Writing about my life and things in it and what I think

Saturday, May 10, 2003

Get home hoping hubs was still up n out in the garage to break in n celebrate getting his truck running. But I pull up n it's dark.. he's snoring on the couch n my son's just going to bed saying hubs gave up.. keeps finding 100 things wrong. which isn't making any sense to me at all.. and i think the entire engine is a hunk of junk cuz he's had to replace seals n gaskets n some other crap now.. and now some intake n out-take things over heated or something n has to take them off his old engine n put on his new n try to see if it'll convert and use them or something my son didn't quite understand but earlier I called home to see if he got it running cuz if so he was going to come out or go out with me 2nite n my bro but you could sense in his voice he was upset and was kinda crabby when I left so I was worried it was me.. but why I don't know cuz we always get along fine... N I've been trying to be really suportive n happy round him cuz yeah it's getting to him now and he's pissed.

So I say are you crabby on the phone.. and he's like Ya know.. Amy.. (he never says my name) I am very sorry but yes I am very crabby n upset .. and I was look Ohhhh poor guy. Trying so hard thinks buying a new rebuilt engine would be as simple as dropping it in and rehookin it up.. and yes should've been.. but hasn't been at all and he doesn't know what to do now.. but hire someone to come look at it. I'd rather he tell the guy he got it from to shove it up his ass cuz is a piece of junk.. but hubs the type to think he can fix it.. but it isn't right shouldn't be that much work.

Friday, May 09, 2003

Poem Generator

This website Rob's Poem Generator is too funny you type your website address in and it spiders your account and places your words into a poem. Here's what mine gave. Funny

Twilight of friendship n happy. happy So
I love spring! I like
me. this hour later
I gotta have lots of sex. it Bday My
wife called earlier
2nite... hubs getting fired and
hopefully will be
set me and was
well and the words from people build
back at 12 22 PM ~~ Mondays
Mission :: Two weeks
sucks up at
the jukebox
starts in close like saying like this
dream if givin that new bedroom and I
figure out and sucks up that melt my garden
Buy a freak too..

Geez too late

So I wake up feeling great n playing with the kids all morning n doing some things I go now to sit at my puter while dinner's cooking and OMG I realize or more remember what I wrote last night... Shit.. one of those ya kinda wanted to delete asap but just realized it was too late so what the hell with a little Crap-o-la of well it was me. See it's just the night.. and as always it's a totally different approch n feeling in the mornings. Werid. Noo not totally but it'll get easier. :) But breif seconds of Omg amy what did you write feelings.

I have the hick-ups... had them 2 times already today.. Can you do it?? Yes I can.. refering to restraining myself. Do I want that.. No I don't. Note I'm doing the Bob the Builder theme to this. lol. Hubs out in the garage again.. Too wet to till. Kids playing note: IN THEIR ROOMS whoaaa hardly ever play in their own rooms. 9 days until my Bday. My baby's bday is june 5th... buying for a 2 year old is hard. I could just buy him some dishes n household items n he'd be happy.. since he doesn't seem to be into any certain thing or toy but would rather dig thru cupboard n drawers. hehe he's cute wearing a bowl on his head right now.. see what I mean.

And my left over feelings? I shouldn't say anymore. ok bye

The Wanting

It's just another rainy night without you. Good song n good for the weather here cuz it's what it is.. rainy damp n cool. But it's ok I kinda like it makes ya wanna sleep n cuddle. Speaking of cuddle 2nite was one of those times in your life that you want something so bad but know NO and somehow make it home yet with a major regret yet know it's probably for your own good or more for theirs... 2nite it took all self controll n respect n friendship powers. So I'm sitting there he's talking so nice n I"m thinking so naughty.. n i'm frozen in the words he wrote last week that it can't be done anymore without the other.. I totally understand that n respect that and yet it was Sooo hard.

As he removes his hat n runs his fingers thru his hair my eyes burn with that desire I was talking about a couple weeks ago to just stop time n myself reach over n touch him.. if even ever a second to pacify that urge but Nope I was good. N the smile I talk about in his eyes that melt my insides... breath-taking. Deep breathe in n exhale it out n remember again that NO. And so yearning to turn around n say it just like I want to almost that I need to but run instead knowing it's the right thing for them but the totally wrong thing for me for if it wasn't I wouldn't be feeling the way I feel right now. Ohh I am sure it is something I will get over in time or hope. I mean desire is a pretty strong word I do not use loosely. But the only one I can explain for the way I feel at times. Sometimes I get flustered n can't even talk.. n act so silly cuz my heads with my heart. Or maybe my heads just a gutter.. I dont' know but it's crazy... n I can't stop it n don't want to.. but geez i have to don't i. :(

