real people I knew. McWinnie had babys and Momgeff is still online too! Wonder if Rockin Chuck is still rockin? Mob 1st person to tell me it's light in AK at night... chacha and her sexy email sig's I was jealous of.. Pigs in canada with her pig collection.. Stoner proud papa always sending pic's of his daughter.. Ohhh yeah I miss those days.

Tuesday, February 25, 2003

Another One

RE: post below..
Thought of this one earlier today while driving with my daughter with the sun shinning in her eyes...

I used to believe cuz my Mom would say.. Don't stare at the sun or you will go blind. If ever I caught myself looking up at the sun I'd think of my mom's saying and get scared.. and avoided looking at the sun at all costs.

Another funny thing I remember reading the signs at stores that said "Shoplifters will be prosecuited" I thought for the longest time that meant "Shoplifters will be exicuited- (Shoot on site)" Like there was a fireing squad avaliable to shoot you if you got caught. It really stopped me from ever doing it at least!

Hehehe these are kinda fun to remember... anyone else got any? Comment or let me know!

I Used to Believe

You have to check out this site called i used to believe it is too funny. It is a collection of all kinds of categories of topics of things real people used to think about how things worked at one point of time in their lives. Funny to read and check it out if you have time for a laugh.

On that note it's got me thinking of things I used to believe when i was young a few popped into mind I'm sure I have a hundred others but these stick out.

When I was young I remember thinking if my dad or brother pee'd in the toilet and I pee'd after then without flushing that if somehow the toilet water would splash up onto my privates I'd get pregnant cuz they were boys. LMAO..

I also remember when I was in 2nd grade a friend told me if you didn't get your period you were pregnant. I thought for months I was having a baby and cried and cried and finally my mom got it out of me and I sat down and told her I was having a baby cuz I hadn't had it yet..

My mom used to always yell.. don't jump or sit on the arms of the couch they will bust off or fall off. So I was always scared to sit on or near the ends of couchs or even touch the arms of chairs for fear they'd fall off.

I used to believe that if anyone said "Hell" you were going there, but with the exception of our minister.. it was OK for him cuz he had to teach us... I also thought if you said any swear words you were damned to hell as well.. and whenever I heard someone swear or say Hell I'd get so scared of them.. and think OMG they're going to hell..

My mom used to say or I thought that who ever died before me was up in heaven watching over us.. and as a teenager.. I used to imagine my relatives watching me thru a cloud in horror and sometimes it scared me or made me feel ashamed and embarrassed at times.

I used to think whatever was on the radio was live. The songs were played by a live band there and that the radio station was this giant place with all kinds of musicians and insturments and they just traveled around to other stations like a job.

Funny isn't it.

No Title Cuz I can't think of One

Most people that regularily read my blog I chat with or have been long time online friends with, but I do know I have many new readers and I'd love to meet ya. Drop me an E-Mail sometime with a hello as I'd love that. I had an experience the other night with a friend that finally told me he reads my blog. I knew it that night b4 he actually told me cuz the odds of him approching me earlier that night with stuff was too much a chance.. but I wasn't 100% sure of course. So how does that make me feel? I liked the fact that he said what was neat about it. He did ask if that will change the way I write and I've been thinking more on this. I hope not.. and don't think so. I mean the way I write and what I write about is just whatever.

I do appreciate the fact that he came forward and told me... just so I could say that I hope nothing I've said has hurt or ever meant to be hurtful or mean or anything it's just the way I felt at that time and this blog is just an expression of my thoughts and not always meant to be serious. I sopose I can write some crazy stuff. But I really want to re-read my past posts now. If I do I may catagorize them. IF big "if" I do I'll read them on the site along with my thoughts. Could be fun. I'm sure a bunch of OMG's and holy shits may go thru my mind. But hey it's me... all me and if ya don't like it as eddie says get the F*^K out my house. hehhee I'm in such a good mood 2day. Sun is shinny and blinding. I wish I had my van hubs took it to work I'd pack the kids up and head up to my brothers for the evening. I think he works anyways but still would be fun. I'm extra horney this afternoon wish hubs was home. I'm feeling funky like I could go out or gotta get out of this place and do something. I think I'm off to clean the house and our room and make it pretty for later with some extra props.. hummmm K

I added some side links of daily todo's website that have topics or questions. Noticed there's nothing On Wed. I could do a wacky Wed. with some crazy questions. Sounds fun I may do that later 2nite. Got any suggestions let me know. Oh yeah and I just leave open the file with the 100 things about me and add them whenever I think of something. You wouldn't think it'd be this hard to write 100 things about yourself but I'm so stuck.

