Writing about my life and things in it and what I think

Saturday, March 20, 2004


Gotta weird icky feeling going on right now, like that ya feel like somethings not right or your feeling funky like something really wrong yet everything seems sane and OK and right. Still I can't shake it, came home after a while cuddled up with hubs and left thinking nope that didn't help he didn't even wake up nor did anything I really say phase him. Oh well. Sure it's nothing. I'm maybe feeling bored I wanted so much to cuddle up and watch a movie or something but he's like a log, lays there not moving and just rolls. Oh well again...

I guess I havn't really felt I've had much conversation with anyone that I really care about latley. General shit I guess nothing too personal just little Hiya's and howya doings. Just like My bloggin it's like I don't want to go deep into anything and why I don't know but maybe I'm afraid of talking about anything?? Hahaha stupid. typing that out makes me think i'm like duh.. dumb. Seems like everyone I want to talk to just come back with snap backs and snotty comments and I always thought I was a person that loves input and more views and sides to things, yet I find myself feeling like negative vibes, well not vibes but reactions to anything and everything I say. Makes me not want to say anything at all. Hard to talk to people sometimes that your looking to just listen I wonder if I do that to people? One of my new years resolutions was to listen more.. be a listerner more than a talker and I've really been trying that. But with like Hubs if I didn't talk 1st we'd never talk about anything really. Silly ...

Guess I'll just talk the small talk till I can't talk no more. Having one of those I have NO IDEA moments going on. OK since hubs won't wake up I'm going back to our room shutting the door and hoggin the entire bed to myself. I'm off to read a little tata for now...

Friday, March 19, 2004

Where to Start

It's been so long since I've wrote I don't know where to start with what I've been feeling/thinking. Hard to start cuz as always I don't have much time here so I tend to stay off deep thought/thinking/writing topics for lack of time. Kids during the day have my full attention plus if anyone's on the puter during the day it's usually my duaghter for 30 minutes in the morning and an occassional pre-K game after/during rest time.

She's a wiz online already. Finds all her sites and pops around all over like PBS Kids or NickJr. even the cartoon network sites she explains to me how to play games and stuff she's been doing this since she was 3 too... it's crazy how smarty she can be but refuses to write her name but knows all the letters of the alphabet by sound as well as sight. Stubborn as a bull she is, I explain how important it is to write and work on writing not skipping the writing and just jumps to reading. Such little personalities and how determined she can be it's funny... but totally for the past 3 weeks anti-writing on her homestudies I do with her. I am hoping it's a phase but thinking I am going to have to incorperate a different plan or make her believe in a different way of thinking so she will start get back to doing her studies. She just wants to do crafts and paint and creative thought lessons and such. Going to take Z back to speech next week I think he understands me totally and hears us I know maybe not as well as he should/ or maybe he does next hearing test next wed if Dr. has enuf appt's here.

He's the one that I can't controll. Nothing seems to phase this kid, sleepless nights ... it's OK, no schedule.. even better he tends to be the one that just thiniking doing his own thing is the way to go I think, cuz he's all that and then some. It's so damn cute yet you know there has to be rules and lines to not cross. He's like 3 kids in one somedays bouncing round one second, pissy and throwing something while running to give ya a cuddle and when he's getting a lecture from me.. OMG this is to funny cuz I wish everyone could see it, but he has this smirk and smile and rolls his eyes up and tilts his head and his little mouth mimic's crabby looking lip thing and so many times I crack laughing which I KNOW our entire family agrees we can't laugh at him, cuz he's a little joker and kidder and he knows he's cute but jeezzzz it's too funny. I want to be able to close my eyes and remember that look forever cuz it just makes me smile and want to hug and hold him.

Got home hubs up talked to his Dad who's very ill, for many years and back in the hospital, wantas to give up and die can't do anything and in more pain, he has enfazima OK I suck at spelling.. but I can't think this late so oh well. Hubs wishes he could take off for weekend and visit I told him to go for it. Doubt he will though.

I should really get to bed kids up at the but crack of dawn these days and think we're going to grandma's tomorrow morning for coffee/rolls. I'll maybe write more when I get time... specially since I have a million things flying thru my head these days. Exciting times. :)K bye