N it isn't even all naughty thoughts... cuz it's more then that I know that. And another reason it hurts to not be myself n just blurt out all I really want to but self controll is honorable isn't it? Ya know it's hard as hell writing sometimes knowing others read this. And harder yet is knowing that n no response? But then again I do not leave much to say either I sopose. OK so closing my eyes tonight I will dream the sweet dreams of the what ifs n b4's.. n hope that the regrets of the unknown don't 'haunt me cuz of that wanting is so strong. Added drinks do not help a bit.. but burn worse my craving for him... n not just a plain ole roll.. the deepest of passion with hightened delights. Time I did not have and the plan I have in mind.

So my song to you
although unaware..
to proclaim my passion if I dare... with an opened
mind ... if I may
share with you, alone one day. My final calling
upon this late hour. To tell you once, My undieing desire
N show you things as undone b4. Or tell me again to shut this door.
I'm feeling poetic or pathetic or like writing a book. Reminds me back to a time b4 this journal but with the other.. when I wrote to them .. even b4 I knew how far it'd go n just what I would do. The wanting poem I wrote back then.. emerged from a dream long b4 him. Yet writing them then was funny cuz if I had know now what I know I wonder how different it would've been. OK so they had me wrapped in wonder.. n yet this yearning still makes me ponder. Hummm NO.. whoaa I'm gettin mean to myself. Remember those words Yeap.. I am.. Does anyone have a clue what's within? I step to the door my hear is pounding. Seconds remain but I stayed true... to the rules of friendship n what they mean n the words they told me I need to obey. N get my head outta the gutter n find another. As impossible I believe it will ever be... to find another so much like me. I wish I could return now to do it all over... cuz I'd grab them n say things to fullfill this desire, ... once n for-all n leave it at that.. But is it me ? to look the other way I think it can be.. but just not to the point where I want that to be. OK I'm tipsy n talking stupid n I wish they just knew how incrediable hard it was for me to walk out 2nite n just look away with so much to say or more wanting to do. But I do believe that next time it will be just fine n this fire will die. The longing will pass. Desires will deminish.. and I'll be able to obey those words from the otther day. When I told him OK n agreeed to never go there again alone with him... But DAMN... grrr LOL OK enought of my dumb lame ass explaining... Point made. I wanted you sooo bad yet I was sooo good. N it was sooo hard... yet I love ya too much. cuz if givin that permission I don't know what I'd expect n like dear hubs you'd get no rest. Hehehe I'm so silly. K I'm over it for now.. writing releases so much... And when I awake I'll be to that next stage.. And althought I know that end is done.. there is still something I must say. Ode to them.. for another day... as that chapter is soon to come to an end. Endings to chapters in my life can be sad.. yet looking in my past they just open the doors. And with the end there is always peace.. yet the thought now of losing that hurts a lot. OK I'm soo off subject now. K nite.

Thursday, May 08, 2003


OK So I go online and decide to order some new DVDs thru my membership at columbia house and I see Daredevil is coming out I love comic books n super hero's so I get on a kick where I gotta have all those kinda movies. I ordered that n spiderman and X-men 1.5. LMAO I have all the batman movies but would love the DVD's instead but naaa.. I'll keep the VHS's So anyways I'm on the pre-order status on DareDevil n ordered it not even looking to see that it's a pre-release pre-order status.. it will not be public until July 29th.. OMG I have to wait until then to get it. LMAO@me Oh well It'll be like Xmas in July this way cuz by then I'll have forgotten I ordered it and when it comes it will be like OMG COOL. I want to see that new Xman movie that is out. Well I'll still be getting spiderman n the other xmen for now!!!

What have I been doing. I went to the carwash.. and too lazy to do it myself so went thru the drive through. But my van's so dirty from hubs driving it on gravel roads to work that the windows didn't even get clean it's still pretty dirty but gotta be better then b4. I dropped off 2 rolls of film to get developed n picking up at 2. Made a VHS of home movies to mail to my mom n did some more laundry. Paid bills for the rest of the month. Stopped by the hospital n talked to my grandma n mom n GF in town. Still gotta go to the post office.. grocery store, mill n get ready for work. Better get busy huh. K Bye

Things I'd like to get done

Things I need to do

- Go to the Post Office Mail Sis-in-laws card n pictures N Mom's Mothers Day Package
- Wash/scrub the deck
- Wash n clean out the van cuz hubs been driving it
- Drop off some bills
- Call for Appt for my van next week
- Finish up laundry n change kids bedding
- Go to the grocery store
- Pick up meat at the meat market
- Pop by hospital to visit ill relative

Whoaa.... that's a lot to do in 3 hours. Eat lunch in there n shower n get ready for work too. Too bad no stores open at this hour now...