Good Intentions

Temp: -4 Degrees

I had every intention of going to bed with hubs 2nite but he sat and played his new PS2 game till 11 then I wanted to play. His game is actaully pretty cool too considering it's a Big game hunting one. You get to pick what ya want to drive around I picked a snowmobile kinda fun to just drive that around and run over animals and get fined. LOL.

Today was totally unproductive cept for the fact the past hour I spent finally getting the template to work with the archives so I manually don't have to do it ever again.. it will automatically update the links to my old pages YEAH I'm so happy I could have a party.

I don't know what to write cuz I don't have any personal feelings or conflicts within myself going on. Must be bored or something I guess. My water areobics class is over so I don't have that to do anymore but still wanna hit the gym tomorrow to start the free weights and work my way back up. The whole diet thing sux. The past 2 weeks I havn't really cheated much just here and there but never a lot.. but I just can't force myself to drink that crappy grapefruit juice or salads anymore at home. I think March 1st though I'm going to have to crack the whip again and stick to it for a good 3 weeks again. That will be a prefect time to go off again cuz the week I have off work in March we plan on going away but not sure yet where or any details. We had wanted to hit the big city but I'm rethinking the entire thing for several reasons. But nothing for sure.

Didn't get ahold of my bro. Didn't write any letters nor call my mom either.. see I had good intentions earlier just didn't feel like doing a dang thing.. but the usual household crap I do everyday. I worked a little on the 100 things about me that I started awhile ago.. the I've seen on 100 other blogs.. but am stuck on #64... 36 to go.. hard to write about yourself like that.

Since I'm so bored why not some good ole Tea Leaves reading ... LOL think this is fun...

Near the top of the cup I see an arrow, a symbol of action. An unexpected life path will present itself to you shortly. I also see a snake, symbolic of wisdom. The truth is usually in plain sight, but you need to have your eyes open.

Closer to the bottom of the cup I see a fork, symbolic of two paths. Ignore advice from others around you for the moment. Heed only that which sounds right to your heart. I also see a zebra. Another may not understand your actions right now. Be patient and in time, your bonds with another may grow stronger.

All the shapes reveal themselves in a clear clockwise spiral within the cup. Your future is moving quickly toward you. The letter J is apparent in the cup. Someone with this initial may offer you a chance at a new beginning.

OK that was werid.. Now for my fortune Cookie reading.. LOL silly things

Before you know it someone inspiring will be the bearer of a reason for doubt.

Today's advice: Return your phone calls.

That one's different.. but the phone calls are true I gotta make some tomorrow. OK last but not least my horoscope sillies.

Donít stop being a friend to someone who really loves and needs you. A senior citizen may be ill, and needs your attention.

Naaa I'd never stop being a friend to anyone I don't think.. well maybe.. I don't know depends on what they'd do to make me not wanna be their friend. I guess yeah I could stop but would give them a couple chances 1st. As far as an ill senior citizen, makes me want to say it was my great grandpa's 96th Birthday today! Wow.

Monday, February 24, 2003

Cousin sent me emails with some funny "blowie" pictures you can see them by clicking here or on the left side link to my Emails anytime.

Ya know what's really pissin me off. Is the fact I can't figure out why when I try to republish my archives they do not update with my current template. Anyone else ever have this problem? the last time all my archives were updated together and correctly was Jan 25th. So all archives before that up until even know will remain the same as they were went I first published them. So when I change my formats or templates and try to republish all my old pages with the current template it won't. I've been struggling to fix this for a week now and I'm getting frustrated when I can't figure something out. But I've giving up now.. I have to at least for the week. Cuz I don't know what else to do.

Monday Madness

Temp: 1 Degree

It's that time of the week to call my mom. After the working weekends and activities I usually don't talk to her and make a point to call her on Mondays. My grandmother came by for an hour during lunch and ate with us. She brought the kids Banana's and almost 99 % of the time when she comes to visit she always brings a banana. I don't think there has been many times that she's forgotten and will even make a special trip to the store before coming over if she didn't have any at home. It's funny the kids run to her like always but my baby will wait until she sits down and then go to her purse and dig around knowing she's got some nana's.. and he's so smiley.

