Writing about my life and things in it and what I think

Friday, December 05, 2003

Xmas Lists

Ohhhh yeah and since Xmas is coming Thought I'd share some Wish lists I'm on. Lets see Amazon is my favorite place to buy books and stuff, although I'm registered on other places and book websites and clothing places amazon has a bit of everything for the entire family. Wish lists are not only great to share with family and friends specially my mom.. but nice for me to click add to my wish list so when I do find a book or something I just have to have but can't afford or waiting to order until I have more time I just click add to my wish list and can come back and order it then.

Amazon Wish List

Out the Window

Our Xmas Tree 2003Ever just want to throw your puter out the window? I'm not a chat junkie anymore like I used to be b4 at all. I barley talk but once a week to my old chat buddies and it's usually bounceing jokes back and forth by email, most my males friends I've lost touch with and my Internet GF are still fun, yet not the same, but I don't miss that... I still find myself wasting time sitting here, not that I feel that way about journaling.. cuz I like that I can use this as means to sort stuff out and I find theraputic in other ways personally, but there is a million things I could/should be doing around here but I'm drawn to designing this.. making scrapbooks of my photo's editing photo's... dream shopping online, ebay, web surfing entirely from site to site just browsing and b4 ya know it 2 1/2 hours have passed when you just started out sitting down to write you mom an email and b4 ya know it it's 2am again. I'm feeling disorganized and scattered and not quite sure of myself, or anyone or thing in my life and it's driving me kinda nutty.

I'm thinking I need to come up with some plan for myself 1st off to overcome this feeling and more so get together with the family and have like a family discussion meeting or something where at least us parents and older children can say how they're feeling and give there thoughts... and maybe once a month do something special all together and also do one on one's more. I don't know for sure what's needed to help right now and frankly I'm kinda at a loss of thoughts 2nite.

My Mom did call quick 2nite to just say 99% chance they will be here for Xmas :) YEAH... I sopose I"m off to email her some pic's of our Xmas tree we put up and the kids, ohh and on our tree we have a little train that rides along a track 3/4 the way up the tree.. . it's so cute the kids just love it it chugs and smokes and whistles as it goes around... but it does get annoying and my baby wants it on all the time.

Thursday, December 04, 2003

Trouble on the Home Front

I don't know what to do about this anymore but it can't keep going the way it goes. I don't even feel safe going to work and leaving hubs home with the kids cuz it's such hell on him and inturn on everyone in the house. I get home at 945 and my oldest son is sobing tears cuz thinks dad hates him and said some mean stuff to him and hubs acting a two year old when i ask him about what happened he's all it's all his fault like his a frickin 2 year old yelling and throwing stuff it's his fault.. ..OMG he's an 11 year old boy.. and shhhhh biting my lip .. . omg such pissyness feelings going on right now at him... and it's been festering for a couple months and not getting any better and I don't know what to do about it all.

I know it's stressful taking care of kids and hubs after working all day is tired and I'm so sick of his comments toward me and working nights I just don't know what to think or how to solve this, I don't feel I should have to give up anything I like for him, BUT I would and will if it continues to effect my children... I thought about night daycare but there is no one that watches kids at night and another thing about being home my 3 nights is cuz during the school year I only get to spend what little time's left with my oldest son those 3 nights.. between cooking supper, dishes, baths and bedtime with the little ones I barely get to say BOO to J... and I am sure he's feeling left out.. then there are the weekends... but every other is spent at his real dad's.. so really there isn't much time and I know as he's getting older it's getting tuffer.. all round for him... I just don't feel like I have any time left on our nights to do much of anything with him..And hubs 2nite acting a kid really pisses me off and makes me totally feel guilty for leaving my kids home with him.