What I want to do by this weekend end.. Weather permiting of course..
- Till garden
- Plant garden
- Buy new fencing for new dog kennel.
- Filll Sandbox
- Get 2 that 2 yards of dirt i ordered delivered n fill in holes in yard from puppy diggin.. grrrr
- Clean out sheds???

I better quit cuz that list could go on and on... OK I'm going to write some emails.

Wednesday, May 07, 2003

Call from Afar

Went fishing again 2nite.. hubs outfished me this time but once again they were under the lenght limit by one to two inches.. so nothing in our basket to bring home but was so nice outside was great sitting out on the lake watching the sunset and birds n fish jumpin. Relaxing. I caught 3 hubs caught 4 and a 6lb sheephead junky ruff fish. Pelicans so cute just watching to see what hubs was going to do with it... they swam in close like waiting to be feed. :)

So My bro's wife called twice 2day. She's in Kuwait yet waiting for their equipment to get there by ship... been trying to call and get a hold of my bro forever. Called 1st time just rattled off number then called back 2 hours later n we talked a bit. Sounds great said she's really homesick and civilians even there arn't that nice to them. We only talked about 5 minutes but she still sounded so positive n happy. So glad to hear from her I have a card and letter ready to mail out to her tomorrow and a video I made today of the kids to my mom for mothers day with a bookmarker and book on the joys of motherhood seen thru the eyes for a daughter now a mother too. Neat I thought. Just little verses and stuff to read whenever. I like those kinda books little breathers.

Took the kids to the park 2 times today. So nice out.. and was packed and J bought a boomarang last week and was showing that off to me. Z just wanted to swing and swing and C going crazy running up and going down the slides. Keeps ya busy trying to watch over the 3 of them all wanting to do different things. But still parks so close and seen 2 other girlfriends and there kids there.. it's like mommy's lil get togethers everynight at the park. This afternoon when we went no one was there but tonight it was packed with kids. Lotsa fun. I'm showered n shaved n got a new sexy lace lil black thing on which I was wearing under my robe after my shower.. and I go into the bedroom and hubs is like you don't have plans for bedtime do you. I say Why are you really really tired.. and he's like yeah.. I'm like Nooo OK... and didn't show him my new bedroom atire didn't want to make him feel bad. I'm just sitting here in my robe now n will slip outta it n into my jama's I guess.. later.

I have lots I want to do on the puter but just don't wanna. Reinstalled my rollercoaster tycon and having too much fun playing that again. I want Zoo Tycoon... That's a good bday wish that rest of family could play too. I looked thru the adds 2nite for patio furniture I want.. but Jeezz like $500 I don't want to spend.. cuz I want that camera.. but furinture would be great for the whole family cuz we could like eat out on the deck.. read.. color play cards.. whatever specially since the girls will be up here in 2 more weeks for the summer... Grrrr I dont' know. That'll suck up whatever's left after spending 1080 on the truck this past 2 weeks. Grrr oh well I don't know.. could get cheep stuff for now.. and upgrade later.. I don't know. Or just get a plain ole wooden picinic table too for $150 that seats 6.. just family of 7 in the summer when the girls are here too.. I don't know.. maybe I'll just go get the lounge chaise chair I want for $40... for sure.. so I can lay back n read a good book while outside watching the kids. Gotta get their sandbox filled too.. called can get the tiller on Friday.. but now it's sopose to rain tomorrow and Friday.. will be too wet to till.. grrrr hope it doesn't rain. I got the yard and garden all ready to go 2nite. Wanted to scrub the deck too but think I'll do that tomorrow when the kids are gone. Since it get messy wet n soapy.. and they'd have too much fun I think helping me do that... hehehe. OK bye for now

"Good" Mornings

Nice day - Sunny I am going to get outside this afternoon n repot some indoor plants I have. Grass is green and long almost enought to mow. My Garden is next. I have to get busy n rent a tiller.. I usually plant every mothers day. My Mothers day gifts is taking the kids to the green house n pickin out my flowers n plants n going home n planting. I havn't even mapped out my garden for the year. Not sure what I'm adding or taking out from last years menu.

