Just blog of emails I get and files and jokes and stuff of that nature
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Twilights Emails Jokes & Files
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Saturday, March 29, 2003
Been awhile huh
Posted by Twilight at 00:56
Tuesday, March 04, 2003
LMAO at this one :)
This guy calls 911.
"Hello, is this the RCMP?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor, Mike Fitzpatric!
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the RCMP officers descended on Mike's house.
They searched the shed where the firewood was kept.
Using axes, they busted open every piece of wood but found no
marijuana. They swore at Mike and left.
The next day the phone rang at Mike's house.
"Hey, Mike! Did the RCMP come to your house?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, Buddy"
_____________
This is pretty funny, so sit back, relax, and enjoy.
> >1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your
> >house faster than an ambulance.
> >
> >2. Only in America......are there handicap
> >parking places in front of a skating rink/skate park.
> >
> >3. Only in America......do drugstores make the
> >sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get
> >their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
> >cigarettes at the front.
> >
> >4. Only in America......do people order double
> >cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
> >
> >5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors
> >open and then chain the pens to the counters.
> >
> >6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth
> >thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our
> >useless junk in the garage.
> >
> >7. Only in America......do we use answering machines
> >to screen calls and then have call waiting so we
> >won't miss a call from someone we didn't want
> >to talk to in the first place.
> >
> >8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in
> >packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
> >
> >9. Only in America......do we use the word
> >'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in
> >Latin meaning 'many'and 'tics' meaning
> >'bloodsucking creatures'.
> >
> >10. Only in America......do they have drive-up
> >ATM machines with Braille lettering.
> >
> >EVER WONDER ~~~~
> >
> >Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our
> >skin?
> >
> >Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth
> >closed?
> >
> >Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins
> >Lottery"?
> >
> >Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
> >
> >Why is it that doctors call what they do
> >"practice"?
> >
> >Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to
> >click on "Start"?
> >
> >Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor,
> >and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
> >
> >Why is the man who invests all your money called
> >a broker?
> >
> >Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic
> >called rush hour?
> >
> >Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
> >
> >When dog food is new and improved tasting, who
> >tests it?
> >
> >Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
> >
> >Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal
> >injections?
> >
> >You know that indestructible black box that is
> >used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole
> >plane out of that stuff?
> >
> >Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
> >
> >Why are they called apartments when they are all
> >stuck together?
> >
> >If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the
> >opposite of progress?
> >
> >~~~~~
> >
> >
> >In case you needed further proof that the
> >human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some
> >actual label instructions on consumer goods.
> >
> >On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
> >( and that's the only time I have to work on my
> >hair.)
> >
> >On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No
> >purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter
> >special?)
> >
> >On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like
> >regular soap." (and that would be how??...)
> >
> >On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion:
> >Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion.)
> >
> >On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
> >"Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late,
> >huh!)
> >
> >On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will
> >be hot after heating."(...and you thought????...)
> >
> >On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron
> >clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more
> >time?)
> >
> >On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a
> >car or operate machinery after taking thismedication."
> >(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction
> >accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with
> >head-colds off those forklifts.)
> >
> >On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
> >(and... I'm taking this because???....)
> >
> >On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor
> >or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
> >
> >On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the
> >other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this.
> >I'm a bit curious.)
> >
> >On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
> >(talk about a news flash)
> >
> >
> >On an American Airlines packet of nuts "Instructions:
> >Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly
> >Delta?)
> >
> >On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this
> >garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame
> >the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
> >
> >On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain
> >with your hands or genitals" (..was there a lot of
> >this happening somewhere?)
Posted by Twilight at 23:01
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