Wonder what my bro's up to.. gotta call him tonight and also write his GF who's address I have now too! I have a couple pictures to send her of her bday and with the kids. Hubby woke up last night when I got into bed and was pissy at me. I was up so late. it was kinda funny cuz when he went to bed at midnight and I was starting the new game he said Don't stay up now till 4am playing the game you don't have to beat it in one night. And I was sitting there thinking FO I'm an adult if I wanna stay up til 4am I will stay up till 4am.. your not my dad. So just to defy him I did.. well I didn't actually sit and plan to stay up that late but he woke up and when he said don't be crabby and tired tomorrow.. whatever like I'm not up everynight til 3ish or 4 or whenever and I still get up at 9 with the kids. I must not need sleep like he does. Then again I don't work and it's my night off wtf? I figure he gets off work and home at 5.. he's up till usually 11. Say I get home at Midnightish I should stay up til 5 then right?? LOL and mornings he sleeps in on weekends till 9 and usually gets up by 5am during work weeks he gets 4 extra hours of sleep on Sat's and Sun's.. so If I was to get 4 extra hours of sleep on weekends that'd be like Noon. But you'll seldom find me ever sleeping that long.

I guess the whole point was I didn't like being told I have to go to bed like I'm a little kid. And I'm not tired a bit but still didn't like his comment and makes me wanna be pissy tonight and act tired just cuz he told me I"m going to be? What's wrong with me? LOL Noo I won't. But I am going to tell him I do not like to be told what I can and can not do. I don't tell him to get up or go to bed. I figure he's an adult and if he only gets 3 hours of sleep and has to work 10 hours the next day and wants to be tired it's his problem but I won't put up with him being crabby tired when he gets home whinning how tired he is. It's all your own fault.. as is mine if I was tired but I wouldn't take it out on anyone.

Whatever I don't know what I'm talking about. Just funny his little comments sometimes tic me off. Funny I wonder if I can ever really be mad at him. Ya know I try or may talk but when it comes down to it I'm laughin inside cuz it's so damn dumb when I do try to be mad. And he never takes me serious cuz my little smirk always shows. And I can try to pout like I'm upset and always end up smiling. SO of well funny it is.

I got to thinking about re-reading my posts last night. Why I don't. Why I'd want to. I usually never go back and read my archives unless I'm looking for a website I posted awhile ago or something... but I feel what I write at the time I write it is how I felt at the time and some not-so-nice things I don't want to relive or feel again. I do think way into my future it will be fun and why I keep them around.

Well I'm off for a snooze since the kids are nappin. What am I making for supper 2nite??? I havn't given it a thought yet.

Welcome jack

Temp: -6 Degrees

WELCOME JACK !!!

Just a little welcome to my great friend who I could be mad at but of course am not... Enjoy but be aware I'm pretending your not there...

The rest of my message will be short and sweet and very very general cuz it's just to darn late. I had a great day wathcing and spending time with my oldest son J who wrestled 2day and got 2nd place. He's not into wrestling as much this year as the past but he's doing great and I'm not going to tell him what to do. I'd be just as proud as if he got last place cuz he always does his best as I always want him to! And he's a happy kid I'm so proud of! Anyways that was fun. We had a new babysitter to watch the little ones who turned out to be just great and the kids really liked her. It was the 1st match this year hubs and I could go to together and just enjoy without having to entertain the little ones and miss most the tournements.

Work went OK.. I got there late which always throws ya off a bit cuz it's just hard to walk in and jump in and not feeling myself withsomeone still bothers me a bit but another story another time when I have some. I did get an eval 2nite.. My bosses were cool and I'm glad we had that chat.. but hummmm what are the chances of that. LOL it wasn't as if I was after that by my feelings and especially my comments last night but was nice to hear I do a good job! Always makes ya feel better specially when there has been things going on at work that just make ya feel like crap sometimes. I could go on about that I'm sure for awhile but actaully I'm tired.. I actually think I can drift off 2nite in 2 seconds. But never fear I'll be back tomorrow I'm sure. But nothing beats my late night writings for a ear full of feelings. My daytime is too fulfilled with fun with others.. Until then Peace and Goodnight!