So got to bed n woke up hubs this morning for some sex at 430am.. OMG it was awesome. I was so needing it n him being so tired at night after working all day n night on his truck.. been biting my lips to let him just go to sleep at night.. but we decided mornings are awesome. at least this time was... well it usually always is.. but asks I wake him up every morning that way and I think OMG staying up till 430 every night OMG no way I'm pooped now 2day.. well got my 2nd wind or something for now but he's like NOO silly girl you don't have to stay up that late just get up at that time for the day. And I'm thinking Hummm what if I could reverse my brain into going to bed at some normal time to him... n get up with him.. n having a few hours to myself in the early am b4 anyone even thinks about getting up at my house. Then I thought once he left for work I could just robe it and snooze on the couch till the kids get up at 9. I don't think I can get up that early I mean I work nights.. no way. Oh well nice to think I can do it here n there... but then I'd just rather stay up like i did last night n wake up him that way. Mmmm anyways.. off that subject n onto another....

Now I can't think of anything else but that.. OK still have 2nite off. Hubs wanted to go to a movie or something 2nite but nothing here I wanna see.. I want to cruise on over wtrntn n shop n look at patio furniture. I don't know he'll probably get to working on his truck n i'll be stuck or he will be doing that. Maybe I'l hire a babysitter n go myself. OK so my son would watch the kids.. but he'll wanna go maybe with me. That'd be fun. Kids need new sandals too. OK I'm off to make some lunch. Eggs toast n sasauges.. sound nummy. I'm craving links extra spicy.

Dreams again

OK good movie.. I like the Hannibal Lecter movies.. getcha thinking n kinda gross. Gives ya the creepies. Kinda a creepy day... starting with that stupid dream. Still leaving a chill down my spine from 3pm this afternoon. I love dreams and the ones that are so good and ya wake up n your so happy n don't want to wake up cuz it was so good.. then there's those dreams that piss ya off n you wake up mad like it was real.. I've even had mad dreams a time or two about hubs n me n I wake up kinda mad at him.. and holds on throughout the day. Silly. Sad dreams are the worst or scarey dreams. This one I figure now is just plain stupid.

I actually had 3 emails with people that annalized my dream for me Thanks you guys! Fun to see what other people make outta my crazy dreams. Some hit it right on highlighting many points I didn't see.. some parts were way off.. but fun to think maybe? I have my own interrpetation of the entire thing but as long of a dream it was it would be 10 times longer for me to personally explain why I think what and why that is and my reasons. I'll tackle it tomorrow maybe. So for anyone else sending their interrpetations let me have em. As there are still many things I find confusing and wonder WTF??

Dreaming for the most part is great... sometimes alarms me as to how I can pull people and things outta my past and feelings n hurt from the past into my present. Not that I ever try to or want it to.. just maybe something that triggers it huh? It's like those walls people build around themselves that dreams tend to tare away or build back up? I assume from this dream it's rebuilding a block. Maybe it's my form of protecting myself to not being hurt again.

Tuesday, May 06, 2003


OK going to freak myself out and watch Hannibal Lecter in the movie RedDragon... Havn't watched a movie for awhile. My son watched Harry Potter 2 chamber of secerts 2nite.. i only got to catch part n pieces really want to watch that ... love the 1st one and read the 1 n 2nd books.. As long as this isn't like watching the Ring.. OMG that one really freaked me out all alone.. Took my 1st dose of that anti-depressant just an hour ago. Trying so hard to not smoke but sitting around at night it's so easy to want one. My mom called earlier 2nite... She was down about dad not wanting to go to church with her and all these different things that he always did back home but now down there he won't. I feel bad for her cuz she gets so upset and worked up over what seems to me sometimes such small things.. but I'm sure the over-all picture is what hurts her.. and me. But towards the end of the converation she sounded lots better I think she's looking forward to the band coming down in couple weeks and my son J and possibly my bro moving down soon too. Boo I'll miss them I'll just cry when My lil bro moves..

OK I'm thinking I'm going for now and hopefully will get to start the movie. Need me message me.. I can hear ya..

Another Stupid Dream?

Just woke up from a nap and had the weridest dream of all.