And I have been tryingto be more positive and helping with suppers b4 work and stuff like that to make it easier on hubs and trying to think of ways to make everyone happy and sometimes it's overwhelming myself and then ya got friends that make ya feel like shit on top of it all. I have to refocus and regroup and put my family 1st and start switching my priorities around I've been a bit selfish myself yes... I need to find what makes me feel content, on that I started realing 'an anxious heart' for some hopefully healing words of wisdom to follow. I'm just feeling bad that my son's feeling so bad latley, and hubs too i guess. I went to bed all week by midnight :) Kids are up between 730-830 now and neither napped today... growing out of naps I think more and getting up earlier makes it tuff on me with them too a bit.. And took me 40 minutes to get home and 30 minutes to get to work in snowy roads and I slide down the hill and had to go up and down the gravel to just get up the hill... maybe i need new tires? Hubs says there's new last year.. Could be me driving too who knows? I better get he's outta the shower now, and i'm just tired.

Final Fantasy X-2

Yeah - I got the 2nd final fantsay 10 Sunday night and am just loving it. It's been probably a year ago I played FFX, and I thought I'd replay the 70plus hours I spent on X again this fall/winter as the summer I'm to busy but was THRILLED to realize the 2nd part of the 1st FF came out and I'm glued. It's awesome and how it's 2 years after the 1st one and your playign thru most of the same areas and such it's great!

Snowed about an inch this afternoon already it's so pretty. We put up our Xmas tree I'll post the pic's later once I update. I went and bought new lights and got rid of the silver tinsel and turned it all to gold and colored lights.. rather than white lights, silver and red. Just had that look for 12 years.. so it's a nice change. Wrapped most the gifts to just have my step daughter to buy for and parents/grandparents/family/friends to do. Bought hubs a Circular Saw and blades for his table saw and I think I'll pick him up a sander yet. OK i better get in the shower Today it's Monday for me and it'll be a long weekend working Mon too.

Monday, December 01, 2003

Panties in the Wind

OMG hahaha inside joke but driving along a gravel road and you look over and see two white underpants flying in the wind hooked to tree branches and you think what??? Someone's out parking having a little fun throwing their undies to the wind .. or what. Of course I can pretty much say yeap, it happens and when it does ohhh lala give me more just something exciting about parking and more so just the details of who your with and how excited that makes ya. OK i can't go onto converstation with all that right now but... .. .. yeah I better go *;) I'll spill more about this later

Sunday, November 30, 2003

Busy as Shit

It's going to be an all nighter I think... taking a break from rollin papers, and I am SOOO tired it's crazy. Poor hubs is out in the garage now putting in a water pump and new belt for my van, leaking bad and part came in the morning and I have to drive to SF in the morning 2 pick up my son so he has to get it in 2nite and I had so hoped to get off early cuz of all this shit to do and then ya know when you really need to get off you end up their longer haha.. kinda sucks, one bad thing bout my job it's like I never know when i'll be off, and you can't make real plans or hope to do anything cuz you just never know so your pretty much tied to it just in case. I did get off an hour early, on a normal night one more hour would be nothing but not 2nite with all this shit to do yet.

Sopose i'll go out and check on hubs and see if he needs any help. I gotta get up and drive 4 hours :( I hate this every other sunday would be different if I could enjoy the time there than rushing home to do the stupid paper route and work. Drop C off at sunday school at 930, SF by 1130.. grab a quick lunch but have to be on the road by 12-1230 the latest to get back by 230 to do route for hour and 1/2 speed doing that to leave for work by 4 hahaha it's crazy and not going to happen anymore He's just going to have to drop his paper-route too much for us on his weekends away and this rolling omg it sucks.. 210 papers for $18.30 I'd rather pay him to not have to do it. I sopose I better go check on him quick and finish up this shit, and hope to get some zzz's b4 long ass day tomorrow and work tomorrow night.

Great my Boss H came down and relieved me 2nite. Was 1:00 and I'm like an extra hour even 2nite will make a huge difference and asked if J could come relieve me but she came back down and said she would how sweet:) :) :) I owe her! He's been out there an hour alone now I best go check on him and hope to god it's all going 2gether right cuz if somethings wrong or breaks it's like a Sunday tomorrow morning and there is like no stores open at all and how would my son get home omg... k i better go

I feel such major stress this week ...