PS2 - LOTR the Two Towers is so far GREAT! ( i just got that game today)

Sunday, February 23, 2003

CONFLICT Again:(
Temp: 1 Degree


What a night! It was pretty slow lots of things going on 2nite. Had a nice day home slept in although it doesn't feel like it cuz I've been really tired 2nite. I have a major conflict thing of feelings going on 2day that I don't know what to think about. At work I'm locking my till up now.. just to stay on the safe side. Makes me feel safer yet I feel like a security guard at the franklin mint co. or something. I worked at a bank for 6 1/2 years and never had to lock up my drawer nor felt funny about leaving it. I feel like I can't pea and be safe stupid I know. Key helps but it's a pain in the ass. At 1st it was more cuz I felt like I had to lock it up every transaction. After a bit I just let it go knowing I'd be there and if I had to leave I'd lock it.. No problem.. But what if a night comes along I'm super busy and I tend to think of customers rather that run back and lock it.. what if I ever forget or mess up or whatever.. or think I did lock it last and didn't and well whatever. HATE this situation that it puts me in and feeling. Too bad. I try to not make it avaliable or accessiable or whatever.. I feel like it's my fault of course.. I mean what if I didn't go upstairs to get them last night.. or what if I didn't run to the bathroom that time.. or get that salad or silverware or whatever. I don't like to feel like I'm babysitting people I'm sopose to trust and work with. I dont' like the position they put upon me and feelings. I've had this converstation with myself many times. The 1st time it upset me so that I cried and cried and hubs was upset and made me feel worse. I try not to get emotional over it or upset but I can't help it... I try to leave my job at work.. my personal problems at home.. and do good at that.. cept for here online my journal.. you get to hear it all.

I do not think it's a personal attack against me like I have before. I understand people have problems but how far and long is that to go. I do not feel it's fair to me who is doing my job right and fair or others for that matter. I mean I have a heart.. but I wouldn't have time nor money to throw away on someone who doesn't show the same respect I give them. I respect my employeers and feel if I am giving it my best and being honest I inturn will be shown and given the same respect back. Isn't that what you want.. specially in a job. How does anyone expect to be rewarded or feel rewarded by doing something dishonest? It isn't the way I want to live nor could I sleep at night knowing I did something so dishonest.

Lets take gambling for a topic. People throw 20 after 20's in machines they never really get ahead in.. specially if they play all the time. NO way. I remember when I was a single mom.. eating lunch one day at a bar and grill with some co-workers watching a mother with her 4 year old son wearing a old raggedy coat and shitty shoes in a bar... while the mom sat at a machine putting twenty after 20 in. Never winnning. And I thought take that 20 and buy you son a coat.. some nice shoes.. OMG you could buy so much that obviously needed like a hair cut or something. I remember a guy I dated took me to a casino once.. he only played dollar slots. And I think that night he blew $500 bucks. Total turn off.. With $500 again being single mom would provide me with like a years worth of groceries... then some. Then you have people now days that put everything they make in there.. I don't even care to hear how broke they are it disgusts me now. Maybe as a friend its' my responsibility to tell her but I have. For awhile she'd hand me her tips and say I'm only taking $5 don't let me spend the rest.. or hide the rest in my purse..And I would but that lasted a week. I've told her she has a problem many times and how my uncle died at age 38 cuz of the stress and money problems he had cuz of those damn machines.

Then I think if it' wasn't those it would be something else. Some people have no concept of it I don't think. I even stress you spend $50 a day.. think 5 days a week I know she plays.. that's $250 a week.. $1000 a month.. what could you do with that. OMG it's insane. OK so you might win $125 whoopiee.. it goes right back in the machine eventually ya know it does. And say tips.. say ya average $30 a night.. OK that's low.. but I dont' ever make that much.. but say someone does. That's $150 a week.. $600 a month. WOW.. plus regular pay.. that's good money for 30 some hours a week or less. Do the math.. think of what you could have. Maybe these people don't have goals or want nice things or have no life.. I dont' know I dont' get it. Obviously not happy... but when it turns to making you dishonest and doing evil things I don't realize how someone could go home at night and try to sleep knowing deep down they did something wrong.

I do know someone 2nite felt somewhat that way. I went to unlock the drawer and right away she goes.. was your till off again? I took a deep breathe and said Yeap I think so cuz they want me to lock it up. I couldn't look her in the eye but didn't treat her different or angry like.. like i have in the past. The rest of the night she avoided me I felt.. didn't eat out there.. didn't stay after work for a drink just left.. didn't even come around for a smoke.. hummm... Then another waitress seen me unlocking it and says Why are you doing that??? Then I felt dumb like she's thinking I did something wrong.. that part of it I hate. I dont' want other co-workers to feel they can't trust me or that my owners don't. I hate feeling that way.