1st off it's me at work but it's not in teh same building I currently work in. All emplyoees are there but there is also 20-30 new ones too. It's located in a small downtowning kinda place... where place I work has daycare I wasn't married or anything but had one son.. my baby now.. and I hadda take him to daycare and I was sad never left him with someone I didn't know b4. Everyone at work was wearing marroon chours like uniforms.. ya know those kinda graduation gowns.. and everyone had funky curly curly poodle do curls and the kitchen was huge packed with 100 people.. cutting food up n cooking n I hadda go thru the back to get my gown.. and did n was sad leaving my son the tears were rollin down but I wiped them fast and kept going.. got out to my station and there's like 15 people behind the bar all yacking about some big "waitress" meeting. And this other waitresses tells me I won't get to go to the meeting cuz I'm not a waitress and I feel left out.. but OK people everywhere I couldn't think straight or do anything and still sad.. and ran out for a break or something but like accross the street to where the daycare had my son n it's 2 guys that ran this daycare one really nice one scarey started telling me off like don' t you think we can watch your kid.. the only kid we have today.. we'll have fun you need to start letting us do our jobs and go do yours. OMG mad me feel worse and I said I just needed to see my baby n hold him n say goodbye... said Nooo and guy took off in like a shopping cart with my son in it down the street.. yelling let me do my job...

Now I'm back at work and again I'm not working cuz there is 20 people behind the bar now and all chewing gum with wild curly spiked up funky hair and all smoking and chattin and wereing rollerblades bitching about all the customers not working at all.. pissed me off... So I sneak off into this more private room where G's are -- customers that currently come a lot:) Anyways he's on a chair jumping up pushing the ceiling tiles cuz they were starting to fall and he almost falls and I have a heart attack. well almost but he was OK and the J another waitress grabs me then and says I need to talk to you about our meeting.. and I leave this guy but he says he'll be OK and climbs back up on the chair to snoop round above the ceiling telling me it's a wild design up here.. I leave.. following the other waitress thru like a church of small rooms n small hallways.. all part of work yet.. and a private room way on the top of the building like 3 stories up that is the largest formal room with a neat bar.. but it's all dusty and dirty cuz not used.. but high ceilings and pretty and she says Your getting fired 2day cuz you slept with this guy.. in my dream I think his name was andre or something I don't remember nor know who it was.. but my bosses found out and are mad cuz I lied to them and said I didn't.. but in all reality it was this waitress that did and I said it's wasn't me it was you... and she said you'll take the wrap for me please I really need the job.. you can work anywhere.. and she took off down some secert passage and left me there thinking they are firing me n for something I didn't do and felt horriable all over again..???

I didn't do that so back to the bar I go but this time 2 people are making drinks for me..2 werid looking guys with red hair and freckles n long hair that really needed cutting. and at that point I didn't care who took over my job cuz I was still crying from losing my son and the daycare man chewing my butt telling me I have to learn to let go here n there n let someone else watch my kids.. and I head back to kitchen looking to talk to my friend and thru the 100 kitchen workers I catch a glimpse but he's too busy to notice I was there so I leave.. just wandering n so sad.. I'm the only one without my marroon gown on.. I have a black hooded sweatshirt on.. everyone's out in this large bar area now like where I work but 10 times bigger and all the workers still there smacking their gum and laughing.. and I know they all know I'm getting canned and feeling crappy already the tears just start flowing like a water faucet with that steady drip. I whip them and start to weight on a table. Who cares I thought if I'm outta uniform of everyone thinks I'm fuckin some Andre this guy I didn't even know.. I'm still going to do my job.

So this lady sitting at the bar orders all kinds a mexican food.. none of which is on our menu.. I don't know what to say anymore..n all waitresses jumping into my job and telling me this and that and to do this or that and jumping in the middle of my conversations with customers.. like I'm saying the special and one comes in smaking gum saying Yeah so hillbilly like ya gotta have that aint' it just the best there Flow.. or whatever.. and all employees around still chatting n talking n laughing and chewing gum and now the jukebox starts up and eveyrone's dancing.. everyone in the entire building.. but everyone is gross.. and this andre guy outta no where shows up I can't even tell ya who he looks like cuz I don't know?? Just guy/name in my dream but he's like dancing with me.. I don't dance I just stand there in my black hooded sweatshirt everyone else in marroon gowns. I'm really wishing to sink down into the ground not fitting in at all.. and everyone's dancing and i look over and my boss who's only other person in white uniform n he is dancing with some icky new waitresses total ick with no teeth and 300 lbs and while everyone's having fun I'm standing there.. blank staring.. fingers like windsheild wipers but no one else seemed to notice n if they did didn't care.. I don't move a just stand in the middle of it seems everyone crying.. so for a split second I catch a glimpse of my friend looking my way his eyes smiled with a sparkle and mouths over the music "are you ok" n 1st n only person to notice and I nod yes... just getting that lil look made almost everything better.. until I get sandwiched by this andre guy n the other daycare dude... says it's his break coming over 2 tell me my son's fine but he's creepy big farmer like type.. whereing suspenders n all but cute under all the fuzz n ickies.. but yuck yet.. n he and this andre guy I finally figure someone's out to get me.. 1st setting me up in the stroy for the reason I was getting fired.. and hurt me to think someone's out to get me n I try to get away and being sandwiched with 100 people dancing behind the bar.. i couldn't move.. tried to go down n sneak out n couldn't finally My friends hand sticks out and I reach to grab but can't reach and he's like Hold On I'm coming... and he's still happy dancing over but I'm freaked n I can't get outta the sandwich these 2 big guys had me in..

