Just blog of emails I get and files and jokes and stuff of that nature
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Twilights Emails Jokes & Files
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Friday, March 28, 2003
Been awhile huh
Posted by Twilight at 22:56
Tuesday, March 04, 2003
LMAO at this one :)
This guy calls 911.
"Hello, is this the RCMP?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor, Mike Fitzpatric!
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the RCMP officers descended on Mike's house.
They searched the shed where the firewood was kept.
Using axes, they busted open every piece of wood but found no
marijuana. They swore at Mike and left.
The next day the phone rang at Mike's house.
"Hey, Mike! Did the RCMP come to your house?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, Buddy"
_____________
This is pretty funny, so sit back, relax, and enjoy.
> >1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your
> >house faster than an ambulance.
> >
> >2. Only in America......are there handicap
> >parking places in front of a skating rink/skate park.
> >
> >3. Only in America......do drugstores make the
> >sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get
> >their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
> >cigarettes at the front.
> >
> >4. Only in America......do people order double
> >cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
> >
> >5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors
> >open and then chain the pens to the counters.
> >
> >6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth
> >thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our
> >useless junk in the garage.
> >
> >7. Only in America......do we use answering machines
> >to screen calls and then have call waiting so we
> >won't miss a call from someone we didn't want
> >to talk to in the first place.
> >
> >8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in
> >packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
> >
> >9. Only in America......do we use the word
> >'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in
> >Latin meaning 'many'and 'tics' meaning
> >'bloodsucking creatures'.
> >
> >10. Only in America......do they have drive-up
> >ATM machines with Braille lettering.
> >
> >EVER WONDER ~~~~
> >
> >Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our
> >skin?
> >
> >Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth
> >closed?
> >
> >Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins
> >Lottery"?
> >
> >Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
> >
> >Why is it that doctors call what they do
> >"practice"?
> >
> >Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to
> >click on "Start"?
> >
> >Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor,
> >and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
> >
> >Why is the man who invests all your money called
> >a broker?
> >
> >Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic
> >called rush hour?
> >
> >Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
> >
> >When dog food is new and improved tasting, who
> >tests it?
> >
> >Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
> >
> >Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal
> >injections?
> >
> >You know that indestructible black box that is
> >used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole
> >plane out of that stuff?
> >
> >Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
> >
> >Why are they called apartments when they are all
> >stuck together?
> >
> >If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the
> >opposite of progress?
> >
> >~~~~~
> >
> >
> >In case you needed further proof that the
> >human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some
> >actual label instructions on consumer goods.
> >
> >On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
> >( and that's the only time I have to work on my
> >hair.)
> >
> >On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No
> >purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter
> >special?)
> >
> >On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like
> >regular soap." (and that would be how??...)
> >
> >On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion:
> >Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion.)
> >
> >On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
> >"Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late,
> >huh!)
> >
> >On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will
> >be hot after heating."(...and you thought????...)
> >
> >On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron
> >clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more
> >time?)
> >
> >On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a
> >car or operate machinery after taking thismedication."
> >(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction
> >accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with
> >head-colds off those forklifts.)
> >
> >On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
> >(and... I'm taking this because???....)
> >
> >On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor
> >or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
> >
> >On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the
> >other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this.
> >I'm a bit curious.)
> >
> >On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
> >(talk about a news flash)
> >
> >
> >On an American Airlines packet of nuts "Instructions:
> >Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly
> >Delta?)
> >
> >On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this
> >garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame
> >the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
> >
> >On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain
> >with your hands or genitals" (..was there a lot of
> >this happening somewhere?)
Posted by Twilight at 21:01
Monday, February 24, 2003
How about this version of a blow job? I personally like the one below much better...
Posted by Twilight at 16:45
Gotta love this picture...
Posted by Twilight at 16:40
...
Posted by Twilight at 16:38
Wednesday, February 19, 2003
The Why's of Men
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
> > > > > > > >(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
> > > > > > > > (they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
> > > > > > > > (they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
> > > > > > > >(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
5. WHY DON'T WOMEN HAVE MEN'S BRAINS?
> > > > > > > > (because they don't have penises to put them in)
6. WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN COMMON?
> > > > > > > > (they're intended for children, but men usually play with them)
7. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
> > > > > > > > ( because their balls fall over their assholes and they vaporlock)
8. WHY DO MEN MASTURBATE?
> > > > > > > >(it is sex with someone they love)
9. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
> > > > > > > > (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)
10. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
> > > > > > > > (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
11. WHY IS A MAN'S PEE YELLOW AND HIS SPERM WHITE?
> > > > > > > > (so he can tell if he's coming or going)
12. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
> > > > > > > > (don't know...... it never happened)
Posted by Twilight at 22:14
Two women went out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back,>right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them. The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself. The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the lookout, it seems that these two were up to no good last night; my wife came home without her panties..." The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her behind that read, "We will never forget you."
Posted by Twilight at 22:10
Tuesday, February 18, 2003
These are little flash movies my aunt and uncle send me all the time.. You have to click on the link to open the page note page download time may vary depending on your internet connection. Note: will take a moment to load.
White Trash Christmas
LMAO this one is too funny I like the little dog humping everything worth your wait for the download.
Mind Reader
This is neat but I figured it out.
Play with a Pussy
Meow..
Titties N Beer
LOL kinda funny like the pictures with the music on this
Saggy Boobs
LMAO at this one I don't think I'll ever have to worry about this.
HangaRoo
This is a program download you can save it to your documents or whatever and play it anytime you like. It's a game like Wheel of Fortune.
Posted by Twilight at 12:33
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar but says, "What the heck, I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?
The customer says, "Look, I'm just not into that. All I want is a drink." The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis."
So the customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The gentleman with a smile looks back and says, "TIMEX."
The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"
A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity marguerita. "So, what do you call your penis?" The other gentleman turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD."
The customer thinks how this naming thing works and says, "Because quality is Job 1?" The gentleman replies, "No. Let me ask you, Have you driven a Ford lately?"
Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me my beer."
The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?" The customer replies, "Strong enough for a man but made for a woman."
Posted by Twilight at 12:15
Monday, February 17, 2003
7 Reasons Men wear clothes:
Jokes I just Got in Email
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.
There is a Wal-Mart associate standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me, Sir ... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.
She didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a good all around rod and reel, and it cost $20.00."
She says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register, she bends down to get her purse and farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50. And thank you for shopping Wal-Mart."
An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes zee bull wins."
Posted by Twilight at 23:01
Trial posting just to see how this things works
Posted by Twilight at 22:41
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