Is any job worth feeling like shit at??? I know I'm not doing anything wrong so that helps for my own sanity but still the thought of others thinking that hurts me.. upsets me.. pisses me off. It should. I didn't do anything wrong. I just told her I was just told to keep it locked up.. and smiled.. she didn't ask like T why but still wondered if she thinks bad of me.. sux.

Again my bosses must be very compasionate people. I know I would not be so forgiving. i would not feel it's fair to those that are effected by it and being honest and respectable.. Not that I'm pissy I have to lock my till... it's the whole entire picture. It isn't right.. and people that break the rules of friendship and work and all that stuff should be held accountable for their actions.. Looking the other way.. just tells them that it is OK... and inturn not helping them at all.. just feeding the fire that burns their souls in hell. LOL I'm mean. Noo.. that's pretty harsh of me.. But dangit.. If my child bite another kid.. and I looked the other way and didn't care.. I'm telling my kids it's OK to hurt others... and bite everyone. I feel same goes with dishonest people. If you look away your saying its OK.. that's they hardest part for me cuz for me not to say how I feel or just smile and act like nothing is wrong is just NOT helping them in the long run. Although I have many doubts that this person can be helped. They'd find another way or job and do the same thing eventually. Sad...

I just feel that I dont' feel "safe" in a mental way. I hate going into work feeling like that. Obviously their isn't anything anyone can really do about it.. but lays all the responsibilitiy on me.. alone with the till. I don't know if I want that responsibility anymore knowing someone is out there that can do this shit to me. Do ya blame me??? I mean if theres a will there a way or just that one time I might forget.. OMG I just can't ever forget.

I really love my job. I love the people I work for and with. I don't want to have to quit over something I can't controll with confidence.. and instead feel threatened and accused. There isn't alot of praise at my job... sometimes ya go home and ya feel like whoopiee who cares.. at least at my shity job at the bank I felt important. You'd have reviews and nice comments and your superviosers would give ya incentives and make ya feel good about your work and performance and job. Maybe I suck. I know some nights at work are so nuts.. so crazy i'm spinning and never has anyone said You kicked ass 2nite.. instead I need a drink.. I need a CC coke.. I need a Bud.. I get people feeling good I guess.. with some alchol. Maybe its not rewarding enough for me. I like to think people are out enjoying themselves and getting a good meal.. customers make me feel good!!! Yeah.. they do!! Maybe I'm just feeling down cuz I'm blaming myself for giving someone the chance to do that again. Playing it over and over in my head what if this .. or what if that.. or whatever. BUT AMY.. you didn't do it.. I did not physically reach my hand in and take anything someone else did. And I can't controll that I had to pea.. or get a frickin salad.. now did I??? Stupid questioning myself again.. I shouldn't have to feel like I can't trust anyone.. I guess this key will help my sanity.. or maybe make me more insane worring about that. LOL OMG Grrrrrr $%*@*)#($*)%

Last weekend B was the bar waitress and I made a point 2nite to tell her she kicked ass last weekend and did great! I think praise goes a long way and not even for the job.. but just as a person. I mean it isn't like people are going to say That Michelob Light was awesome thank you. LOL.. I mean I get compliments on drinks a lot specially on my Long islands. I dont' know what the hell I'm talking about or point I'm trying to make.. nutty. I can't even think anymore. I'm going to bed have to watch J wrestle tomorrow I'm going to enjoy my day I hope. Yeap I will. And when we get back and I have to go to work I hope I get this icky upsetting feeling out of my system. And that I can walk in the door actually happy to be there like I used to. And get this damned negative feelings out. Be postive tomorrow is a new day... Gotta tell myself good things. I am a good person.. I like people.. I do the best I can do under whatever circumstance I am under. I am a happy person. I like to laugh. I treat others as I would like to be treated.. Smile Bright Look up and be proud of who you are and what you stand for. SMILE again.. close your eyes.. Take a deep breathe and think of those you love.. Smile again. Ohhh I feel so much better!!! Life is good and wonderful and full of great things.. breathe them all in and exhale the bad. In with the good.. out with the bad.. isnt' that from a movie????? It works.. for me at least. K nite :) :) :)