n b4 I know it' it's like the walk-in-cooler is actually in my dream an small den.. office with desk n a couch.. and this andre the giant like guy is going to have sex with me and I'm so scared n my friend makes it in the room too but can't do nothing about it cuz some of these giant fat dancing girls had passed out on top of him and he's like looking over with his hand out but can't do anything and I'm like pushed onto the couch n he sticks his big thing in my mouth I couldn't even move n it's like his face was down on me bitting me.. and legs backwards or something weird positioned where I couldn't move like he was deformed like some evil creature or monster or something and during this I remember thinking OMG he's a freak too.. and scared me more.. n then my friend says it's OK just pretend it's me... just get it over with as fast as you can do all you can and then he'll leave ya alone. But no I didn't want to I had never slept with him b4 and reason I was getting fired and that pissed me off n was like trying to make it come true so I would get fired .. and then my only friend in the dream says it'll be OK so I kick ass around n he's normal again this big guy on me and I close my eyes and do him.. n feel disgusted n I'm fired now cuz came true n dirty n shaken n he leaves.. everyone's gone.. i'm alone on the couch n the entire building is quiet... i walk out and it's total blackness out but for the stars..n I'm back at works real parking lot walking up the hill.. i have no car I just walk alone... I awoke.

One of the most chaotic most vivid painful dreams I've ever had for a long time. Woke up with the most longing ever for someone to just touch me n say IT was a dream and a dumb ass one at that. I'm not laughin now cuz like I said it's still there.. but sure later I'll reread it and wonder Humm and thing OMG amy your dumb. Humm wonder where this dream came from or what it means??? like to think it means nothing and just my wild imagination. I wonder who that andre guy was or represents scared to think of n why or demons from the dark re-surfacing due to recent situations.. hummm i don't know maybe I'll figure it out later. Then again maybe I don't want to either.

Dr Appt.

Just got back from my Dr appt. OK I don't get it... why schedule an appt for 11... and not get me in until 1210.. dr finally comes in and is there say 10 min.. ok I walk out at 1221... I hate waiting... helicopter just flew over.. must be air-lifting someone outta here. Just got news b4 my appt my great great aunt is in hospital not looking good.. not sure what was wrong. Grams just said doesn't look like she'll be here much longer.

So my Dr gives me 30 days worth of free zyban and a prescription saying if I take that along with patches on my quit date in 2 weeks.. which I've already set with coucilers as May 26th I have a 60% chance of quiting for good. patches alone only 5 people outta 100 quit.. 15 on zyban alone... but together 60% so that's good odds and I'm more than ready. He made statment that yeah i will gain weight most likely but overall I'll be much happier with increased energy and can work it back off over time. And his nurse which I know just quit 6 months ago.. said she still has cravings.. and nicotine is a stimulant that helps with lots of things but does more damage then better of course.. 3000 things linked to harmful things it can do.. while the positive is an increased metabolism.. and help with memory. OK I think it's good to forget somethings... so whatever I'm lost on my thought of topic. So now it's just taking that anti-depressant.. I ask Am I Depressed?? Says anxiety is a sign of depression so guess I am a bit huh. Well whatever main side effect is dizzyness most likey I'll feel dizzy. Humm I can handle that. So no biggy I'll do fine and quit no prob :) K

Exotic Cocktails

Here's the Camera I want. I'm just browsing round picking out my own damn bday gift that I probably won't get anyways but still.. it's fun to look. OK now I'm at the Blue Book Guide for Buying used painos and it's kinda neat... still can't find an online store that sells pianos.. still looking.. dang I can buy piano covers.. music, benches, stands LOL hummmm the Piano Shop is a cool store. Ohhh just found a store but it's in the UK... nope LMAO too much for shipping.. neat website on Piano restoration I'd love to have kept my familys old piano that was 160 years old and fix it up but my entire family was like it's old throw it away:( Old upright my great great grandma had when she was little... :( OK done shoppin for now..

I'm so tempted to just order my camera and say to hell with it all.. hehehe.. OK hubs engine is shit... something with the exhaust manifold or something I don't understand n about how engine doesn't reach it n after he explains all this shit says but he has 30 day money back on the new engine he got. I said why don't you just hire someone to rebuild your old engine.. make that new.. says costs 1200 OMG that's a lot less then he's spent already. Grrrr whatever let him do what he wants... he was upset about it all night.. has to drag it out to a guys shop now tomorrow night after work and hire them to look it over something about new gaskets?? I don't know just thought that was something a new engine should have done correctly n so did he??? Am i just dumb? I don't know think hubs getting as frustrated as me. I didn't act upset cuz I knew he was... I feel bad for him... in a way.. just frustrating a bit at the same time cuz if he'd just pay someone or gotten a real truck not one that hadn't ran in 3 years specially from who he bought it from after gettin in a accident with it.. Oh well I know.. it's his thing... I'll quit.

OK now I'm looking at Exotic Cocktails a feature on MSN has 5 top bar drinks.. and lots of others I'd love to make.. just never all the ingredients.. humm could substitute n try Mmmm OK I'm off to read up on that for a bit.

Humm that website was misinforming titled as 5 new drinks.. and all it was was adds for resturants.. booo so I'm reading up articles now on how to quit smoking. I've read 100 articles about peoples struggles.. that isn't really positive.. and makes me feel like with all they've tried n done there's no way I'm going to be able too. I need to search out for those people that have quit and love it :) Not 15 years later I still crave one stories.. or the gaining 100 lbs. Ohh someone's online gotta go.

Monday, May 05, 2003

It's been a night from hell.

Personal Time

Busy night for me at work... not crazy or anything just kept busy for the most part.. some down time. Learned a new card trick that mathmatically is really neat. I'm so glad it's sunday I love my job and all just been a long ass weekend. Think I'll pick up some extra hours for the summer.. it's only 3 months and I really really really want to bust ass and save up some serious money and pay off some things and would be nice come winter when it slows down plus I REALLY really want a digital camera. Maybe I could fill in for waitresses on nights they need off too if it was a night I had off. Just I only work "maybe" 30 hours a week sometimes don't feel like I"m pulling my weight and nothing to do otherwise seems like I'm just sitting here and for 3 months wth it's fun work too.

The new bartender starting this summer works at another bar and another full time day job.. maybe that's what I need. I love my days home with the kids.. but maybe on my 3 nights off I could pick up other bartending jobs I've been asked to work or find something. Be nice to work just 3 months full time plus time to just save up enough to get everything I want since hubs seems to blow everything i save up. I Want a Paino.. and a camera. Nothing else.. just a piano really really bad I don't even care if it's old as long as all the keys work and I can get it tuned... I want to sing and play n make up some neat songs again.. I'd love to teach lessons.. I'd want my own room though so at night instead of pounding on my keyboard I could tinkle away on the keys of a piano instead. How pretty and relaxing it is.

It's like my writing in the journal without that or my sense of music I'm kinda lost. I remember back when I'd lock myself in the piano room sometimes for hours at a time.. 8 hours one day playing and playing until my fingers were numb cuz just hadda play. My mom would say she could always tell my mood from what music I chose to play or my style. If I was pissed I'd play the fastest hardest songs.. or sad slower songs when I was down. And light fun playing on those just wanna play moods. Never felt that way much with my sax.. My son got an A for his first grade on his sax.. doing well.. and he likes it a lot. It's cool :) Wish I could teach him paino that is if he wanted to learn.

But say I work another 10 hours a week at 12 weeks in the summer.. that's like only an extra 1000 bucks huh?? Not enough. And ya know hubs will come up with some way to spend it.. It's not like we don't have money or get things we need/want it's just I'm not one to spend on something for myself as easily. I have to budget and save and gets so fustrating when he can come to me saying like this last week over 1K just to fix his truck which 2nite when I got home from work says needs this other part now that he's guessing costs $150 or so. Grrrr just always something more with his hobbies it seems. And he ordered new boots for $100 for work on friday and bought a new tackle box for $30 and new line for $15 n some lures for another $20 and ordered some tool thing tork wrench or something from a friend for $80.. . OK doesn't sound like much but what he doesn't get is it adds up and sucks outta my budget and plans n equals more than all my working did for 2 weeks.. sucks up my whole two weeks worth of work.. Doesn't leave me much to work with. He doens't balance the checkbook or pay the bills. and when he comes and asks for something or just writes a check out he doesn't know what's next to be paid or due or whatever. I'm a big save freak.

For almost 3 years I didn't work and we got along just fine.. as we do now so you'd think all the money I make now should be extra but it's just more money made equals more money spent for him at least. And when I sit and explain things to him he doesn't get it.. doesn't see the entire picture I try to explain.. how I 'd like to buy a new house someday n blah blah.. or he wants a boat and I want him to have everything he wants I's just cutting into my plans for the future and that controll thing I lose is something i dont' like. And if I say no... he'll kinda whine.. I show him our budget for the year.. or whatever month.. plans... and he's like cool well have that much and yeah.. we would if he didn't need that new gun or decoys or other stuff. His hobbies are expensive.

Doesn't seem like much but over time and things it really adds up. I just wanna kill myself working 100 hours a week so for once I can say.. here get whatever ya want and shut up and let me finally buy a piano. Heheheh I'm being stupid talking again. I'm debating the entire summer vacation to my parents just cuz I don't want to be 2K down in savings for a trip. I mean 2 weeks off work no pay n the cost of going there for 7 people and all that I estimate at 2K.. that'd set me way back now with the truck shit. Maybe when I say that all he feels guilty and why he picked up that 2nd job.. I'm not mad about his 2nd job or his truck.... just bummed i won't get to see my parents specially since my mom so wants me to come I feel awful. But I don't want to be set back 6 months after we return either. Life was so much easier when I was single. Single mom with not a lot of money but still had everything a person could want/need n happy. I'm happy now too yeah.. just seems like sometimes he's working against me and not with me as a unit thingy. I don't know what it is. Anyone know?

I could try to work at this hardware store thingy that nights.. sunday thru wed nights 6pm till 4am. But skip the sun night so that wouldn't work. Be sucky ass work but I'd do it. I'd only get to sleep an hour later than usual.. I've very discontent at home right now obviously. I need to get some hobby outside. Hopefully the kids n summer n the garden will help.. I am not myself at all. I'm usually the biggest home-body.. just feel like I gotta do something though. Yeah I don't want to work to get outta here nor really care about money either I should just hop in my van and cruise over to somewhere n shop. Not even a gas station open here. Yeap I'm discontent and its not me. I havn't crocheted in months now.. since I made these burial dresses for premies.. and that's the oddest thing I've even given up my wed night movie night rental thing i used to do for myself. Havn't watched one tape of ER hubs records faithfully for me everyweek either. I just want to space out but I don't want to be alone anymore. Not everynight.. every second. OK I love "my time" just too much alone time I think or somethings isn't quite right. OK I'm talking way too much about nothing that really matters anyways.

It's rainy damp n chilly 48 degrees. I could just go for a walk to clear my mind but don't even want to do that alone. I am in dire need of some personal company. that's it.

Sunday, May 04, 2003

It really rained early this morning now it's cloudy and windy n cool. One of those mornings ya just wanna lay round n cuddle up with a book or movie days. Last night of work for the week then it's 3 days off. Hubs working on his truck yet.. wish he was cuddlin with me instead. It doesn't seem like I've seen him all week.

Beautiful Outside!

Get home hubs in the garage droppin his new motor in and I'm thinking we can do it in the garage.. but didn't think my son would be up yet helping at 230 am Hehehe Oh well. Darnit anyways. So they're packing it up now and heading in I was out playing with the puppy for awhile and sat on the deck so beautiful outside I don't even want to be in the house and sitting here by the patio door with the nice breeze it's going to be awesome sleeping 2nite with the windows open boys are in the house now J went to bed and hubs is showering.

I think I'll go crawl in b4 he does and just suck in the fresh air. I so hope I can quit smoking. Gotta get serious on my life n the things I really want from it. Bday creeping up kinda making me nervous. work was busy 2nite. I'm tired too from the no-sleeper last night. Boy I'm naughty for all that. K still 4 things to do one I know I won't get done.. but going to try hard on those last 3 16 days left till my bday. the leaves on my apple tree are all open it'll be blooming b4 the end of next week I bet.. so pretty. Thougtht we were in for a thunderstorm.. if so at night I have to find someone to go for a drive with me just sitting out in a open field watching the clouds roll in sounds so romantic pretty and mmmm.. just love spring! I wanna lie out on a blanket under the stars and just lay.. n talk.. n lay some more. K I'm going I think. I'm not so tired now that I'm home.